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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fess up to limit damage?

26 replies

NewYearDear · 10/05/2020 00:01

My relationship with OH is pretty much dead in the water. I’m working on exit plan which is obviously on hold for now.... But in the meantime I’ve noticed lots of change in him which, from history with former OH, would suggest he’s up to stuff elsewhere. I’m not fussed TBH. It would make life easier and he’d be seeking attention elsewhere that he doesn’t get from me etc etc. But I had a phone snoop. He’s messaging a younger female colleague loads. They work very closely. She’s got a boyf. There’s nothing particularly untoward generally - just whole load of stupid joke passing, loads of Billy BS from him about inane stuff (he is a BSer) and the frequency is OTT. But there are three totally inappropriate sex jokes he’s sent her - all about women giving BJs. So so cringe and so so inappropriate. He could easily get fired for it. The colleague just responds “lol”. She’s not encouraging it. Do I call him out on it (as it’s my kids that will suffer if he loses his job, the market for his work is dire) which obvs shows I’ve been looking at his phone or doing nothing because he’s a grown-up (well, man child) and if he’s stupid enough to do it he has to live with that. I’m so embarrassed by his behaviour!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NewYearDear · 10/05/2020 00:02

Thanks for any advice you are able to offer x

OP posts:
Knowhowufeel2 · 10/05/2020 00:06

Oh, that's a tough one! I'd be so tempted to tell him to stop being a creep. Is she junior to him perhaps? Might explain her simply replying 'lol', as she might not want to upset him.

Think whichever way you play it you'll have regrets, but for the sake of the kids I think I'd have to say something.

Knowhowufeel2 · 10/05/2020 00:06

I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut though. 🙄

Wehttam · 10/05/2020 00:10

Have the upper hand in this and keep it to yourself. Like you said, you would be affecting your children’s future if his job was to go. You’ll be out of this situation soon enough, focus on yourself not revenge, it’ll only bring you bad karma.

FifteenToes · 10/05/2020 00:14

I'd leave it, really. (a) Regardless of your situation and anything he's done, you really shouldn't have been snooping on his phone, (b) it's his business to know how to behave in the workplace, and his business how he manages earning a living. After you split you'll be entitled to a percentage of earnings, but you won't be entitled to a say in how he goes about getting them. And (c) he probably won't take any notice of your objection anyway, or if he does modify his behaviour it will just be to make it more secret.

Original poster
NewYearDear · 10/05/2020 04:11

Oh no I don’t mean I’d dob him in to his work or anything - I don’t want any revenge. He’s a good person and I want an amicable split. I literally just wanted to know whether I say to him that I’ve seen it and he’s an absolutely idiot for doing it because he’s risking his job - he needs to stop. Sounds silly but I don’t even know if he’d know that. He just doesn’t get things. He cannot read social or emotional cues. My anxiety is through the roof as I’m catastrophising! Thanks ladies.

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Original poster
NewYearDear · 10/05/2020 04:13

I should say that the lies in the correspondence also throw up why I have a trust issue with him and I feel is further justification for why I’ll be telling him it’s over x

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Thepigeonsarecoming · 10/05/2020 04:17

If you already want to leave him why are you looking at his phone? Are you looking to blame him when you split? I’m confused

HannaYeah · 10/05/2020 04:17

What would you say? “I saw your messages to X. Don’t send BJ jokes to female colleagues. It won’t end well.”

Something like that? I probably would.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 10/05/2020 08:37

If its effecting you so much then tell him

InfiniteSheldon · 10/05/2020 08:41

You've made your mind up it's over so make that the last time you snoop and stop trying to manage him he's not your problem any more.

SonEtLumiere · 10/05/2020 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaeveDidIt · 10/05/2020 09:02

Yes, I would tell him something along the lines of:

We both know it's over etc., but you've really got to stop sending BJ messages to that girl because if it all blows up/her BF sees the messages, you will/very likely lose your job etc.

(I would also want to say wake up you fucking idiot - but don't).

EngagedAgain · 10/05/2020 09:20

Difficult one, but could he really get fired for it. How much younger is she. The fact she has a boyfriend is immaterial, unless he's your husband's boss!

NoMoreDickheads · 10/05/2020 09:32

Have the upper hand in this and keep it to yourself. Like you said, you would be affecting your children’s future if his job was to go. You’ll be out of this situation soon enough, focus on yourself not revenge, it’ll only bring you bad karma.

@Wehttam OP is just asking us whether she should tell her husband something, not anything else, work ertc, she's not mentioned contacting them at all, quite the opposite, she wants to safeguard his job.

@NewYearDear How far have you got with your exit plan? I think I would tell him- you're not happy anyway so any fallout won't be as bad as if your home life was currently bliss.

I think you're right that women (especially younger women with how the world's moved on a little) might be willing to tell HR about this from a colleague if they weren't happy with it..

I don't think you need to worry too much as it'll probably be ok, but you could tell him.

As to those saying it's not your business whether he keeps his job or not- of course it is as it'll effect your children's quality of life.

GinandGingerBeer · 10/05/2020 09:47

Your other way is to use a vague acquaintance who he's unlikely to remember or a virtual friend and tell him they've lost their job due to sending sexually explicit-texts to a young colleague. "What utter buffoon would think that was acceptable in this day and age eh? Never write anything to a work colleague you don't want your boss to see has always been my mantra ....."Etc etc
Might plant a seed unless he really is a fuckwit.

Yecats1990 · 10/05/2020 10:11

@EngagedAgain of course he could get fired for it. You are not supposed to send anyone you work with sexual jokes especially someone you are senior to. Its sexual misconduct even if it was just a joke.

I think @GinandGingerBeer has the right idea. Fabricate a story to tell him about how someone else lost their job by doing something similar

Original poster
NewYearDear · 10/05/2020 11:17

Thanks so much. I’m not trying to pin blame on him for us breaking up. Not at all. I was genuinely curious as something had piqued his interest as he was so jolly (!!), has taken up smoking again, new clothes etc. I’m really happy to take responsibility for the decision I make to split because I want to find some love and happiness in my life! It’s not a blame thing. When I say it would be easier if he was cheating I mean that it may mean he’ll be less upset when I break the news If he did have a number two lined up! But he doesn’t.

I haven’t spoken to him about wanting to split. Of course I was all ready to and then corona broke. It would be a bit odd to do it now I think - or may be not (so he can process it and we can make plans for post lockdown?).

This is really about saying exactly as suggested. You are an idiot for doing this as you risk your career, reputation etc etc. She’s not really young but she’s junior to him. He’s being a real tit.

Sadly I did try the whole - my friends boss just got sacked like when I saw the first one. He was like “oh what a silly thing to do” etc etc!!! Honestly there is something that just doesn’t compute in his brain. He’s going to need to spelt out!

I do feel it’s my problem if the sh1t hits the fan because the kids would suffer but also because splitting will be made very difficult / impossible if he has no income (mine is very modest) for us to get him rental accommodation etc.

I guess this is about me just being honest and saying I’ve looked. It’s absolutely not the right thing to do, I know that.

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Original poster
NewYearDear · 10/05/2020 11:19

*going to need to have it spelled out. Sorry!

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EngagedAgain · 10/05/2020 11:49

Yecats - point (sort of!) taken. OP, from your last post it makes me wonder if he's already checked out of the relationship. Judging by his response to you dropping hints he probably knows what you're really getting at, therefore knows you looked at his phone anyway. Even if you haven't told him yet you want to split he's probably picked up on vibes, and/or might know more than you think he does. Do you know for sure this woman has a boyfriend? If he's seeing someone else maybe that will solve his accommodation problem. As some pp's have said he's not your problem - he may still be at the moment, but once you have parted you can't control everything he does, ie in the future he gets the sack for inappropriate texting. If it bothers you that much, come out with it, I don't think you've got anything to lose if you're planning on parting. Say you're concerned about the children's future, as one day he could do it to the wrong person who would make a complaint.

Original poster
NewYearDear · 10/05/2020 15:07

@EngagedAgain she defo has a boyf (mentions him in messages, he never mentions me or the kids) and definitely no funny business between them. She’s out of his league I’d say! She’s entertaining all the chat but not the jokes. She isn’t going to call him up on that as she’s new and junior - yet. But she could, and she’d be entitled to!

He couldn’t say he’s happy in our relationship but definitely head in sand and would be happy to trundle on like this - perhaps getting kicks elsewhere. He’d never pull the plug.

I’m so sad and embarrassed it’s come to this. That I’m with someone I think is a creep / idiot that I’ve lost all respect for and that my kids have this “role model” (not that I’m perfect of course!!)

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EngagedAgain · 10/05/2020 15:19

Yes, so as I said before to the point in hand, if he makes a habit of it one day someone will take offence and put in a complaint. He might just get a slap on the wrist but potentially the sack. Have a think about what you want to do. If you think he suspects you looked at his phone then you may as well have it out with him sometime. I forgot earlier, about what you said about when to tell him about him going. You will know when the time is right!

NeverCastaClout · 10/05/2020 15:25

Why not tell him about a fake scenario where a friend of yours' brother has just been sacked for flirting with a subordinate? Would that make him think?

Original poster
NewYearDear · 10/05/2020 17:04

@NeverCastaClout

I tried that. I even referenced the exact same “joke”. I mean FFS. There is a missing link in his head. He just doesn’t get “it”. One of the reasons I want to split is because he’s generally - I hate to say it because it makes me sad - an embarrassment to me (again I’m sure I am to him!) as he doesn’t read social cues at all, says totally inappropriate things, gets the joke ten minutes after everyone else has laughed and the moment has passed, says things followed by tumbleweed moments - I’m always trying to rescue the situation (see a theme?!) and it’s exhausting. He was never like this when we first met.

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Raidblunner · 10/05/2020 17:50

Sounds like he may be undiagnosed high functioning aspergers. All men are on the spectrum some further around than others. You need a solid exit plan as little you say to him will make any difference by your description of him.