My parents are arseholes

[imalovelylamp]

There will never be any pleasing them. Unless I turn into a rude, obnoxious, ignorant fuckwit that agrees wholeheartedly with their ridiculous opinions.

I know it's a horrifying thing to say about your own parents but they're just horrible people and I'm sick of trying to be a different person when I'm around them. Seeking their approval at all times, above my own feelings.
Afterwards I cringe and think why did I do that?

They say awful things about other people. Never have anything nice to say unless they're suddenly their new favourite person because they had a conversation and agreed on something.

I'm sick of it. I can't be arsed with the constant up and down relationship. They make me feel like shit and make it extremely clear that I'm not as important as my golden child sibling or her golden child children who are raised similarly to how they raised us. My parenting is heavily criticised, I don't rule my children through fear like they did, I comfort my 3 year old mid raging tantrum and tell him "it's ok to feel upset/mad" etc. I feel their daggers and eye rolls between them at family gatherings.

I hate seeing them being nice to my dc because all I can think is when will they drop them too. Build them up to think they care somewhat and drop them immediately without any hesitation when they don't agree or "upset" them.

I was going through an extremely difficult time last year, a poorly dc a couple of weeks away from much needed surgery along with a baby that didn't sleep and trying to juggle work with a husband working his arse off doing 12 hour days. I didn't do something for them (perfectly good reason) that they felt I should have. I then received a text message from them meant for my sibling tearing me to pieces, how shit and pathetic I am. Bitching about my husband. I was floored.

It was months before I spoke to them when they kept crying saying it was just a text how could I keep their grandchildren away etc etc. I let them back in and tried to bury it but I just can't move past it.

I look at my dc and think how could they say that about me. If my adult child was going through the most stressful and upsetting time of their life, I would support them and do anything I could to help them. Not send a scathing text about how shit of a person they are to their sibling.

And yet again I find myself speaking to them almost daily to try and make them like me. They're technically right, I am pathetic!

Any wise words for how to navigate this?

And now I feel bad for calling them arseholes. But they're so nice to peoples faces and then tear them to pieces behind closed doors.

Really vile, unkind insults about perfectly normal lovely people.

Apologies for the rant

Don't apologize, rant away but then do something. You clearly really need to drastically reduce all contact with them. There's no reason at all to feel bad about that. They are making your life worse, they are making your husband's life worse, they will make your children's life worse. There is no earthly reason to have daily contact our regular meetings. My parents were lovely but they didn't need to be that close and we only had weekly phone contact and meetings every few months. If they had been s negative it would have been way less.

Withdraw slowly but determinedly, let them run/chase you if they wish.

You know they are toxic underneath the veneer but slow withdrawal is less likely to get the nasty emotional blackmailing emails/messages.

What Pog said - have a good cathartic rant, they do sound truly awful. Then read back what you've said and ask yourself how you are going to change your relationship with them.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I agree that I definitely need to reduce contact and the slow reduction of contact sounds the best way to go. I will start this as of now.

I just feel bad because my dc love my dad so much and he is good with them, but how long will that last? They aren't reasonable normal people. There will be something further down the line they will have a hissy fit over and is it better to keep the relationship more distant with my dc then allow them to get really close to a grandad who will probably drop them the same way he did to me.

Which I do feel is more damaging than restricting the relationship in the first place.

Thankfully my in laws are incredibly nice and normal. Absolutely wonderful grandparents that live 5 minutes down the road. DHs siblings are all equally as lovely so I don't feel like I'm leaving my children without extended family.

I think I'm just very sad that my opinion of them has drastically changed since having my own dc and I thought they were different. Evidently not.

Many adult children of toxic and or otherwise inadequate parents come to that same realisation; that they would never treat their own children like they were treated. You seem sadly to be very much an adult child of a narcissist and the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. As a result, your children and your H get scapegoated as well. I was sadly not at all surprised that he too has come into your parents line of fire.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; your mother is the main instigator, your dad is her willing enabler, you are the scapegoat and your sister is their golden child (itself a role not without price either but she does not know that).

A good rule of thumb here is that if a relative is too toxic for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your children too. Your parents were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they have not fundamentally changed. They also like your children because they see them as an ideal source of narcissistic supply. They have no idea due to their tender age they are being manipulated and used.

Make yourselves far less available to them going forward, lower all current contact levels to a point of zero. Its the only way with such people like you describe. If the other set of parents are nice, which they are thankfully, concentrate your efforts going forward on them rather than your parents. You will never get any sort of apology from them, these people really do not apologise nor even accept any responsibility for their actions. You also do not need their approval, not that they would ever give that to you anyway.

Have a read too of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and consider also posting on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. I would also suggest you read the out of the fog website.

imalovelylamp I’ve just started this journey after reaching crisis point with my mum as I ‘let her down’ for not including her enough in DS lockdown birthday. I FaceTimed her when blowing candles out but was accused of not sending enough videos/photos. When I said I hadn’t taken many as DS had been difficult my parenting was ripped apart followed by horrible personal attacks. Second event like this in last 5 weeks because I have started to stand up for myself instead of crying and apologising to get her to like me again (dad total enabler so he does what she says) so I am beginning seeing a therapist. This has affected me all my life and I’m finally seeing our relationship for what it is. She can be lovely so I feel SOOO guilty but I’ve started to realise it is all a part of the control cycle. There are countless instances, to many to share and I know exactly where you are coming from about the negativity and lack of respect for me as a parent.
I’m open to messaging if you want someone to support you in this, I could do with support from someone who understands too. DH doesn’t get the fear, obligation and guilt and just tells me to go no contact (he tolerates them now after seeing what they have put me though and by default him too).

That was long, but the offer is there. If you want a mutual hand hold in this feel free to message me.