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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone else like this ???

22 replies

sounhappy · 09/10/2004 21:06

I am a regular but changed my name.

I have been with dp for 7 yrs and i donot love him now and haven't for about the past 4 years.
We do have kids and i feel that i should stay and make the effort for them but at the same time it makes me feel so unhappy to think that i will never be in love or get married, find my soul mate e.t.c

My cousin recently got married and she was just soooo happy and it made me really sad to think that i will never experiance that.

I feel like such a fraud as people thinki i am happy but i.m not.

OP posts:

jampot · 09/10/2004 21:08

Yes I think I'm a bit like that apart from the fact that I am married and no-one thinks I'm happy. Ideally I would like my dh to go away for a couple of weeks on holiday so I get to see what its like without him around IYKWIM. However I don;t think I could cope financially so feel slightly stuck

Original poster

sounhappy · 09/10/2004 21:11

Yeah i would say thats my biggest worry to, and that i'd end up alone forever

OP posts:

jampot · 09/10/2004 21:12

he told me the other day he might see if his mate wants to go to NY for a few days thinking I'd be p'ed off with him "Yes good idea" I said. "Why not visit your parents in Spain for a couple of weeks too?"

Original poster

sounhappy · 09/10/2004 21:16

But do you think him gone would make you realise you do love him or are you sure you don't ??

I KNOW i don't love dp and wish he would leave me but he'll never do that.

It's funny but my cousin had such a lucky escape as she was due to marry another guy a couple of years ago and they brought a house booked the church e.t.c and then she decided she didn't love him and cancelled it all. I am so jealous that she managed to have the strength to do that and find someone she really loved. Mind you she doesn't have kids so i suppose it is easier then.

OP posts:

jampot · 09/10/2004 21:19

I just need some space - he is very controlling and the house is just filled with anxiety when he is in

Original poster

sounhappy · 09/10/2004 21:21

Ooooh snap to that one. I feels o stressed when dp is in the house as he jumps on the kids for the slightest thing and makes me feel like i've got to do my best to steer the kids away from arguments before they happen.

I don't get any space from dp at all as he never ever goes out (apart from work).

OP posts:

jampot · 09/10/2004 21:41

mine too Sounhappy - I wonder if we share the same dh?

jampot · 09/10/2004 21:42

Also dh swears quite a bit which in turn puts me on edge - I just know one day I'm going to do something drastic. Strangely he doesn't swear in front of his mum however bad his mood is. Maybe I'll pay the children to swear tomorrow when she's here

Aimsmum · 09/10/2004 21:42

Message withdrawn

Original poster

sounhappy · 09/10/2004 21:49

Blimey Jampot we must share the same dh/dp as mine swears all the time and we are always arguing about it as he does it in front of the kids.

Aimsmum - I have sort of been doing what you said, making things easier for me if we were to split. Nothing major, but just silly things like updating appliances and stuff like that so that i wouldn't have to worry about them.
I don't work and i know how crap the IS is and know i couldn't cope very well on that.
If i were working i could manage quite well i think but my youngest is only just 2.

OP posts:

jampot · 09/10/2004 21:56

The other day at school I was walking behind a dad with his young pre-school child (pretty hot dad actually - new to the school) and he was pointing things out to the child and talking really nicely - and it made me very sad that my dh isn;t like that

Original poster

sounhappy · 09/10/2004 22:01

Yeah i know what you mean, i wish my kids had a differnt dad sometimes, which sounds terrible but i just feel like he doesn't give a toss about them most of the time, whereas they mean the world to me.

I just want to be happy soooooooo much and i know i can't be, which hurts like hell. Feel like i must have done something pretty horific once to be stuck in this life like i am now.

Sorry waffling now.

OP posts:

Aimsmum · 09/10/2004 22:05

Message withdrawn

Original poster

sounhappy · 09/10/2004 22:08

No you've been very helpful Aimsmum, thanks.

I really do need to sit and think things through properly. I know i don't want to be with him anymore but need to decide exactly what to do about it and when.

I keep making excuses as to why i have to wait.
I would hate to think of myself still stuck in this relationship in 5 years time, well 1 year actually.

OP posts:

Socci · 09/10/2004 22:25

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 09/10/2004 22:43

Sounhappy, I've been where you are. I remember sitting in the bathroom and thinking, OK I don't love him, but he's the father of my child and he's not too bad. I remember wishing he would beat me up or run off with a blonde or be arrested for gun-running, so that I had an excuse to dump him. I also began to have fantasies that he would have a tragic accident being run over on a zebra crossing and I would be left a forlorn widow in elegant black with lillies and freedom. I hadn't yet started to have fantasies in which I would murder him!

I have every sympathy with you and don't advise you to leave him unless you're 100% sure that you can never really be fulfilled with him. I got to a stage where I knew that if I never met anyone again (and three years later, I haven't) it would still be the right decision to split. When you're at that stage, you're ready. If you're not at that stage, you could still save it. I'd always advise someone to try and save it, because life is so bloody tough anyway without making it tougher, but if you know you can't save it, be brave. You've only got one life. Live it, Kid!

blossomhill · 09/10/2004 23:34

Personally if I felt like you sounhappy I think I would seriously think about ending the relationship. I think that it is so much healthier for a child to be raised in an environment that is happy, whether that's 2 or 1 parent(s). My aunt and uncle lived a live for too many years for the sake of my cousin. Little did they know that she should could sense how unhappy they were however good they were at putting on a "front" and playing happy families. Infact they have only split up a few years ago when they both hit there 50's and had to start all over again. My cousin, who is 21 now, wishes they had split a long time ago.
I do hope you can sort things out but I do know one you can not make yourself love anyone, however hard you try. If it's not there, it's not there.
I really hope you manage to sort something out and are able to find some happiness.
Remember one thing "life is too short". It really, really is true and you deserve happiness and enjoyment in your life which is obviously how you are not feeling at the moment - poor you.
Take care BHxxx

blossomhill · 10/10/2004 19:34

Hope you are feeling a bit better today sounhappy

Original poster

sounhappy · 10/10/2004 20:31

Thanks for all the replies, it really does help to know that others have experinaced this too.

I am o.k today, still trying to figure it all out really. We had an argument earlier and i'm always so cloe to telling him how i feel but something always stops me.

I know it would be hard on my own with 3 kids but i am sure i would be happier and so would the kids in the long run.
My parents had a terrible marriage and i always wished they had divorced sooner than they did.

The trouble with dp is that he would rather stay in a crap relationship then have no relationship at all.

OP posts:

blossomhill · 10/10/2004 21:54

Do you have anyone in RL who you can discuss this with? How about your family?
I just really feel for you

Original poster

sounhappy · 10/10/2004 22:01

Well my mom knows that i haven't been happy for some time but has said that until i am ready to do something about it then she can't really help me. She is right i know, i just find it so hard.

I had a good chance at finnishing the relationship about 3 years ago as we moved and i should of asked him not to come with me.
We only had the 2 kids then and i feel like i could of coped quite well and am angry with myself for not having the courage to do it then.

OP posts:

blossomhill · 10/10/2004 22:04

sounhappy - your mum is right in that only YOU can make that decision. I think you have to be 100% sure and very brave. Follow your instinct and remember that life is not a rehearsel (corny but true).
I never, ever do this but - {{{{}}}} hugs to you Blossomhillx

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