Tired of the responsibly

[Bugsareinthebrook]

My husband isn’t a lazy person but essentially does what he wants to do and not much else. He didn’t help with house work. I do the cooking, cleaning , washing , ironing, shopping, gardening . We have a 12 year old and I organise childcare (or did as he doesn’t need that much now) and the homework. I do all house admin including paying bills as he is terrible with money. Since lockdown I have been the one organising the school work - what gets done etc. I’m also working full time from home . Son is bored - like all kids - we do do lots with him- walks, cooking , other projects to try to keep him going. But if he is left to himself he will either watch tv or his iPad- much like most kids. I have a disability which gives me pain and tiredness. Today is a bad day. I asked my husband to do something with our son so he wasn’t in front of tv all day. He has ignored me and is reading in the garden. I have had a head fit - it’s ok for him to criticise the boy for watching tv but when it suits him it’s ok? This has just made me feel crap because I just need to look after myself today but no I have to be the one jeeing everyone on and motivating them to do things, giving ideas . Why can’t he looks after me ?

Absolutely no reason why he can't look after you. But if you've run your marriage this way for 12+ years then why would he think there is anything wrong with how things are?

You state he isn't a lazy person but apparently you're doing 100% and he's doing? 🤔

He has worked away for large periods of time which has meant that I have had to be the one doing everything. Also as I said he is terrible with money so after nearly splitting up over it - I took the finances on to try to control the debt. Whenever I have broached the subjects I am either treated like a nuisance or he try’s for a while and then it goes back to normal

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is the point of you staying with this man?. Are you really only with him now out of habit or because of your son?. What do you want to teach him about relationships and what is he learning here?. You want him to act just like his dad does as an adult?

He does thinks when he wants to - even to the point if the dishes - it’s his job to do them but he won’t do them until the next morning. So I have a kitchen full of dishes all night. The worst if it is I know he is more than capable of domestic stuff . I agree he is reaching the boy bad habits. Maybe I need to go on strike .

Maybe? I think you do and really ask whatyou get out of this

Wow, what redeeming qualities does he actually have OP, and what are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds awful

You don’t need to go on strike (and that won’t achieve any long term change in him because he sees all within the home as your job, he being far too important to do it ) so much as seeking legal advice with a view to divorce.

Realistically he is lazy because if you didn't do it all he'd be sat in a house with no utilities as you'd not have paid the bills, knee high in rubbish because you hadn't cleaned up, and a child who would have been left to raise themself. I'm assuming he doesn't act like that at work? He is a fully competent adult who chooses not to be because he can't be arsed.

Fundamentally he is my best friend and we are happy. But I guess essentially at my cost on the responsibility side.

My husband isn’t a lazy person but essentially does what he wants to do and not much else.

You say he isn't a lazy person.

Would you not agree that he is a selfish person?

He would do the things you do if you didn't do them, but he'd prefer to watch you struggle to do them and act as a separate entity to the family unit rather than as part of a team.

He may not be lazy, but that makes it worse, because he is capable and can get shit done if needed. He's just so selfish he would rather not make the effort.

Fundamentally he is my best friend and we are happy. But I guess essentially at my cost on the responsibility side.

Sunk cost fallacy.

If you could change five things about your relationship to make you happy, would he do them with no grumbles and keep doing them without being nagged, just to make you happy?

If you said look I've always done xyz but it's taking its toll on me now so Id really love for you to take it off my plate from now on... would he say god sorry I've never offered to help I didn't realise what a pain it is, talk me through it now and leave it with me from now on.

Because he fucking should and that's what a best friend should do but if you're honest with yourself do you think he would take it on board, be accountable for it and not see if he could get away with leaving it for you to still do?

You sound scared to rock the boat but if you're happy and best friends then you saying you're stressed and in need of a redistribution of efforts shouldn't rock the boat. It's what people do when they love each other.

Yes I see and it’s a good way of looking at it. I shouldn’t bag - I should expect. I am in no way looking for a divorce- I do believe we are more than that. I have just spoke to him and described him as a child. I have asked him what sort of example does he want to set his child and that I am his equal and it currently does not feel like I am. I need to change my attitude to - not just him. I come from an emotionally abusive childhood and I am a People pleaser . It’s a very hard thing to break as when you have been brought up like that it’s buried in your behaviour. I am only just uncovering what has happened to me .

You sound like his cook, cleaner and child carer not partner.

But you say he's not lazy?

He sounds nothing but lazy to me.

OP, why are you woth such a selfish waste of space.

So many great men out there.

Why stay with the wasters.

You deserve more.

Get the fxxking rid of him and have some peace.

Hope you feel better soon.