Can I ever trust him

[Tiedmum]

My husband has just told me that he had an affair in 2018 with woman at work. Came out coz her partner was told and he messaged my husband so deep down know it was because his hand was forced. He said it was over and since then he has actually been the best husband ever and its been the best year of our marriage. We were in a really bad place at the time and confided in her emotionally he only did this when he was on way home from work (which is why it was such a shock) as he came home every night and there were no real tell tale signs as he wasn't always out etc... I always said if he cheated it would be over but am really torn on what to do as I've had 20 years together and 13 years of marriage and he is in the house telling me how he ended it to work on us. He says he would do anything. I feel so confused as we have kids so this decision is not just about me. However is it possible to ever trust him again?

He is proven to be untrustworthy, so as things stand you cannot trust him.

It is up to him to regain your trust, by acting in a trustworthy manner.

This link will help: www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/

Thanks for the reply I really appreciate it. I think I am being nieve to think that I would just trust him once I had decided on what I want. At the moment I don't feel able to and he is ok with that and wait til I decide. As it stands I really need to figure this out to decide which path I take.

Yes OP, don't rush into anything. You have the upper hand. What I would do is check his phone & email etc and double check there aren't others (& he has to show you as soon as you ask) but if the other parts of your marriage are good and he's telling the truth and just made a stupid mistake then is it worth the upheaval? X

Take your time. He needs to be completely open with his phone and computer, and allow you to talk this over as many times as you need to. You may find relationship or individual counselling useful to help you find your way. Don't rush to decide what's going to happen.

From my own experience, I could never trust him again (and he demonstrated it) and it was a relief to end things in the end.

He deleted everything so has nothing to show. He confided in a mutual friend so talked to him while I was there which confirmed everything - he offered to phone her but i have too much pride and self respect to want to (if that makes sence).I just just feel really torn. Yes our marriage is great. However had he told me in 2018 after it happened I would have gone. Is it normal to feel like your going mad? I

Yes, totally normal to feel like you're going mad.

He’s a liar and would have been more than happy to continue deceiving you. He’s not shown an ounce of respect or love for you by having his dirty affair.
There are probably many other lies he will have told you over the years.
Reconsider your marriage. Please.

Get some counselling would be my first piece of advice. It really helped me the first time round. We had 6 months of couples therapy, pulled our marriage apart and rebuilt. We were very happy afterwards, closer than ever although it was always there. Unfortunately it turns out he's just a cheat and he did it again so I left him.

I genuinely don't see how you could trust him again. You didn't spot the signs at the time so would more than likely be so paranoid, especially if you had a bad patch again or ups and downs like any other relationship.

Also he has had it easy compared to other husbands who have cheated, he's been able to try to be the best husband ever meaning you've had the best year of marriage, without the other stuff that generally happens in a relationship following the discovery of an affair, he hasn't had to deal with you being upset, or angry, or things going good then it being thrown in his face, he hasn't had to deal with tough conversations being brought up again and again and the relationship taking one step forward and then two steps back in terms of trust....so it's been easy for him to be a good husband!! you weren't questioning his motives and seeing guilt in every good thing that he did.

I am not sure if you will see this as I am late to your initial post, however I am hoping I may be able to help give an alternative perspective.

I was the other women four 4.5 years. I was single, he was a married work colleague. I had no children, they had 2 and had been together since secondary school (so around 20 years). We were completely innocent friends for 2 years and there was zero attraction to him on my part. But after he admitted to having feelings for me I realised I too had feelings. Things developed slowly - it was more of an emotional affair to begin with, then stolen kisses and then eventually sex (lots of sex). He always promised to leave her, I always told him to stay (for the children) but as the years went by and I changed my tune he became more inclined to stay through the fear of her stopping him seeing the kids, financial commitments - the usual pathetic excuses. He repeatedly swore on the kids lives he did not love his wife and would do everything to find the strength to leave - or push her to end it by causing arguments all the time.

I am not deluded, I always knew deep down he would never leave and I promise I know what an evil person I was/am (hence my username). I never dreamt in a million years I could do what I did, I thought women who did that were scum - I still do.

I ended it, left for another job, cut all contact and for three years heard nothing until Christmas 2019 when a card came through the door from him. I haven't responded and have no intention of ever doing so.

The reason I am telling you all of this is because I think you need to accept that if he is looking elsewhere he is not happy with you, he cannot love you and you deserve more. If the guy I had an affair with (literally everyone though he was a perfect, innocent family man) can do what he did and then still and make contact 3 years down the line.....I do not believe any man that cheats can ever be trusted again.

It is your life and your choice but please, trust me when I say he will lie to you. He will play it down and no doubt do everything he can to make you think he still loves you. It was a weak moment, he "got caught up in the excitement". It is ALL lies. The trust was shattered the moment he crossed that line with her.

He only feels bad because he was caught. He only told you because he knew the other woman's husband was going to inform you. Your husband is a cheater and his excuses ring hollow.

Your posts read as you are trying to convince yourself it wasn't that bad because you had problems at the time, he has been great and has been open with you since.

No one can answer if you will ever trust him again. If it was me, no I wouldn't. He only told you because you were going to hear it elsewhere - and probably more details than he cared to give.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. It's a terrible betrayal you did not deserve.

I think a several year long emotional affair is different to a few weeks / months (I assume?) of a sexual fling on the way home from work. My husband did similar - I’m 10 months into trying to heal. It’s a tough road - we’ve been told it takes a couple of years to get close to healing. I don’t think it necessarily means he doesn’t love you personally (I cheated when I was young (not married but had long term boyfriend) and I loved my boyfriend, it was an issue with me that caused me to cheat (self esteem issues) Also several counsellors have told us that men often cheat for ego / thrill / control / distraction / etc reasons (Where women tend to get emotionally involved) not because they love their AP or don’t love their OH (although it’s obviously not a good selfless love)

It does mean he didn’t consider you / was too selfish / didn’t appreciate you enough and that is something he has to be willing to fix. We found counselling useful.

Most people will tell you on here to leave - they did to me - but you have to do what’s right for you. Hope you make the right decision for you

The reason I am telling you all of this is because I think you need to accept that if he is looking elsewhere he is not happy with you, he cannot love you and you deserve more.

^ I just want to tell you this isn't always true. Very often people gsve affairs because they are unhappy with who they have become and find someone who they can project a different image to for a while and who reflects back someone else, someone they would rather be. Men who cheat often cannot find the words to say to their partner I feel less of the man I want to, I need help or support with X and turn to someone else instead...and this is about their issues, often stemming from childhood, not the marriage per se.

I agree counselling and taking your time. Sadly you are just at the beginning of this nightmare ride this horrible pair of shits dumped you on.

You know your marriage the best, you've likely had a good year because he's treated you the best either through guilt or remorse, or maybe he has learnt what he could lose by the experience so has appreciated you more. Can he keep that up now the cat is out of the bag? Will he be as supportive now that you know? You are going to be behaving differently with him, and rightly so. You will find it harder to be loving towards him. In time you will find out whether it is worth saving as it stands, you should also take into account how your relationship was overall for the years before this happened, rather than the past year as he had ulterior motive for being the loving husband. How he was behaving for the years before the affair, is a truer reflection on how you are as a couple.
You also know him best, does he appear to have what it takes to learn humility and develop integrity, ensuring that this does not happen again, even throughout the times where he has to listen to some home truths and sense of distain that you will occasionally have for him understandably?

So he only told you because he was forced to? And he was so good at being sneaky that you didn’t have a clue what he was up to?

Well, you know what he is capable of now.
I couldn’t trust again. I would constantly be questioning what he was up to when he wasn’t with me. Not a healthy way to live.

No you can't ever trust him again. Not like you did before anyway. That blind trust that only comes from that person never proving otherwise.

See your trust as a blank price of paper, he's taken that paper, screwed it up and ripped it. Now you can try and flatten it out , sellotape it's back together but it will NEVER be the same again.

You now know his capacity for deceit, this won't ever change.

He also only told you because his hand was forced. If he was genuinely remorseful, he'd have told you years ago and given you the facts to make up your mind if you wanted to carry on with the relationship. That's selfless, what he's done is selfish

He's full of shit op.