Would you be the same if you were in this situation?

[McD45]

Hi, I thought I would come on here as I wasnt quite sure what to think of this situation myself and not sure what the best thing to do is when you like someone under these circumstances.

So I met this guy (lets call him Mark) in a pub back in early February this year, a month before lock down, he actually lived a few houses down from where my ex and I lived and we ended up chatting about how coincidental things were, given the fact I left my ex about 1.5 years ago and so did he.

I sold the house with my ex last year and was able to buy last November and loved this house ever since. I was lucky as may have been a different case this year. Unfortunately Mark still has to sell his house with the ex and get divorced too but he is definitely on the case with both just bad timing at the moment.

Now my friends are saying dont date a married men etc etc, but I see it as Mark has moved out of their home together (they dont have kids together either) he still pays the mortgage as she cant afford to and Mark is now living with one of their friends, rents out one of her rooms. who is female, I may add and she needed a lodger, she lives about 20mins away from myself.

So, Mark's so called house mate is 11 years older than him, went through a divorce 2 years ago and then found a new boyfriend she dated last year, who died which was awful, she is still grieving about him and is now thinking of dating his best mate, whilst dating someone else....!! ( I know I lost track too) She holds down a good job, studying therapy work but to me sounds like she is still unsure on where she is in life etc.

She was dating someone else in the last 2 months and this guy wasnt keen on my partner Mark, living in her room to rent, which is what I am feeling too at times with these two. Now Mark can moan about her, says she is huge in size (bit critical but I guess thats some men for you) and there is no way he would ever fancy her, but he can talk very highly about her other times, which is quite the opposite but I feel Mark living with her makes me feel uncomfortable. I dont think she is unattractive either. My worry is Mark is a very lovely guy, settling and she could grab him quite easily he is a good catch,well to me he is.

On the flip side of things, we get on great, once lockdown eases Mark has suggested going away, staying over and has asked us to become official now which is very sweet. I have no problems with how he treats me its all the other messy stuff going on around him that I am feeling chaotic about.

When Mark says he wants to stay over at mine to become close, after lockdown etc....as we have been seeing one another for say 3/4 months there is a strange part of me which is like erm no not too sure yet because of all the other stuff going on around him.

Would you be the same and still be wary.???

The house share with this lady, strangely concerns me too even though Mark says there is no way on earth he would fancy her it still bothers me he is living in a house with a woman etc....They watch films together at night in the same room as no other place for him to go and he hates being anti social and then there is dinner together, she buys one week he buys the other and the same with drink etc...He moved to hers in Feb this year too.

He never really says much but then says its her birthday next week he wants to get her something, I think he has known her several years before through friends etc.

But not sure why I cant feel settled with him, I think if he was divorced, house sold and didnt live with a female I would feel more secure, he knows I feel edgy about the divorce and the house but not this lady he lives with. She seems to be flitting from man to man, after her divorce 2 years ago and he says he can hear her slating her friends on the phone which surprised him as he thought she wasnt like that...(strange) and says he thinks its strange she wants to date her ex who died last year, his best friend...

So after speaking to him today I feel a tad uneasy again....

Not sure whether to say something to him or sit and wait it out as Mark reassures me we are great together...

thank you for reading...confused over here lol

xx

[HonestOpinion10]

You will tell him your concerns, be will up the bomb loving after plying you with lies, excuses and stories. I.wouldnt even bother because he will fins a way to wriggle his way back. Id just text him its not working for me good luck and BLOCK.

[BackseatCookers]

Criticising her weight and putting her down is a big red flag. Saying he would never fancy her is a weird thing to say. She’s a good enough friend that she’s let him stay and he’s trash talking about her. Well, that’s unkind and a bit shit really. It shows a character flaw in him. Do you really want to date somebody who can be that mean about a friend?

This.

He really doesn't sound like a prize OP, he's got a really nasty and ungrateful side.

People who have to talk shit about other people to feel or look good are generally cunts.

[YgritteSnow]

This is a very recognisable set of circumstances. I hope that "huge" lady he rents from doesn't read it or "Mark" may find himself homeless and you may find yourself with a lodger!

[mindutopia]

I think you just need to take a step back, chill out and see what happens when life gets back to normal. I think you are probably massively overthinking this because you are stuck at home and probably bored.

You've really only been dating a month (February-March) and since then haven't seen each other. You don't even really know him yet. If you enjoy his company, spend more time together after lockdown and see what happens. Now you may not want to date someone who could be on the rebound and still going through a difficult divorce (in which case, don't date him). But I wouldn't overthink the thing with the housemate. Dh lived with, I think 3 female housemates when I met him. They would drink and cook dinner and watch films together. That's what housemates do (especially now if they are both stuck at home and bored out of their mind). Moaning about your housemates is completely normal, though it is odd that he is trying so hard to convince you that he wouldn't fancy her. Maybe he is sensing your reaction to the situation and trying to respond but being awkward about it.

I think if you enjoy his company, start fresh when lockdown is over and see how things go. Get to know this friend and spend time over at his place. You don't need to rush into anything as you really barely know each other yet.

[FoxandFish]

I would go with what mindutopia has posted. Take it very slow and see what happens. I wouldn't become official with him either, not just yet and just after lockdown.

[noyoucannotcomein]

She was dating someone else in the last 2 months and this guy wasnt keen on my partner Mark,

Mark is far from being your partner. Keep it that way, as he sounds like he's not far from being a prize prick.

[stiffchain]

You met him, what? A month before lockdown... how come you call him your partner?
you've presumably not seen him for six weeks or so?

It's hardly a relationship. He's still married.
He's putting down his flatmate, criticising her looks ( and you are too inadvertently through insecurity) .

Let it lie. Reduce contact a bit. Maybe ask him out on a date once lockdown eases...

[MrsBobDylan]

Twice, following the break of a LTR, an ex-partner has very quickly got together with a woman he had previously slated (fat, stupid, boring). The last one went on to marry a woman he had been rude about for four years.

Make of that what you will.

[SoloMummy]

You haven't dated for 3 or 4 months. You met up a few times for a month. That's the reality.

You may feel closer and familiar due to the length of time you've chatted. But in all honesty he could be spinning you a yarn and you've fallen hook, line and sinker. Alternatively, it could all be totally honest.

But there are alarm bells ringing in your head and you're not wanting to listen to them. Listen to your spidey sense, don't ignore it.

You struggle with his relationship with the flat mate. Be it innocent or not, your attitude is unhealthy and actually that's something you need to address. To ever have a meaningful relationship.

He's not divorced yet, still entwined with the ex wife and entangled with the flatmate.

You have made this relationship into a perfect potential relationship in your mind. Had covid not happened this may have pattered out long ago....

[monkeymonkey2010]

he is pushing to stay at mine
Well of course he is - it would be much cheaper for him.
He's paying two lots of accommodation costs - mortgage for ex and rent for himself with bills on top.
I doubt his 'friend' who he slags off is willing to subsidise his living costs to her own detriment.
I also highly doubt she's acting like his cook, cleaner and dogsbody and he needs someone to take on that responsibility.

He's been split from his ex for almost 2 years - yet chooses to pay her mortgage so she can carry on living in a house she can't afford.
It would have made more sense for her to move out to love with family/friends and then he'd only be paying on lot of accommodation costs.

He's not interested in getting his own place cos subsidizing his ex comes first.
Now he's looking to rush you into subsidizing his costs so he can afford to carry on enabling his ex - and have someone waiting on him hand and foot.