How to talk to my alcoholic mum

[Ilovethekittehs]

Hi all,

My family haven't really ever spoken openly about it. It's a known secret and source of a lot of sadness in my family.

My mum is a high functioning alcoholic and has been since I was born. She drinks all of the time, but we thought she had been getting a lot better, out step dad told us she had stopped and I saw a marked change in her.

But the last few times I have seen her she has seemed 'off' and i just found out why, my sister has just found bottles galore hidden behind their sofa after spying on her going into the hallway randomly.

It just breaks my heart. I have a five month old and she has lied to my face about not drinking. I was just getting ready for her and my step dad to have him for a few days and I feel so stupid for believing she had changed.

I need to have a conversation with her but I would like some advice on how to do it. It's about my sons safety now which is why it has to come to the surface and something done. But, I am worried years of anger will come out and I'll end up making it worse. My mum is a real victim about everything whereas I am very fact based and not overtly emotional (you learn how to suppress yours when you grow up thinking your mum is crying and drunk because you've said something that has hurt her feelings).

I want her to know the pain she has caused me and will cause my son if she continues:

• being asleep most evenings from too much wine from as long as I can remember, leaving my sister and I to watch TV and take ourselves to bed.
• being drunk and saying she was going to kill herself when celebrating my sister and I I birthday when we picked her up at 9am
• going missing all night when I was ten, I had to bike around to find her
• crying all of the time, but doing nothing to change
• just that fucking way of talking with her eyes half closed
• crying at my engagement party and passing out on a desk chair, when it was the first time she had met my fiances family and friends (embarrassing)
• crying every single christmas when out of it

She doesn't accept she is depressed and she wont accept she has an alcohol problem, but now I have evidence I think she might listen.

I want her to know her grandson but I will not let him grow up around the fucking sadness I grew up around.

If anyone can help I would be greatly appreciative.

My dad was a functioning alcoholic.
Didn’t matter what I said he always denied he had a problem, he does in 2017 having never met my 2 children. When I was pregnant with my first who’s now 12, I took him for lunch and pleaded with him to stop or try to cut down. He went to the bar for another drink.
I gave him ample opportunities to meet the kids providing he was sober. It didn’t work.
He eventually got diagnosed with liver cancer. The hospital said if he could go without drinking for 6 weeks they would consider him for the transplant list.
6 weeks later a blood test showed a high alcohol content. They gave him another 6 weeks, gave him meds to try and stop the drinking. Told him he would die within a year. 6 weeks later same thing.
The drs prescribed him some chemo in tablet form and said he lost all his chances and there was nothing more they could do. Tried to arrange palliative care. Declined all help and went to the pub on way home. The only time I’d seen him not drink for a day was the day before he died.
Thing is if they can’t admit to themselves they have a problem. You can beg and plead and it won’t change a thing.
It’s hard I know. I wish I could give you some advice, the only thing I can say to you is please never blame yourself. It’s not your fault. You tried everything you could. Sending virtual hugs. I feel the pain you are going through. X

It is an illness. Not to take away from your hurt and anger, you've every right to feel it. But it's you who suffers from those feelings. I would look into counselling if that's something you would consider. Sorry for you and your mum. You have to do what's best for you and that might mean giving up on her changing or getting help.

There's no point. She won't listen until she's ready to change, and she isn't, The peg rson you need to help here is you. Please go and get some support from Al-Anon or a similar group for relatives of alcoholics. You will learn to manage your feelings, accept your powerlessness over her drinking and set boundaries for your life. You can't help her.

My late husband was an alcoholic - I learned a lot from attending support groups while he was in rehab and ongoing after he relapsed and our marriage crumbled. My late mother was also an alcoholic - she always had issues with booze, but escalated into full blown addiction after my dad died. What I learned from my husband's situation helped me deal with it when it happend again. You deserve help, because having an addict in your life is horrendous.

As pointy things rightly points out there is no point whatsoever in talking to your mother about her drinking. All she will hear from you is white noise and evidence can be denied.

I would also urge you to contact Al-anon as they are very good with people affected by another person’s drinking. You cannot help her or for that matter your enabler stepdad but you can and should help your own self here.

Keep your child well away from these two as well. He does not need or warrant this in his life.

It's a nightmare situation but I think all you can do is keep in touch and see her in a controlled way. You can't sort her out, tempting as it is to try.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to contact alcoholic anonymous next week for some support. Its sad because she has such a great job but it all falls to shit as soon as she gets home. We have always just ignored it, but I can now I have a child as it will potentially put him at risk.

I just wish she didnt have this disease.

Al - anon is the support group that will help you. Your mum should be going to alcoholics anonymous.

You could calmly but firmly say what you wrote in your op, but she may not be ready to hear it. She will know deep down that she has a problem, but will need a kick up the arse to make her do something. Not being trusted with her grandchild could be enough, but possibly not. Get aa phone numbers ready in case she shows willingness - you may get a small window.

Anyway, Al anon should be your first port of call. Her recovery is her responsibility.

Thank you, Al-anon I'll be contacting. I am going to try, she deserves to hear how I feel and the opportunity to change but I shan't get my hopes up.

There's absolutely no point in trying to talk to her. You need to grieve for the mother you didn't have during childhood and the one you won't have during as an adult.

Having tried it and come out of the other side, I advise you to walk, now. I've sat through many apologies (no responsibility taken though), much ranting, watched multiple rehab and relapses, heard so many lies and rewriting of history and promises that came to nothing. The relief when she finally died was immense and by then there was nothing left to grieve for.

I feel so sad for you. Is your mum
Lovely when she's not drinking and you wish she was that mum all the time?

The drink is stealing your mum and grandmother from your lives. And she's the one choosing to let it do that , with all the neglect & upset that comes with it . It's very self centred. Your mum can't live without her alcohol top ups in her body. Are you and Dsis able to take photos of the bottles to show her that you know?
Al Anon will be able to help you but ultimately do you think it will be helpful to say something like this -
"Mum we know you're still drinking excessively, it's an illness and a choice you are making to be ill all the time with alcoholism. You're unpleasant be around when you're drinking any alcohol nor safe for DGS. I won't put him through what I went through as a child. I don't want to go through it again. Don't drink anything when we are around or we will leave"

It won't help to let her argue nor try to get you into a debate about it or ignore it. I think it might help you to state your piece and give her a clear rule that you'll stick to. Don't invite her to yours , always go to somewhere that you can leave when she drinks and say why, "We are leaving as you are drinking and no one likes your behaviour when you're drunk." She may get the message enough to reign it in when you are around which is the best you might be able to hope for given how secretive and entrenched her alcoholism is.

What does stepdad say by the way?
It's great that you have seen a change and sounds like DM had a relapse. Sometimes saying how well she was doing and how much you loved getting the mum back that you know she can be when she doesn't let drink steal her from you. She might engage with that if she's been trying.

My mum was the same. I felt sad reading your post as the going missing etc and hiding bottles was my mum too.

I've just contacted al-anon last week as my counsellor keeps telling my mother is ill and can't help herself. She is Hugh functioning too. I have been no contact for a few years now. She is an addict. (Prozac, uppers, downers) she abused me all my life (until NC) she also has a big hand in a siblings death. I just don't get how they can't help themselves though when she held down a respected job - I just always thought she was a narcissist and toxic. I'm sorry op - my mother has never been interested in my children she has only been ever interested in herself. Al anon were very nice and are doing online sessions which is going to try soon hopefully. Hugs to all of you that have been through similar - it's a very isolating/ frustrating/heartbreaking situation to experience x

*high not hugh - bloody fat fingers

Obviously, you can never leave your child with her, and if she questions you about it, I would tell her exactly why, that she's an alcoholic and can't be trusted to care for a small child. Aside from that, there's nothing you can do aside from refusing to be around her when she's drunk.

@Sparticuscaticus thank you for a more balanced view. It's taken me a long time to know my mum separate from the alcohol. I grew up with a lot of resentment as I felt she found life with kids and a high pressure job too difficult and escaped into alcohol rather than trying to make herself happy or come up with new coping mechanisms. I do not remember spending any time with my mum as a child.

When I was a teen i was a typical teenager and rebelled, we butted heads so much I moved out at 17, I have always been independent and we could not live together. Wirh space, we reconnected and I remembered how whitty she is and headstrong, opinionated and very clever, but she is not a warm person towards me or my sister. She is a dream with my son, it is obvious he lights up her life and she loves him more than I think she has ever loved me. It's nice to see, the more love my son is surrounded with the better. Since my son was born, the marked improvement with her drinking began.

My step dad is not a big drinker and does not like her drinking, hence why I think he will be disappointed. My sister is going to take photos tonight, he didnt know she has been an alcoholic all our childhood, she left that one out. He is very easily manipulated and unfortunately falls for her many excuses, 'she is stressed, she is upset, she had a paracetamol which has made her tired, it's not alcohol' LOL when I told him in a previous conversation about how long she has been drinking he wqw heartbroken. She is very vicious when told hole truths, I expect he drinks with her occasionally for an easy life. He doesnt drink more than two glasses, mum will drink two bottles.

@obviouslymarvellous did al anon help? Sorry to read what you went through. No, they cant see the pain they do to people. In such denial.

@Aquamarine1029 thank you, I agree.

@Hotpinkangel19 sorry to hear. Did she ever get help?

They were very sympathetic on the phone and via email. I'm just not sure I want to hear she has no idea what she is doing and she's ill. (Maybe my own denial?) she treated me and my sibling very differently. And some of the things she has done have been horrific and I can't even bring myself to talk about it yet. I just think she is a nasty toxic narcissist- alcohol or not...
Try al anon though they were lovely and I hope they support you x

I'm in recovery and there's a good friend of mine from AA who's grandson was the push for her to get sober so definitely talk to her just in case the threat of you walking away with him is what triggers her rock bottom.

My mother was the same - she a number of degrees, masters, phd, and had a responsible job but it caught up with her in the end. She was found drinking at work, lost her job, almost lost her house, 2 out of her 3 children went nc and eventually she died of a burst varices at 57.

She used to turn up drunk to school things or not turn up at all. She just couldn't see it or couldn't admit she had a problem. She detoxed a number of times but it never lasted

@Ilovethekittehs No she didn't. She had a stroke at the age of 66 and passed away 3 years later. The alcoholism was almost certainly due to mental health/depression. She never had help for that either. She was a completely different mum when she was sober, a funny, kind, loving Mum. But when she was drunk I was terrified of her.

There are really no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism and I would think your stepdad acts as her enabler here too.

You can only help your own self ultimately, you cannot help anyone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. Neither she or r stepdad for that matter should be around your son, he needs protecting from all this. Sadly too, no-one thought it necessary to protect your sister and you from a childhood featuring alcoholism. You can do better than they did by your son.

There are really no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism

This.

I have known three alcoholics personally and closely. Two are now dead - my late husband and my late mum. The third is my Dsis' partner, who has done all the hard work and is now 10 years sober.

The experiences of my support group aren't encouraging either - out of the approximately 15 people who go regularly, one has a family member who has achieved and maintained sobriety. This is why you need to put yourself and your dependents first.