Just don't understand what's happened?

[Beth199]

I had a baby three months ago, my partner and I were together for two years before he broke up with me yesterday.

Basically I've been suffering Postnatal Depression, which has caused some issues with me overreacting to things. We spent a week apart before I had a mini breakdown and said I wanted to be on my own. I regretted it instantly the next morning and told him this, and we agreed to forget it and get back in track. We spent another two weeks apart (due to lockdown) and he said he had gotten used to being separate so it was best for us to break up. The next day I called him and told him I really loved him and wanted to try one more time. He agreed and we talked a lot about how we were feeling, he said he was really in love with me and really wanted to try hard to get back on track, and that he knew about my postnatal depression before I did and he wanted to help me through it. But a few days later he told me he didn't have feelings for me anymore and he wanted it to end.

We both have a child each from a previous relationship and throughout my pregnancy he was saying that he hated being a part time dad and would do anything to prevent that happening again. I told him that I was scared of being on my own with a baby again.

I understand I was the one who started it all off but I owned up to everything and apologised. I don't understand why he kept telling me he loved me only to say that actually he doesn't love me anymore only a few days later. Why did he say he wanted to help with my PND to give up a few days later. I know PND is difficult for the other parent to handle but I was in contact with my health visitor for help.

I feel so unwanted and like an idiot because I genuinely believed him when he said he loved me and wanted to help. I know it's very new and it will take a while to get over it but I just feel absolutely awful.

Should I ask him to talk about it again? How long should I wait before doing this?
I just can't imagine being in my own with a baby again and I feel disgusting.

Oh I am sorry you are dealing with this.

It sounds like you are both all over the place at the moment. Can you write it down in a letter for him. Are you on your own? Do you have family that you could join on lockdown. I think you both need some counselling and they are still being offered online I believe. If you aren't living together right now then it makes it even harder to sort out.

That said if it doesn't work out you CAN do this.

Okay, first off you're not disgusting. You are struggling, which is natural as many people are with lockdown and PND on top is a really hard thing to deal with. Try to cut yourself some slack.

It seems to me you've both been going through a very stressful time - admittedly you more than him - so maybe it'd be good to take a step back and take a deep breath.

Write a letter, that will give you the time and space to order your thoughts. Write to your partner saying that it's been a tough few months for both of you, and you'd like to talk about your relationship when you've both had time to gain some perspective. Make that in a couple of weeks maybe, especially as things will feel much less stifling and hard after the lockdown lifts.

For what it's worth it sounds like he got overwhelmed. It's not fair on you because you don't get to take a break from taking care of the baby, but it doesn't sound like he did it to hurt you. I don't know what happened / what words were said so it's hard to tell if there's any chance of fixing this, but if you want to fix it, it's worth a try.

Maybe remove all expectations about the relationship and agree to be flatmates/co-parent for a while. This way you don't have to do it alone but there's no pressure to make the relationship work ? And then it gives you time to figure out things once the PND is dealt with ?

For what it's worth I'm a single parent myself (albeit by choice) so I know exactly how hard it can be. Do remember that you can do it. You'll survive this, even if it doesn't feel like it right now, one way or the other. In the meantime give yourself permission to be sad, angry, lonely, fed up, etc. Feeling those emotions is normal and human. But if you ever feel the urge to hurt yourself or anyone else make sure you have someone to talk to.

And if you can get help from anyone, even if only for a few days, so you can rest a little, that could also help a great deal. Sleep deprivation is a bitch.

I'm sorry but I don't believe you are both going through stuff I think he's given up when the relationship got tough.

And he worked out that you had PND before you and what did he do about it? Bring you to the doctors, talk to you about it? Or did he just wait.
He is saying all this stuff but when you expect him to take action he says he likes being on his own. Well if course he does, your stuck with the baby and he knows you love him and won't be dating anyone else, your just be waiting for the small moments he shows you attention.

He absolutely loves that you've taken all the responsibility for this but PND isn't a joke, it's not your fault, and if he wants to actively work on your relationship just getting back together isn't going to fix it.
Is he prepared to go to therapy? Or is he just going to walk away.

My exh and ex dp both said they didn't want to be part time dads and they both turned out worse.
What his actions and forget about what he says: you need to see if he's actually a good
Dp or not.

Because it doesn't sound like he doesn't love you but it does sound like he doesn't actually want to grow up and take responsibility for the life he created.

That's sad OP . When you say

I understand I was the one who started it all off but I owned up to everything and apologised.

What actually happened? Did you do or say something you didn't mean? Could he just be finding it hard to forget it? He might just need some time and space from the relationship. Can he continue to help with the baby?

I'm living on my own with our baby and my daughter at the moment, but I have been speaking to my mum everyday.
He hasn't given up on our baby, after lockdown he wants to have him two nights a week.

Basically what happened was that he bought a house without talking to me. I got really annoyed because I told him I didn't want to live in that area but he bought it and didn't tell me until after he'd paid and signed. I think my PND made me overreact and I told him I wanted to leave his house and go back to mine for some space. A week later I apologised and explained why I overreacted, and that I realised I shouldn't have walked out I should have talked to him about it more thoroughly.
Two weeks after that he said he didn't think we should be together because he didn't think I'd like living there. Then a few days later he said he did really love me and wanted to try again. But yesterday he said he didn't have any feelings for me anymore and said it was because we weren't talking to each other as much. I said I thought we weren't speaking as much because we obviously aren't going out or really doing anything, so there's not really a lot to talk about.
We haven't spoken since it happened yesterday morning, so I don't know if we should talk in a few days or if there's no point.

But I didn't realise how bad my PND was until the last few days. I spoke to my health visitor about it a few days ago and she reffered me for talking therapy, which I will be starting next week.

Just to bump it up a little.

Big red flags there op. Who buys a house without telling their partner? I think he was already planning to leave. Can you get some counselling for your pnd? So sorry you're going through all this lovely. for you.

Ok that kind of changes things. I was already thinking you were taking way too much blame on yourself for this break up because he has clearly not been behaving in a rational way with you. However, your explanation of why you were upset makes it obvious that he has never seen you as a partner, at least not an equal partner. No one in a loving relationship would ever buy a house without discussion, particularly not in an area that you don't like. I think you have completely misread this man and you are better off without him, however it feels at this moment. That's a truly horrible way to behave.

I do really love him so I'm wondering if I should talk to him to ask why he's decided he suddenly doesn't love me anymore.

I don't think we should get back together but I just want to understand why he changed his mind after one week. He came to see our baby today and he looked happy and completely over me. He looked a lot less tired than he has done the past few weeks.

Should I ask him to talk about it or would it be best to just leave it? I just feel like I need to know why he said he loved me when he doesn't, I still love him so I'm finding it hard to understand.

Basically what happened was that he bought a house without talking to me. I got really annoyed because I told him I didn't want to live in that area but he bought it and didn't tell me until after he'd paid and signed. I think my PND made me overreact and

Tbh I don't have depression and I would have went nuts at this. He's done you over.

just feel like I need to know why he said he loved me when he doesn't, I still love him so I'm finding it hard to understand

He'll say anything to keep you sweet in that moment in time OP. His words mean nothing, look at his actions instead.

I'm sorry man. What a cock.

I'm sorry OP, but it looks like this man has put his needs above yours and your LO's and has shown a shocking disregard to you as his partner.

I can understand why his flip flopping about his feelings must be playing havoc with you but it's important to look at this guy's actions not his words- those are empty.

Buying a house without consulting his partner and the mother of his child? Those are the actions of someone who is considering his own needs- not yours. It's no wonder you were angry with him- PND or not.

Please proceed with caution, OP. I know the world is upside down at the moment, but he is showing you that he is not worth your further romantic investment. Anyone can give you empty words. Look right through it and identify the behaviour.

I still feel like I need to talk to him about all of this. I know it's only been three days since it happened, but I just can't wrap my head around why he changed his mind about me so quickly.
Is there anything in particular I should concentrate on saying?

I've also got my first therapy phone call today, just an assessment but it's a start!

So the new house is in his name only? Will you be able to keep your own house?

Yes the new house is purely his. We were living separately before that so I've still got the house I was renting however, I'm going to have to move soon as this is only a very small two bed house and I'll need an extra bedroom for baby.

I would delay that move. Your new baby will be sharing your room for several months anyway . Stability is much more important than space at the moment. Having your own place gives you more power in this, do not move into this new house before the situation has been resolved. It might be scary thinking of being a single parent but living stuck in a crappy relationship with no escape will be 100% worse.

This isn't him changing his mind in a week, when he bought the house without consulting you he clearly had no intention of you living there so it's been going on much longer than that.
Pay attention to his actions not words.

Beth

"He hasn't given up on our baby, after lockdown he wants to have him two nights a week".

And I would say no to this demand of his either. He will mess with your head further on this too. I would seriously consider claiming both maintenance here (he is financially responsible for his child) and having court ordered access rather than any informal arrangement. Who buys a house without telling their partner anyway?. He did and he did that because he does not want to share at all. He is a nasty piece of work who targeted you deliberately to use and otherwise mistreat. Talking to him about any aspect of your relationship will be a wasted effort.

Remain in your current abode for as long as you can and certainly do not ever get back with this man at all. He is bad news. Better to be on your own with your son and having court ordered access in place than to be so badly accompanied.

I completely understand @caringdenise009
I mean I will have to move house myself, without baby's dad, as the house I'm in will be too small when he's older. I know it's early days to be thinking about it but I live in an area where 99% of the houses are owned and lived in so you can't find rented places very often. So it's basically a case of starting to look as soon as I can when lockdowns over.

Can anyone help me figure out what to say to him when we talk? I'm thinking about doing it today to get it over and done, I don't want to go back through things in a few weeks when (hopefully) I'll be starting to get better.

I didn't see those last two posts before I posted mine.

He has a child from a previous relationship and while I was pregnant he said a few times that he would do anything not to be a part time dad again. I also have a child from a previous relationship and he has always told me he thinks of her as his own, he even texted my brother to say that when we first started having problems.
I know what he says this time might be a lie but I just want to know why he's said all of this and then given up so quickly.

The problems we were having only lasted a month, I know that's a bad amount of time for things like this but when you've just had a baby, surely you should give it a bit more time!

He wants to come and pick his belongings up in three days so I'm thinking I'll wait until then to talk to him about it all.

I'm sorry to keep bumping the post up and repeating myself over again, I've just never felt like this about someone and I have no idea what I'm doing.

You're being very quick to blame yourself. The PND isn't your fault, and you're not over reacting about him buying a house without telling you - that's massive! What did he say in response to you saying you didn't want to live in that area?

Don't chase after him. Leave him to it for now. Focus on practicalities. Get him to have time with the baby - he can take baby out for a pram walk while you get a shower or bath. Has he mentioned money? Ask him about that and remind him that not being a 'part time dad' is going to involve support of all kinds. But don't beg him to come back. That won't work at this stage.

What did he say in response to you saying you didn't want to live in that area?

He said I would like it as we would all be together, he did not want to compromise about moving because he said he's a big family man and he wants to be as close to his family as possible.

I will not do any begging, I won't tell him I want him back. I just want to know why he's changed his mind so quickly, our baby is only 3 months old.

I really want to talk to him about it today as it just keeps going round my head and I can't seem to stop it. I know I'm probably acting like a lovestruck teenager whose just had her first heartbreak, but essentially this is what it is. I'm 27 but I've never felt about someone the way I feel about him and he said the same about me a few weeks ago, so I just want to know what happened.

OP of course he looks less tired, he's getting the best of both worlds. You are doing all of the work and he gets all of the cuddles. Oh OP I can't imagine your heartbreak right now, but please don't get back with this man - he has shown an utter disregard for you and probably realised that being a full time parent isn't a bed of roses. What a prat.