My work colleague has relapsed. What can I do?

[geordiema77]

I have only known this lady for about a year and we get on very well due to being the exact same age, having DC that are similar ages (mid/late teens) and similar senses of humour. Our interactions are mainly at work and we converse regularly via WhatsApp out side of work. She is divorced and lives on her own and her 2DC live 100% with her ExDH and visit her regularly. They are a 90min drive away. She holidays with them every summer but if she wants to see them or have them visit her, she has to drive there. My colleague and her ExDH appear to co parent very well: he invites her to Parent's Evenings for instance and They are very fluid with access to the DC. No animosity from what I've seen using the DC as pawns. For reference, the DC are privately educated and the ExDH pays for all school fees, school.holidays, etc
Before Lockdown started she admitted that she was an alcoholic and that she'd been a very heavy drinker. I'm now piecing two and two together and wondering if this is why the ExDH has majority custody of the DC.
We were messaging a few days ago as per usual, sharing photos of our DC, moaning about lockdown and then two days ago she rang me for a chat.
When I heard her on the phone, she sounded drunk but she said she wasn't I wasn't convinced, trust me I've heard enough pissed people in my time. I spoke to her yesterday and she was very emotional so I asked if she had anyone with her (she didn't) and did she want some company. I went round to see her and she sounded exactly the same in person with eyes that slowly blinked. It didn't take too long for her to admit she'd relapsed
I stayed for a bit and tried to comfort her but I don't have any experience of knowing anybody who is alcoholic so I'm unsure of the next steps. She does have family but they are geographically spread out around the UK and I'm aware she has some very good friends nearby but she is living alone to all intents and purposes.
My worry is when we go back to work, unless she gets to grips with this, she will be very likely drinking or drunk during office hours and I won't be able to help her.
She's been sober so she knows what to do but how do I get her to help herself? Can I do that?
By the sounds of what she was saying, her drinking was very hardcore years ago and she was pushing the limits which now makes me.realise if this was the factor in the divorce and why the children live with their dad.

You sound like a lovely friend

Unfortunately you can’t make anyone help themselves, especially not an addict. It has to come from her. You could suggest she contacts her GP or a support group (has she used one before?) but she has to want to do it.

You sound like a good, caring friend but in reality there is very little you can do for an addict. I would send her a brief but kind message saying you're there for her if she needs you and then step back. She has to sort this out herself.
Lockdown has brought on relapse for many

I'm a recovered alcoholic.
The sad fact is that you can't really help her unless she wants ( I mean really wants) to change.
She can say the right things and make the right noises but the fact is she needs to instigate this herself.
She admitted she had been drinking only because you were there and it was obvious.
Over the phone she lied.
Her mention of being 'hardcore' years ago also shines light on the fact that she probably thinks what she's drinking now isn't as bad so she will continue her drinking whilst she tells herself at least she isn't as bad as she was and it could be worse. Telling herself she'll never go back to that.
It very much looks like alcohol was a factor in divorce and the reason her DC don't live with her
If this wasn't the wake up call that set her on the road to sobriety then I very much doubt a kind face and offer of support will be the thing that does unfortunately so please don't expect too much.

95% meetings for AA are online at the moment. There’s a big list published and a lot of us are circulating them on Facebook amongst our secret groups. You can tell by the above I’m a 12 stepper, but she needs to nip it now and not feel shame. A lot of people are relapsing atm. The normal support network is different.

Thanks for the rapid replies, it's useful. When I got near her last night I smelt what i assumed to be mouthwash (?) on her breath so I'm guessing she was trying to disguise the smell of drink?
The point about lockdown being a main cause in the relapse is spot on as she is isolated and her job is sales based so she is worrying about when we return and her leads will be non existent and therefore her job. Tbh, I can understand that one and I think it's a legitimate concern.
I will text her later about online groups and see what her response is

I've found a list of online resources and sent her the link. I can see she's read the message but there's been no response so i will see if she replies later.
As you've pointed out and I've read on here countless times, I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and i certainly can't control it.

Hi OP, you sound lovely and caring. Lockdown has been tricky for many in AA (and I'm sure those who aren't) and Zoom meetings aren't the same, although better than nothing obviously. I've stepped up contact with lots of AA friends, sponsees etc. As you correctly say, the desire to stop has to come from your colleague and other than your support and encouragement, there isn't anything else you can do. Hope that she treats it as a slip and gets back on the path to recovery.

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to stop by and say thank you to you. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and it is draining trying to help them. There's very little you can do unless they want it for themselves.
Take care of yourself because it can be draining and frustrating, but also thank you for being a great friend to this lady too as it sounds like she very much needs it. Alcoholism is such a tough addiction. Try to speak to her about it when she is sober, as getting anything out of them after a drink can be emotional and challenging.

A great website is UK SMART Recovery. I believe they do online chats at certain times too and there is one dedicated to family and friends.

You sent her the link and she has not responded, she may or equally may not. That should now be it for you in terms of involvement, the road to hell after all is full of good intentions.

Do not get further dragged in, do not let her alcoholism now further become your issue. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship, neither approach works.

You may find contacting Al-anon here helpful to you; they are very helpful at working with people affected by other people's drinking.

The only person who can help this woman you write about is her own self and she also has to want to seek help of her own accord. The 3cs re alcoholism are prescient; you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.