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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To leave?

26 replies

Helpthisgirl · 09/05/2020 17:29

OK my boyfriend and I have 4 kids together he works I stay at home, about a year ago I found lots of porn and sites ect on his phone he was paying for one, to have pictures of woman ect anyways I said we will try for the kids,,,, well till today I went shop and walk back in the house to find him wanking to porn when he’s already told me he wouldn’t do it again?
What should I do

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2020 17:48

Do not use these children here as any sort of reason to stay with this inherently untrustworthy individual. You and he should not be together any more.

What is the situation re the property, is it jointly rented or are you named on the mortgage?. Or it is his property in his sole name?

HavenDilemma · 09/05/2020 17:52

What's the problem? I genuinely don't mean to sound goady, I'm honestly curious as to why it's an issue???

I mean supporting the porn industry isn't great for many reasons, but in terms of your relationship? Why would it mean you feel the need to leave?

HavenDilemma · 09/05/2020 17:53

@AttilaTheMeerkat You and he should not be together any more.

Wtf?! First off, you have zero right to say that to anyone and secondly, WHY?!?

ChristmasFluff · 09/05/2020 17:55

@HavenDilemma, the issue is that the OP had a boundary of no porn, her partner agreed to this, and he has now broken that agreement.

It's hard enough for her when he will try to make out her boundaryis unreasonable, without other posters doing the same.

OP, he is not capable of being honest with you or of not using porn.

I'd bin him, but your standards are up to you. He isn't going to change. All you can do is what is best for you.

Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 09/05/2020 17:56

@HavenDilemma it’s because he lies and because he was using them to pay for pictures and I don’t know what else, and because if he told the true in said on hiding it I wouldn’t mind,
I know I over think things he says it’s just porn but how do I know it’s not more

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 09/05/2020 17:57

I’m pregnant with number 4 and I have 3 young children he pays for everything what would I do

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2020 17:58

Staying only and really for the sake of the kids is really a bad idea. Why should she stay with him at all. He seems to have all the power and control in the relationship too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2020 18:02

Your legal position here is very poor indeed and you describe this man also as your boyfriend. If you were to separate he would be financially responsible for his children but would have no such obligation to you.

How does he feel about you in a workplace?. Are you planning to go back to work, this will need to become a priority going forward.

suggestionsplease1 · 09/05/2020 18:03

I certainly wouldn't jump from 'he's using porn' to 'there miust be somehting more going on'. Lying is obviosuly not good, but many, many men and women watch porn to masturbate to on their own without anything else going on.

Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 09/05/2020 18:05

He don’t want me at work, he wants me home looking after the kids, I love him but sick of being lied to other then the wanking he’s great helps with the kids work hard ect, but don’t understand why he lies

OP posts:
suggestionsplease1 · 09/05/2020 18:08

"don't understand why he lies"...Because he's afraid you'll leave him if it's a deal breaker for you?

Wouldn't justify or excuse it, but could be a reason nonetheless?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2020 18:11

So he wants you really to be barefoot and pregnant then. He probably as well does not want you to work outside the home because then you would have a life of your own too and so in his worldview not permitted.

What’s he like with you day to day, does he treat you with respect or undisguised contempt?. Does he see you as merely there to serve him.? What is he like with you in relation to money and finances?. When was your last evening away from your kids?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What do your family think of him?

What is there to love about such a man?.

Nanny0gg · 09/05/2020 18:34

He might not want you to work, but what do you want?

category12 · 09/05/2020 18:41

If you're not happy with the situation, you need to get yourself in the position where you can be independent and leave.

Is being "barefoot and pregnant" and tied to the home your ideal way of living, or something he's pushed onto you? If you would like to work and he's controlling you and not letting you live the way you want, then you need to speak to Women's Aid and think about leaving with their support.

Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 09/05/2020 18:47

Like I said he nice and I love him, my 3 are 6.3.1 child care would be more then I would earn, if I wanted to work he would support me but he earns more,
I had a breakdown when I walked in to him wanking, I’m screamed at him and told him to leave but he hasn’t he fitting a new bathroom in at the minute, I’m so worried he back on sites talking to woman ( I never had prove of this ) I had prove he was paying for pictures,

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 09/05/2020 18:54

You've 4 kids and no job and you haven't got the legal protection of marriage? What were you thinking?

Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 09/05/2020 18:57

Marriage isn’t for me, I was thinking the Person I love wouldn’t break my trust

OP posts:
Dindins89 · 09/05/2020 19:01

OP I completely understand where you are coming from. A couple of years ago my husband paid for porn online.. and it wasn’t just porn it was interacting with women and paying a lot of money for it.

I still struggle to get over things now but know if he done it again I would 100% leave.

I understand why you are feeling the way you are and you wouldn’t be unreasonable to leave him.

Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 09/05/2020 19:07

I would 100% leave if I seen prove he was paying for it or on the sites as I walked in on him today he didn’t have time to hide his phone I looked on it and it was just porn girl on girl 🙄
But I don’t want to break up my family,

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 09/05/2020 19:10

Been trying to talk to him over it and he says he didn’t tell me ( I have asked if he uses porn) was because he didn’t want us to break up over it, but surly if he really cared he wouldn’t do it? He just says every man does it blla blla blaa

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2020 19:24

Not every man does this at all.

You do not have sucker written on your forehead but he is treating you like you do. He is really taking you for a complete fool here. He would be breaking up this family here because of and by his actions, you do not have to tolerate his choices.

Your legal position is extremely poor and now you’re having another child by him. How low exactly is your relationship bar here that you think he is nice?

category12 · 09/05/2020 19:30

If you decide to stay, consider a civil partnership, at least. You're incredibly vulnerable financially. If he left you or died, where would you be?

suggestionsplease1 · 09/05/2020 19:45

Everyone gets to decide their own dealbreakers OP so it's up to you how you want to move forward.

I would tend to agree with him that the use of porn is fairly commonplace amongst men, and not really that unsual amongst women either. I think you need to work out exactly what you find problematic - is it that he is masturbating at all? Is it specficially the porn, so you would be ok with him masturbating but not to images or videos? Would soft images be acceptable, but stronger images/videos where participants may be being exploited be unacceptable? Is it really that you're concerned it's not simply porn, but paid for interactions with people online? Is it the fact that he's lied?

I would try to get to the bottom of where your unhappiness lies here, as there are lots of possible things you could find problematic.

For lots of people masturbation is something very common for them , whether in a relationship or not - I would find it a dealbreaker if a partner asked me not to masturbate, as it is as natural to me as eating or drinking and has been since early teens. I would however be open to a discussion if they considered any materials problematic because of concerns about explotation.

Original poster
Helpthisgirl · 09/05/2020 19:53

It’s because he used online dating sites ect before to wank over, I’m worried he will do this again, he said he won’t stop wanking as he saying it’s controlling and he will only use porn?
I’m done talking to him about it for tonight we haven’t stop arguing since I found him doing it,
Before I left for the shop, I was flirting with him saying I can’t wait for the kids to go bed so we can ..... then I come home to him wanking over porn
He knows I will give me sex when ever I will pleasure him when I don’t feel like it.
So I’m just not enough

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2020 20:04

The more you write about him, the worse he sounds.