To rejoin the world of online dating

[Datesagain]

Been single for years. Spent about 2 years on OLD. Had a handful of dates and one relationship. He turned out to be very needy and had narcissistic tendencies so didn't last long. I decided OLD was a complete waste of time vowing to find people in real life through activities etc. Problem is I haven't met any potential dates in real life . Most people my age are in relationships/married and the very few single men I have met I am just not attracted to.

So, should I rejoin OLD in the hope of meeting someone new? If it were not for lockdown I'd be making more of an effort at meeting people through work events/social groups etc. Lockdown has made me realise there are zero potential dates on my radar.

The thing that put me off with OLD is difficulty with being attracted to someone from a photo, either desperately long conversations before meeting or the opposite (no conversations, one word answers), spending many hours online with very little result and the fact that many time wasters seem to be on those sites. I am looking for a relationship and sometimes it seemed impossible to actually match with someone looking for the same thing. Has OLD improved at all? Any particular apps good? I was only on Tinder before but have heard Bumble is better? Would like to hear from anyone who is currently on OLD please.

boredboredboredboredbored

That's lovely. Congratulations

OLD can work but there are I think three main variables at play - age, location, dumb luck. The last one is by far the most telling! I

@boredboredboredboredbored oh wow, that's lovely. Can I ask how old you were/are?

@TigerDater yes. Do you think it's better for a particular age group?

Regarding the men who only want sex and can't be bothered - how sad. Surely they could get something from chatting with someone with a plan to meet after lockdown? Can most not even be bothered to do this? Or are these men only after something casual anyway?

I've always said it was luck. I did OLD on and off for years and it was a complete disaster (I probably also had 100 dates, most completely awful people, of those I think there were 3 or 4 only I saw for a second date, 2 of which became very casual dating over a couple of months before fizzling out) until I met my Ex who I was with 6 years until our recent break up.

I'm still in love with him so certainly not in a position to date yet but when I am I am really not keen to go back to OLD because if 6-10 years ago it was shit, I suspect it will be even worse now especially as I'm older.

Meeting my ex was total luck; I messaged him because his profile was nice, and funny. His photos made him look pretty average and not my type so I thought tbh we'd end up mates. As it was the photos were terrible and he was much better looking in RL. I could easily have overlooked him, or not seen his profile (he was slightly outside my usual search area).

So I completely agree luck and location play a big part.

I know someone else who met her partner on OLD; he messaged her first with a hi how are you? Usually she only replied to men who sent a longer message but she was bored so responded, he replied in loads more detail and it went from there. he was v jaded with OLD as he never got a reply from any women so had adopted a scattergun approach of sending a one liner to 100 women rather than tailored messages to 10-15.

It's hard because you have to filter it, and I used to hate impersonal messages but I think overlooking the first one is reasonable (if they then improve over subsequent messaging of course).

@Datesagain No, most men (at least in my experience) can’t even be bothered to chat for more than a few days, apart from the odd one who’s obviously climbing the walls and wants to chat every minute of every day. I’d hoped to use this time to get to know one or two men properly, but that really hasn’t happened.

Thanks! Op I was 40 when we met, he's 10 years older than me but that's worked out well as his dc are all adults (mine are teens) so no having to look after kids. He is honestly the best man I've ever met, we have such a lovely life and I think god for that day I joined POF!

Jojobar

My situation is similar to yours. I met someone on OLD 4 years ago we were together for 3 years and were also extremely happy sadly he met someone in real life and cheated on me with her (that's another story). It took me 5 years to find him with OLD. I was 50 at the time I started OLD. I am now 60 my ex is 57. You would think at this time of life that people would want to be more settled. Or maybe that's why they feel the need to contact as many people as they can to find that final last date. Personally I am feeling very disheartened if it takes me another 10 years to find someone I will be 70.

I have given up on OLD certainly for a while. I found that the people I liked ignored me and the people I didn't like contacted me. I went on a few dates but each was weird and revolting in his own special way.

Nice to hear about relationships that formed. Although, It does seem a hell of a lot of effort to meet someone nice/compatible etc on OLD doesn't it?! I got so jaded with it before for this reason. It shouldn't be that difficult surely. Do any of you meet potential partners irl?

Op, I've done online dating on and off for the last 15 years, met two long term partners for 5 years each on Match. I think OL dating has changed in the sense everyone has gotten a bit jaded with it all. I was ghosted twice in the last month after chatting constantly for a few weeks both on phone and text. It definitely shook my confidence in my own intuition and I felt a little bit broken inside and put off the process. I think you just have to really try and take it with a pinch of salt, just another way of meeting people alongside real life.

@Eesha how crap you were ghosted! It's such a horrible thing to do, especially as you had been chatting for a while. But I guess these men showed their true colours and better to find out early on rather than meeting them etc or worse sleeping with them. True, take it all with a pinch of salt. Sigh... not sure about rejoining now.

@Datesagain why not join the dating thread where everyone is in a similar boat. Yes it hurt because I allowed myself to get really excited by one of them. On paper he was lovely, really attentive, eager to meet, we talked for several hours on the phone at a time. He was definitely who he said he was as id seen him on a videocall and knew his job etc. Then gone! It made me think how could I have been so stupid as to like someone a lot or get it oh so wrong. I think the only way is to keep your wits about you and try and meet them early on (difficult I know) but you can't really stop people behaving badly.

It cuts both ways!
I am a guy who has recently started OLD for the first time in years.
Early 50s, well educated, well read, reasonably fit and healthy and ok looking, not a hunk, but ok.

Set up a profile on POF and I have messaged loads of women.
I started off sending a carefully worded email referencing their profile, their activities they profess to like, not smutty or suggestive at all.
This had zero success and only 3 replies out of about 50 emails.
I messaged women within about 15 miles of me. Found Pof was really hard to filter and without paying it wasn't easy to find who had an active profile.

I have abandoned POF after two weeks and thought I would try Bumble.
Here I liked every profile and have had 3 matches that bothered to message. Two with "Hi" and nothing more, despite a nice message back, and one where we swapped a couple of messages but her last being on Thursday morning, ignoring my reply until Monday morning when I received "Hw was yr w/e"

So the threads seem to suggest that it is the guys with no social graces and who don't message. I think that the balance is much more even!
But I share your frustration and disillusionment!

Abbcccus

What age range?

I find men in their 50s want women in their 30s who don't want men in their 50s.

How bizarre, I read your post @Datesagain and thought I'd written it whilst I was asleep or something!

In the self same identical (even down to the narcissistic short term relationship) situation, dipped my toe once again back into the quagmire that is OLD last weekend. It's pretty much the same old same old but I live in hope that at some point the numbers game and pure luck will look at me favourably. I opted for Match this time around as last time I found it slightly prefarable to Tinder and the other free sites - here's hoping!

Sadly at my age (mid 50s) the pool of men is decreasing rapidly and I do laugh at the 25 year olds that 'like' me! And yes, I admit on occasion I'm tempted but will resist!

Good luck OP, you're not alone in this, and 'may the odds be ever your favour'! X

the age range I put was 45-59
I am sure that there would be no interest from women in their 30's on a dating profile.

@Abbcccus oh yes it works both ways. I have a male friend who he is on them and having no luck. It does seem near to impossible or hugely time consuming to actually meet anyone OLD. I know I did in the past but that was after being on them for couple of years. Sorry, feeling a bit negative today about ever having a relationship again. Sigh sigh sob

@HalfDutchGirl are you me? It's tough isn't it. So many of us in the same boat. How is Match so far? Many people on there?

I tried Match once & went on a date with a man who told me on the date that he was looking for a FWB...
Why pay a subscription to a dating site like Match then?

I've dated a man off Tinder for a while, sadly I found him too class obsessed & there were other issues.

In RL I joined a local singles group & dated 2 men, one turned into a bit of a stalker & the other was just a friend.
Then a patient at work insisted on setting me up with her son so I dated him but no real chemistry.
I also dated a doctor from work who neglected to tell me about his wife & kids....

Anyway I was bored the other night so went on Tinder again, made the age range 34-49 (I'm 43) & the distance 30 miles as I can't drive due to medical reasons...
Got some matches & messages but felt too shy to reply!!
That's always the problem.
I wonder if I'm even in the right headspace for a relationship really.

@Datesagain hahaha! Twins separated at birth!

Match is ok, usual guys holding dead fish and with no clue on flattering camera angles I reckon a vast percentage take at least 10 years off their age!

Chatting to a few, there do seem to be quite a lot on there, I made my radius quite large but where I live that also includes an island which I refuse to travel to, always makes me laugh that it says someone is less than 10 miles away but there’s a big stretch of water in between!

May be worth giving it a try, the usual ones are on there that want your number immediately and at least at the moment there’s no pressure to meet immediately I guess! I got three months at half price or something.

Completely agree to the time consuming thing. Finding a husband isn't easy on there

I don't think I'll go back on - my experience as a 47 year old has been a bit soul-destroying. A few ghosting incidents - and then you look back at your last message and wonder was there something in there that put them off - I've had to stop doing that. I put an age range of 45-55 and get nothing but 60+. I'm fairly active - I spend a lot of time outdoors; hiking, cycling, climbing, and want to do some of that stuff with a partner, but all I seem to get are non-active pensioners chancing their arm :-(

It can knock your confidence can't it @chockaholic72 From what everyone has said it's not exactly making me want to go back to the apps. Unless lockdown is going to last forever. Gosh, I do miss socialising and meeting people irl. Wonder when those days will be back.

@chocoholic your post reminded me of why I've packed in OLD too.

After working hard on my self esteem (single for 10 years), I got fit (by running), lost weight, then donned the armour and hard hat for OLD. I joined Ourtime (for over 50s) 3 years ago, only to find that it was a branch of Match!

However, I got quite hopeful about it when I saw that lots of men wanted to meet me. Those hopes plummeted when I saw that yes, most of them were fit but no word of a lie, were wizened, lycra-clad and over 70 (despite my upper age limit set to 58)......waxing lyrical about doing ultra runs all over the world with them. And they got quite rude when I kindly rebuffed them for being outside my age range. Er, thanks but no thanks!

And of course, the ones my age were not remotely interested in me, citing my age being too old (even though I was within their preferred age range), distance was too far (8 miles in 1 case despite being in his preferred area) then the 'I've met someone already, my profile shouldn't be still showing' in a couple of others.

It seems that whatever age we are, men want women to be at least 10-20 yrs younger though @Abbcccus you seem to be the exception to the rule

I shall be taking my chances IRL once Lockdown has eased.
I do believe OLD has made 21stC dating into a FWB/commitment-phobe/cheats charter and I am worth above and beyond that.