Tag teaming with toddler rather than parenting together.

[blueglassandfreesias]

DH works 4 days a week and I work 2 days.
DD (3) is with me most of the week but when it’s the weekend I always feel disappointed because instead of parenting with me or generally hanging out with me and DD, he does other things or I’ll do something while he has DD so it’s never the three of us together.
Today I told him that I always look forward to the weekend where we can all be together but am disappointed each time because it’s just as lonely as any other day because we end up tag teaming.
He said “it’s not true, you’re saying always which is an exaggeration” etc and I just feel like he’s refusing to take into account how I feel and is instead nit-picking at the choice of words I’ve used and denying that it’s even a reality.

I’m feeling angry now that he won’t acknowledge how I feel.

What should I do next?

Thanks for reading.

Can you give him specific examples e.g. detail how the time was spent last weekend. Go factual.

Is this a pre-lockdown issue?

Ok so when he says “not always, you’re exaggerating” you need to bring him back to the point. The point isn’t how much time this is happening, the point is how you’re feeling. So you need to say “ok but do you understand what I’m saying? I’m telling you I’m not happy with the set up so can we change it?” And that puts it right back to him to decide whether to deal with it. If he decides not to then you’ve a question to ask yourself.

I guess the current situation is working for him, so he went on the defensive a bit when you said you found it disappointing. Maybe he felt a bit judged?

Bring it up again. This time don't dwell on what's happened in the past, but talk about how both of you picture your 'ideal' weekend in terms of me-time, family time etc. Try to find a compromise that works for both of you. Then you have something to aim for going forwards.

Don’t start listing how often it happens with examples- that just reinforces that it is a “how often” issue rather than a how you’re feeling issue.

I agree with Chandler - don't start listing examples etc as that will increase the level of bad feeling about it. Focus on how you'd both like things to be going forwards.

Thank you.
I struggle to communicate effectively at the best of times so it’s really upsetting when it just turns into a disagreement.
Of course it’s amplified by the current situation because he’s the only adult I see apart from at work.

On Friday evenings, ask him to spend 5 mins with you planning an activity per day for the weekend, that includes all three of you. It can be blowing bubbles in the garden while having a cup of tea, or having a walk, nothing fancy.

The other side of it is that you could work on not having a picture of what the weekend should look like iyswim. Some people really don't enjoy being around toddlers and he might just be tag teaming in order to keep himself sane. It's not an uncommon strategy and once she is older, the dynamic will change again. If he is introverted, even moreso, he may be trying to pull his weight while balancing his MH.

Ah yes that makes sense.
If so I can understand that entirely I just feel really lonely being with DD the whole time and feel like DH is doing whatever he can to get away from us.
Anyway. Thanks for all of your constructive advice.

Some people really don't enjoy being around toddlers

Irrelevant when you’ve decided to have one I’m afraid. And I’m speaking as someone who found the toddler stage really hard. You have to really force yourself to make the effort. One parent opting out of family time means they’re deciding the other parent never has family time either. Not acceptable. What if they both don’t like being around toddlers? Do they both get to opt out?

feel like DH is doing whatever he can to get away from us.

You need to ask him if this is the case. It’s entirely possible, and you’re probably right. Instincts usually are. If it’s the case then he needs to work on that.

Do you ask him to join you, and he refuses? If so you've got a big problem.

You can ask him if he wants to get away from you, but if it were the case I doubt he would admit that to himself, let alone you. It's a highly inflammatory question anyway, because it will place him into a defensive position which will not help you get the result you want.

Focus on the behaviour you want to see OP. People, especially men, generally barely know how to name their own emotions, let alone link their behaviours to their emotions. There is little point trying to get them to articulate why they do what they do - get the what to the right place, and perhaps long after that, he might be able to articulate the why with the benefit of hindsight.

Are you able to state what would work for you and why? Do you want to do the drudge childcare jobs together - getting up at the crack of dawn / bath and putting to bed - or take turns - or do you want to do the “fun” play activities together - or do you want to take turns on this? What is the split currently and how would you like it? How would he like it and how can you compromise? Do you prioritise and make special the time you have together without your DC (when she is in bed, having a nap etc)