Handhold, words of encouragement please!

[StrongAgain15]

Hey everyone.
I honestly don't even know what I'm looking for in this post, but I'm struggling to find my strength & the fire I once had in my tummy.
It's been a week now since I finally broke up with my partner of nearly 5 years. No children together but both had 3 between us from previous relationships.
Obviously I won't slate him, he wasn't all bad as I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did surely?
But my god my mental health took a battering. He never ever once complimented me, told me he loved me, anything. Barely even kissed until I made it an ultimatum this year to start and that only lasted just under a month and then stopped. I was made to feel disgusting, unloved, worthless, and invisible for years. We have had these kinds of break ups 4/5 times before, so obviously my IRL friends aren't particularly believing me that I'm done this time. And that makes it feel tough. But I know I need to remain strong and see this through. I have children to protect and I don't ever want them to think that this way of living was ok and acceptable. I'm nearly 30 and have genuinely never felt loved before. I want to be adored. Admired. I'm not a horrible person at all. I'm no angel by all means. But when I love, I give my absolute all. I've been through so much in my life that everyone thinks I'm strong. I survived cancer whilst carrying my daughter at a young age of 18. So why the hell have I lost all that strength now?
I did everything for this man every day that he was here. Everything. I never asked for a penny towards the rent and bills. I never stopped him doing anything, he had all of his freedom, I encouraged him to do anything that he wanted. I loved him even when I knew he would never give me his all. And we've just split and not had an ounce of contact since. But I did something I've never done before, within minutes of him leaving, I blocked on everything possible, and had all of his things packed up by the following afternoon and in the garden for him to collect. No talk, nothing. I'll admit; the only thing making me sad is the lack of fight. BUT, I also know this is what is best to break the circles from before. I have so much more to type and explain if necessary but for now I'm just so glad if you've read this up to how. I'm rambling I realise. I have amazing children, a reasonably new job that for some miracle I just landed in, and have the opportunity to progress into an exciting career which I've never had before, a lovely home and amazing friends. Why am i feeling so upset? I hate him and how he has made me feel about myself. I don't know what I'm asking for here, so I'm sorry if this seems ridiculous. I'm just so fed up.

Hi. Warm hugs for you. You're gonna feel the pain but be comforted that you did the right thing. Hold that thought! Post break up where I wasn't told I was loved and my ex left for his ex after negging me and I still feel like I'm not enough. But days like this, I listen to podcasts and YouTube videos. They help! Cheers x

You have been chewed up and spat out. I’m in a very similar position - he left 2 days ago. It’s like a bereavement and you just have to allow the various emotions to wash over you and let time pass. It’s especially bad going through it in lockdown.

I think you are feeling really down because you’re acknowledging quite how bad your relationship is. I think that will help you to heal. Concentrate on giving your all to your kids and your new job. Grab the opportunities it will give you to progress. X

Thankyou for your replies!
It really is just taking it a day at a time isn't it.
I'm sorry to hear you've been through this too. The first few days I actually felt amazing! But as a little more time is going the sadness creeps, but it's normal right? I suppose it's grief of some sort. I'm just so hurt that he thinks I've ruined his life over the years. He blames me for his depression. He lost a parent last year, some other major issues happened in his life too, and I stood by him through everything. He can't or won't see just the amount of support he's had from me, from the big things to the little things. I wish I'd had more appreciation then things would maybe have been different. I loved him, but on the other hand I'd never ever met anyone so self centred and self absorbed. I know I'm better off without him, I just wish I could fast forward this process and feel strong again! Xx

Your level-headedness is admirable. You, he and we know that you are not to blame for his depression. Your initial feelings of elation confirm that you are in a better place. The sadness is inevitable. You are mourning the loss of a person - no matter what his failings, and adjusting to new routines. It’s exhausting. Let yourself cry. Encourage yourself to cry.

Thankyou so much. I have to be level headed. I have been through so so much in my life and I will be damned if I let another idiot ruin that for me. Just need to remember who I was.
It is so sad and depressing to say, but I have genuinely lost who I was. I can't even tell you what I like anymore? What I enjoy? I intend to spend the next 12 months finding myself again. Loving myself again. It's going to be a long road. I have weight to lose, confidence to gain, friends to make, but I'll do this. As will we all.
We are strong women, just need to get that back!
Xx

You sound awesome. Focus day by day, or even hour by hour. Be kind to yourself. Perhaps do chat to your friends. They may be very glad to hear you have ended this awful relationship. You deserve so much more than the crumbs he gave you.

Thankyou!
You are so right, and in my head I know I am strong enough to continue with the process.. I just can't shake the waves of heartbreak that come over.
The questions, like after all I've done how can he just walk away without a word? The sadness of how long I've wasted giving all of my life and love to someone who couldn't even give 1% back. Wondering if I'll ever know just how he felt, I realise I should not care, and in some ways I don't, just hard not knowing if he is hurt too or happier. It's so hard to fight the urges to unblock him to be nosey, or contact him asking for my key that he was supposed to return. I know what I am doing is 100% the right thing to do, I have no doubts. It's just these waves that I wish would stop! It's mentally draining me today. It really doesn't help just how upset my 6yo son is either. They were so so close, (admittedly only because of the PlayStation which my now ex played on for around 11 hours a day, that being one of the main reasons we split..) but still, they had a close friendship and he's hurting too. X

Wishing you a better day today. Make some plans for some things to do with your DS. Build a den, crafts etc. Keep busy. Jo Wickes etc. Look after yourself. X

Of course you're sad. You are having to finally give up on the life you thought you had, hoped you could have. You are on the brink of a different life than you'd imagined, and that's going to be scary. But it's also full of possibilities. You can grieve for the old life, but now finally you can start to plan for the new. The one where you, YOU, matter.

Thankyou for more responses.
I feel awful today. Well since yesterday morning. Stupidly unblocked him for ten minutes to have a nose.. really had to fight the urge to message him! I didn't thankfully.. and blocked again.
I am just so sad that after everything, there's nothing, no fight, nothing.
I do honestly know that no contact is what will be best for me. But I can't help but miss my best friend. For as much as he was an absolute arsehole and probably very abusive, he was still all I had for that time of my life.
Sorry that sounds so "woe is me".
I'm trying to keep productive. We have finally been shopping and I'm planning a lovely family dinner and movie with the kids later. Hard to pull myself together but they are what's keeping me going!
Just so easily could go back to my bed and cry the day away again.. but I've done that for two days. No more!!! Xx

Well done you. One day further into getting over him and a happier future.

How about writing yourself a list of little happy milestones. A day when you don't have to endure a put down by him, a little extra money saved by not subsidising him do a treat for your kids or you. Doing the dishes without resentment that he should have helped out.

The little victories and happy moments are important.

I feel as though He is now winning..
I weakened late last night & contacted him, politely and diplomatically stating that he has currently has both of our house keys in his car & although we could manage, I would very soon need at least one back.
He then blocked me straight back and now this morning has just posted one through my door.
The sensible side of me presumes this is him getting the game back into his hands (I realise that sounds immature) & to turn the tables. It also makes me feel as though it's good and he's maybe as done as I am. But doesn't stop the questions going through my head & the hurting.
Why oh why could I not have just carried on as I was, not giving him a second of interest.

I heard someone on here recommend a book, 'Women who love too much'. Haven't read it myself but it sounds like you neglected your own self while pouring everything into this man. Spend this time working on you own self worth, looking into why you put an uncaring man on a pedestal ahead of your own needs. Read about healthy boundaries in relationships. Its normal to feel pain at first. It will be a long process but so worth it in the end.

Thankyou!
I will certainly have a look for that book now. X

This is inevitably going to be tough but you are doing the right thing. This is about him, not you. It does not sound like he gave you the love & respect you (everyone) deserves. You deserve better and hopefully when this is over you will find it. X

There is so much support on here as well from many wise women who have been through and come out the other of some awful relationships.
I felt your pain when I was younger so understand that feeling of devastation. It's like an addiction - I read about 'trauma bonding' on here also.

We learn about relationships from our upbringing. What patterns were set when you were growing up? If you were emotionally neglected in any way then you were likely to have grown up feeling unworthy of love. Having to people please or 'fawn' to try to make people love you.

I know it's hard but please try to keep him blocked and when you feel weak write down the reasons you need to end this and know the feeling will pass. Eventually you will wonder why you ever put up with him, I guarantee it. Stay strong lovely you can do this x

Thanks for even more lovely responses.
My childhood was ok. My parents were together until I was 16. I was always much closer to my dad than my mum, I always have been. I turned into the parent though when my dad left, my mum had the worst breakdown and from that age I was always having to look after her after so many suicide attempts. I understand how much she was hurting, and in some ways I feel bad for how unsympathetic I am now, but it was 15 years ago. As a child I don't remember her actually ever looking after me. It was my dad who made lunch, attended school things. Mum stayed in bed the whole of my childhood for as long as I remember. My dad did everything else. So maybe in some ways I was rejected by her? I'm not sure. We are not close now & if I start ranting about her, I don't always stop. She appears very spoiled and selfish, and I'll admit I'm highly jealous of my friends who have nice and supportive relationships with their Mothers.

This may be why I'm so desperately wanting to fast forward this break up process, I'm so scared I will end up like her. X

Don't ever feel bad for being unsympathetic to your mother. She failed to nurture and protect you as a child. I too was basically ignored by my mum as a child. Not in a nasty way but I was left to my own devices and had no protection whatsoever. If we have no positive role models for relationships growing up, it tends to reflect in our relationships in adulthood.

Maybe take this time to heal and nurture yourself. Don't ever settle for a crap relationship.

I'm not sure if anyone's still on this thread, but I'm really struggling now
Two weeks tomorrow since the split. I already know that time is the only answer but god why does it have to hurt so much still? It's the lack of fight, feeling completely robbed and used, and nothing in the end.

Oh sweetheart I just saw your update, I'm so sorry it's hard for you. And of course, you can't take your mind off it like you would in normal times, so a wobble is even more understandable than usual.
What time are you making in your day for you? Find something that interests you, teach yourself drawing from YouTube, plan to redecorate a room in your house, anything that is positive, doesn't involve him, that you've always wanted to try. Also, get a new lock on the front door. Don't give him a key.

@StrongAgain15
Hello OP. I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain - but so very well done for not begging him to come back!

Well done for moving forwards each day, one foot, one breath at a time. It will not always be this hard. If you are able to access few sessions of counselling for yourself I would strongly advise you to talk through this pain and your fear of ending up like your mother (from your description of your son you are NOT!).

Please reread your own posts and see how much negativity you had in your life with him - a couple of excerpts below:
I was made to feel disgusting, unloved, worthless, and invisible for years.

The sensible side of me presumes this is him getting the game back into his hands

This man is not your friend nor the friend of your son.

Also as the previous PP mentioned - change your locks, front and back if he had keys to both sets of doors. He's had plenty of time to have them copied and I think you said he's only returned one? Put a chain on the inside of the door for when you are home and/or the door is unlocked. You may think he'd never intrude on your home but he's not the man you thought he was - he sounds angry and frustrated at your actions.

Change any passwords he may know and unlink any devices you used to share.

Strength and light to you OP. You CAN do this! 🌹

Sending a hug to you OP. I think the temptation to be in touch is trying to reduce the pain of being “scammed” by him. But he’s just like a scamming builder - he’s got all your money and he never meant to do the roof in the first place. Ringing him up or messaging isn’t going to change his essential badness in relation to you. Can you get in touch with people who are kind to you? Friends or relations or colleagues? Just for a chat?

Hi, I’ve just been through similar. This is just me but the only way I can cope right now is through getting a psychiatric drug prescription of sertraline and weekly talking therapy. Never been a fan of anti depressants but they are supporting me through this right now. Maybe ask your doctor? Extending hand hold to you.