Boundaries in dating and relationships: What are yours? Have they changed? How do you ensure they are respected?

[LilMissRe]

Just wondered whether anyone here could shed light on what examples of boundaries you have put in place for yourself when dating and in when in a relationship- Have they changed over time for you? How do you make sure that they are respected?

I'll put my hand up and admit that I found it very hard when setting boundaries in my marriage which I later realised was a very toxic one . I am still if I'm honest, struggling to understand what constitutes a boundary and really want to learn how to establish boundaries for myself and learn to have them respected. I am a people pleaser and I hate that about myself. I want to use this lockdown period to learn and put this into practice.

I''ll be very grateful if you could share your experiences and advice. If you read any articles, websites, youtube videos, books about this that really helped you, could you direct me to some?

Thanks :)

'Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship' by Adelyn Birch is good.

Also Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim website has lots of information on boundaries and also all sorts of good relationship information in general. As a people-pleaser you will finds lots of useful articles there - there's a search box you can use to search for info on boundaries, for example.

The main thing with boundaries is that you don't lecture and prescribe to people in an attempt to make them abide by your boundary. You maintain a boundary by your own actions. So if someone is acting in a way that is making you uncomfortable, you express that clearly, state the way they can rectify the situation, and if they are unable to behave in a way you are comfortable with, you remove yourself from the situation or the person.

Sometimes you don't even have to express the boundary with the other person at all. For instance, if you have a 'no dick pics' boundary, and a guy sends you a dick pic, you can just block him, no need to explain why because he's a stranger.

Whereas if someone lies to you, you may feel it's better to state, 'I cannot be in a relationship with a liar, so please don't lie to me again.' Then if they do lie again, you end the relationship.

Some things you won't want to give a second chance to - like infidelity or any form of abuse.

It may also help you to think of 'being boundaried' rather than 'setting boundaries'. Being boundaried is about knowing where you end and another person begins, and means you understand what you are responsible for, and what belongs to another person. People-pleasers often neglect their own needs in catering to another person's desires, then find themselves feeling resentful.

Whereas 'setting boundaries' implies that lecturing and persuading of another person in an attempt to make them respect your boundary. In reality, the only person who has to respect your boundaries is you.

I will not have sex with someone unless going down on me is on the menu.

@ChristmasFluff Oh my goodness your advice is amazing- thank you so much!
I'll definitely look into the suggested books and articles and can't wait to make a start on this.

I've never thought to shift my thinking form setting boundaries to being boundaried, this really might help me.

I agree that @ChristmasFluff’s advice is excellent. I’ve also found the Baggage Reclaim site really helpful.

One thing I would add is that “being boundaried” (love it!) is a constant project for me. I’m getting better but I’m not there yet, consistently. On the odd occasion I’ve let my boundaries slip, I’ve regretted it. I’ve learnt that a man who will disrespect me once (e.g. by ghosting me or booty-calling me when I’ve made it clear I’m not up for casual sex) will do so again. My therapist thinks I’m too rigid in my thinking, and it’s true that I currently have no dates on the horizon, but to me, it’s better than tolerating disrespect or men who make me feel “less than”.

I keep giving people the benefit of doubt and I hate doing it. I hate it when for example a guy doesn't respond within a reasonable time after reading the message, but have too often let it slide if on the odd occasion they had a genuine reason; I play that reason in my mind for the subsequent poor texting etiquette.

I also know that I hate it when someone says something that undermines me, jokingly or otherwise. Having been in a toxic marriage where my Ex used a lot verbal abuse and gaslit me, I'm hypersensitive to that. I can also be self deprecating , my sense of humour is quite witty and I grew up in a household of boys, so I find it hard to find the right balance between zero tolerance and not taking everything so seriously.

I'd love it if no one says things that undermine me- I don't know how to go about doing this when dating as I don't want to come across as highly strung either ( I'm not, I just scared of a recurrence of my abusive marriage)

@ChristmasFluff that was brilliant 👍