Words of advice

[Ilovetheseventies]

My DH and I split up 2 years ago. I'm finding this time very difficult. I sometimes think I want my old life back.
The split was instigated by me but the one thing I find difficult to deal with is the lack of communication.
If I've had break ups before and things have been discussed on both sides.
I could see how painful it was for him but whenever I tried to discuss things, he refused to talk, said the feeling was mutual, asked what there was to discuss.
So nothing was discussed, no wanting to try again, make it work. No asking how I felt, nothing.
I just don't know how to move on. I've had counselling, I've tried to talk to him and got treated like an aquintance.
I know I hurt him by leaving but I just felt emotionally he wasn't there for me and I couldnt do it anymore.
I'm just finding it hard, has anyone else been with someone who just totally shut down and how did you deal with it?

18 years and 3 children together.

If he was unemotional, and that usually means uncommunicative too, before you left, it is unrealistic to think that leaving him would change that. Or repeatedly asking for a 'discussion'.

Are you disappointed that he didn't fight for the relationship? Which doesn't make sense if you really meant to leave him. Or was it an ultimatum to try and get him to change and he called your bluff.

I actually agree with him: what was there to discuss. You wanted to finish the relationship, he agreed. Job done. There is nothing to discuss now either, outside of your children's care. You are the mother of his children, not his friend now.

I'm curious what you feel the need to discuss? Do you want to take over why the relationship ended (seems pretty clear), why he didn't try to fight to keep you (also pretty clear), get him to accept responsibility (not going to happen)? What exactly are you hoping this discussion will entail? What outcome do you want?

Are you looking for some sort of absolution from him?

No I'm not expecting any absolution. Have you been in this situation. We're you with someone that wouldn't discuss things of an emotional nature?

No, not really - I'm more on the non-emotional talk side myself. My ex was very emotional about the split, but I'd done my crying and explaining and so forth during the relationship.

It seems like you want "closure" but he already has it, so you need to give it to yourself. Do you think you made a mistake ending it?

Fact is, he isn't the person you want him to be: he couldn't be emotionally open during the relationship, and he isn't afterwards - nothing has changed, so even if you did get back together the same problems would still be there. Maybe you need to move your life along rather than looking back?

Yes you are right I do need to move my life along. It feels like I've made a mistake but it's really difficult to know as there were never any discussions about anything. Or what he felt about me. For all I know my behaviour affected how he was I simply don't know. We never really argued throughout the marriage. I would generally say how I felt and he would usually listen.
He didn't like confrontation so we probably had a handful of arguments.
I think he became emotionally detached and I blame myself for that probably because there weren't any answers.