Husband says he’s felt suicidal

[Yakafre]

Posting as I can’t sleep and have no idea how to deal with this. Married to DH for 8 years, 3 DCs. For as long as I’ve known him, DH has been depressed and refuses to seek help. He goes through depressive episodes on average every 6 months which usually involve him becoming really withdrawn. He works hard but as soon as he’s home he just wants to stare at his phone and smoke weed. Sometimes I get the silent treatment and sometimes he storms off for a night or two. Usually once he comes round he is apologetic and remorseful but then the cycle just continues regardless. I try to be supportive and understanding but every time this happens and every time he refuses to get help, I’m ashamed to say I lose a little bit of sympathy for him. Anyway, overall I thought we were happy- he has told me as much. But he’s just slipped into another depressive episode this week and he says it’s all my fault. He hates coming home to me and he’s had suicidal thoughts. He wants to call our marriage a day but he won’t tell me why or what I’ve done to make him feel like this. I don’t know how to help him see that this is the depression talking but part of me has had enough and isn’t sure if this is a way out. Please help, I really don’t know what to do.

Why do you want to stay with him? What are you getting out of the relationship. Regardless of whether he has depression he sounds like an appalling man who is awful to you and has completely checked out of your relationship. I’d let him go. He’s a prick.

I thought I loved him but I don’t know now, it’s like a switch has been flicked and he’s a different person. The thought of telling the kids were separating breaks my heart.

The rest of your life is going to be endless rounds of the same crap. You continually appeasing him, trying to help him and worried about how he is going to react. You are not his mother.

I'd agree that it's time to separate and work out how to co-parent. Believe me, as a single parent, life is a lot better without trying to parent your partner.

life is a lot better without trying to parent your partner

This, 100%. Kids are very resilient OP, they'll be absolutely fine.

As a 32 year old adult I still remember my parents relationship growing up; they separated and got back together multiple times over the years and I always begged my mum not to let my dad back as the atmosphere was so much better when he wasn't around. She ignored me and allowed him to return every time. I never really forgave her for that. He eventually upped and left when I turned 18 without so much as a "goodbye" and I haven't seen him since. He built himself a new family with a much younger woman and has more children now with her. He apparently (I hear via one of his sisters/my aunts) feels he did all this and treated my mum so terribly over the years because of his mental health. But do you see, that doesn't make the behaviour acceptable?

Build a new life for yourself and your children and don't look back, they'll thank you in the long run I promise you

No wonder he’s “depressed” smoking weed causes low mood and can cause paranoia.
I’m surprised you put up with this crap.
Where is he going when he clears of for two days?
I suggest he’s got his eye on someone else. Tell him the doors there!!
Pack his bags.
Your kids will be ok.
My abusive ex left two years ago - my son is so much happier.
What do you do together that “creates family”
He’s not going to be great if he’s attached to his dope all night and I bet he’s not much company for you.
If he wants to go say “ok”
Don’t do anything for him, no cooking, cleaning and no intimacy.
To be honest I’d check his phone once he’s asleep.
It’s not you it’s him.
You children will be fine as long as the adults keep it healthy.

Let him go, your not the cause of his depression but he wont ever accept that if hes not seeking help. My guess would be the reality of his situation in a split will suddenly sober him once you outline living arrangements and childcare but at that point you need to make a decision based on your best interests. It sounds like you don't want to play the pick me dance.

It sounds like he’s struggling to be in a relationship, his behaviour is focused on him. It’s not surprising that you’re finding it so difficult though, you sound very isolated. He’s not a good husband for you, and probably not a great dad if he’s on his phone and smoking weed so much. He doesn’t want the best for you, which is what marriage should be about. You can’t rely on him at all by the sound of it.

I think pp’s are right. Time to put you and the kids first. I’m very sorry for you though, it’s really hard living with someone who’s depressed, especially if they won’t help themselves.

Where is he smoking weed? You say he just wants to look at his phone and smoke weed. Is he sitting there smoking weed in front of the children? If he is, then why are you allowing it and if he's not, then he's isolated all night by himself smoking weed?

He stops off so he can have an easy life OP. You, quite rightly, have a go at him about his appalling behaviour and, he stops you by storming off. You are reluctant to bring it up again because you know that it won't get resolved and he'll storm off. He ignore you to punish you for asking for change.

Has he had a diagnosis of depression or is he using depression as an excuse for really crap behaviour? Does he do anything to contribute towards the running of the house he lives in? Does he cook, shop, clean, bathe the children, read bedside stories, do a load of washing?

Is he threatening the end of your marriage to shut you up do you think? Is he manipulating you with suicide threats so he can sit around on his arse and smoke weed while you run around after him?

I split with someone for similar honestly it's a weight off my mind he started in on me one day because something idk 🤷‍♀️ the fucking sun wasnt right or something and it was my fault as per usual my response was colourful loud and to his mind devastating he wasnt going to stay anymore if I didnt love him WAAAAHH he hadnt done anything wrong WAAAH I told him to take his tears and shove them up his FUCKING ARSE

I'm so much calmer without him