Don’t want to reconnect with old “friend”

[MsPeachh]

Recently I’ve been contacted by a woman who was on my university course and has just moved to my town, wanting to meet up (after life returns to normal). At university I found her incredibly clingy and draining and she was always obsessed with comparing and getting better grades than me on every assignment. I thought after she left that would be the last of her and I wouldn’t have to deal with it again. We didn’t stay in touch.

I don’t think she has changed her competitive ways as she “subtly” dropped in to the message twice that she had bought a house (we are in our late twenties and this is still quite an achievement for our peers) and to compound it all, she went on to gain a PhD whereas I didn’t (went into industry instead) which will be another thing for her to feel superior about.

How do I deal with this in a dignified way? We live in a small town and it’s very easy to bump into people you know, plus our field is quite small. At university I was too meek to tell her to shut up, but now I’m older I really can’t be bothered!

Just be polite and distant. You don't have to meet up with her or engage with her if you don't want to. Be vague and busy if she suggests meeting up, and polite but on your way somewhere in person if you bump into her.

If you are brave you could reply that you don't remember being close at uni - even that you don't have any particularly happy recollections of your acquaintance - and you see no purpose in meeting up.

However if you're a wimp like me I'd just ignore her message and hope she doesn't press the issue.

How is she contacting you? If it’s social media, restrict what she sees so there’s no engagement. If you’re comfortable with it, block her altogether. If you bump into her, be pleasant and say hi lovely to see you but you’re on your way to x y z so can’t stop to chat. Just be pleasant but don’t engage, be too busy to meet up. She’ll get the message.

Just tell her that that sounds lovely but always be too busy until she gets the message. You’re not obliged to spend time with someone that you dislike.

I worked with someone exactly the same as this, I would never want to reconnect either. Too draining to deal with someone so competitive.

I would set my stall out now then.
Starting by not replying.
If you then see her in town, quick nod then turn away pointedly. If approached, got to rush off.

Best to learn how to handle this.

I went thro it a year or so ago. Older lady I know the hobby wants to come stay for the weekend. Down she came and I do not want to repeat the experience.

When the inevitable enquiries about next time started, firstly I said no, too busy. Then vague hints about wanting to come to town, do i know anywhere she might stay? Gave places to stay, pointedly not my house. Now when i see her at social events we say hi and chit chat but a closer friendship is off the table. Shes overly dominant and behaviour a bit iffy. Safely dodged!

As someone who is a lot older than you are, I have learned to never waste a minute of your life spending time with people you don't care for.

Distance yourself and she'll fade away.

There was a girl on my college course who I would say hello to but nothing more. She was super competitive and came across as thinking she was better than everybody else

I'm not sure how long it was after I'd left college, probably a year or two, when she messaged me on FB. We weren't friends on there. She suggested meeting up and the way she spoke was as if we were lifelong best friends. She also just happened to mention that she was now managing a surgery. I didn't reply and have never seen her since the last day of college

I think the only reason she got in touch was to tell me about how job

I avoided one Uni 'friend' for so long another friend berated me on Facebook. I replied, publicly, that I didn't know who she was... unless she was the girl who stole an assignment out of my back and gave everyone a copy. Caused me no end of trouble with the university, I was suspected of Collaboration, faced losing all marks for a semester.

It wasn't her, but she was I the group. She went away quietly

I suspect she wanted to get in a little brag about her new job in my case too! 😂

Do not respond.
I think she just wants to use you to elevate herself.
Why would you put yourself through it.
Don't be a people pleaser.

Life is way to short for this shit.

Don’t reply. If she keeps on hounding you or approaches your directly say something like

‘Glad things are going well for you. Life is so busy now, and I don’t relaly

Sent too soon

Life is so busy now, and I don’t really have time or space to reconnect. All the best

How were you contacted by her. Couldn't you just ignore her message?

If you are in a small town and work in the same field, is there any chance she could end up at the same place of work?

I hope it’s just a coincidence that she has moved to your town.

"Thanks for the invitation to get together, but No Thanks."

These types have a v thick skin. She will also have pissed off numerous people along the way. You will not be the only one to avoid / ignore / swerve / distance yourself.

Know the end point and get there quickly. So zero desire to meet up - so just ignore her texts. These types can be dogged and manipulative if you start engaging - so don’t bother.

If physically your paths crossed, just be vague, distant, busy and rushing off to something.

Like another PP has said I wish I hadn’t believed I needed to be polite and accommodate these types - because they erode your self esteem and steal your time and energy that you could have been spending with more inspiring people.

Don’t ever do anything in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) as it’s an inauthentic and miserable way to live.

Don't meet up with her or reply. If you run into her say hi and 'I'm fine thanks' and then say you really must go and get on with your shopping/work etc.

You can put her on mute without her knowing, so you don't have to hear any of it.

She contacted me by sending the same message to Facebook and my work email which is easy to find on google! She has a new job in academia. Quite frankly I’m very happy with my own job and I don’t want to hear it being put down to boost her self esteem just because it doesn’t require a PhD to do it!

Just don’t reply?

This is such a difficult one. Is there any way you could be very busy and the only chance you’d get to meet her is at toddler group/sports day/soft play, together with loads of your ‘mum’ friends? Cos that would solve the problem in about twenty minutes 😂

At least the current situation gives you an opportunity to put this off. If you do reply you could be non-committal - ‘nice to hear from you, hope you’re ok’ type thing’ without any questions or suggestions. She might subtly get the message that you’re not bothered about meeting up, but it won’t be awkward if you do bump into her.

I'd just ignore the message.

Just don’t reply. When I realised you just don’t have to reply, it was a revelation

You’re busy. Your forgetful, you’ve got a lot on. You meant to reply, you just...didn’t.

Forget about her!