fiance lied about his past

[Meopop0130]

i've always felt he's played down the importance of his past relationships as admittedly i can get jealous/create drama over anything he tells me relating to his past ....

but we recently recieved a letter from one of his exes detailing how he used to call her pets names, other things she'd only know if she had slept with him etc....and this is where i'm struggling to believe him....he's always maintained he never slept with her and that they were just friends.....
so after the letter arrived i kept asking him to tell me the truth but he was adamant he was .
and so now i can't get it out of my head that he's lying to me and i feel i can't trust him anymore.
am i being unreasonable? is he lying to keep the peace and can't now backtrack?
i'm fine with being told it's me in the wrong for being insecure over his past..i know that...but is he wrong for lying to me ?

Any one who is capable of sending such a card, is capable of lying. The card is obviously malicious, so what it contains could easily (and probably) be bollox. As an ex friend it's highly possible she knows someone who did sleep with him and got the info from them.

That said your inability to deal with his past is a huge problem! You cause drama, you get insecure, you demand answers by pestering and obsessing, you jump to believing someone who obviously is trying to case trouble rather then the man you know well. You have no idea how he treated her, or what exactly she's referring to. She could mean that he didn't love her when she loved him. She could have meant that he stopped the friendship when he realised she was weirdly obsessed. She could be deluded that a relationship existed when it didn't.

Your insecurity is a huge red flag for major problems in the future. I'm surprised anyone's put up with it. I won't!

The letter is odd.

But, what does it matter who he slept with a past relationships? If he is with you and you have a solid trusting relationship then the past stays where it is. I think you need to think about whether you are really ready for this engagement.

In what way do you "create drama" when he tells you about his past?

I got an email recently which was a complete blast from the past. I hear it's a bit of a thing at the moment to work out one's past and face leftover issues. That in itself is not psycho. However addressing it to both of you rather than just him is weird- like she's inviting you into their (whatever it was) shared past. That's odd. I wouldn't dream of sharing what I received with anyone as it referred to something which firmly belongs in the past. Dragging it into the present would be deeply unhealthy.

He was probably keeping the truth from you because you have retrospective jealousy. My ex wife put me through hell because of a handful of women I'd slept with before her. Throughout our marriage little digs about the past would arise. You can't change his past much like yours. Surely it's a persons tomorrows your interested in not their yesterdays.

You asked him if he slept with her in the past. Which is intrusive and a bit of a red flag. He said no. No normal person would need to lie unless they expected an abnormal reaction. You have stated you are unable to process this type of truth. Few people would give you an opportunity to do it. In that sense you are going to create vicious circle of pain for yourself.

But you don’t know if he lied. You are basing this on a card or note that is clearly malicious. That she alleged he called her pet names cannot be proven. That these allegations imply they slept together is your assumption as you stated in the OP.

For other pps, it’s the OP who has called the writer a psycho. She does not say it was her boyfriend.

The OP shouldn’t be in a relationship until she can process some fairly basic human behaviour, in this case a boyfriend having a past sex. That’s the solution here for her.

If the boyfriend posted I might like to ask him why he is attracted to such drama and to damaged women. But he hasn’t.

The OP should leave him and get some therapy.

Your insecurities are a huge red flag but so is a letter from an ex hoping he treats you better than he treated her.
Although this loses a lot of credibility when she starts talking about pet names and sounding like a jellyfish.

Does he treat you well and would you have reason to think he is capable of mistreatment?

If you do plan to marry him, you need to work on this behaviour which probably stems from you comparing yourself to his past experiences for your own complexes just remember they're exes for a reason and he has you in his life for a reason too, don't ruin it.

Grrr jealous ex not jellyfish

I got an email recently which was a complete blast from the past. I hear it's a bit of a thing at the moment to work out one's past and face leftover issues. That in itself is not psycho.

It is a bit psycho when it's in an engagement card.

You asked him if he slept with her in the past. Which is intrusive and a bit of a red flag

Not if the friend is still in his circle and the OP was concerned about his current behaviour.

OP, I think you need to provide context..why do you think he has lied?

What has he lied about?

Firstly, you don't even know if he has lied.

Secondly - and I am huge on not tolerating liars - he has lied because of the jealousy and drama you create when he tells the truth about his past relationships. Relationships that are done and gone, and that he can do nothing about.

This is the sort of thing the abusive ex would do - badger and badger me until I'd tell him things, then kick off. I very quickly learned to lie to keep the peace. Then if he found out the truth, I'd get it in the neck for lying as well.

So I really feel for your partner. He's in a double-bind and cannot win, whatever he does.

After I ended that relationship, I vowed never to stick around liars, or lie myself, again. It's why I eel the way I do about lying being a deal-breaker.

Your situation is entirely different to the normal though, so I have every sympathy with your partner.

The problem here lies primarily within you, and only you can sort yourself out. You need to lay off him.

Sounds like the bloke sure can pick em.

Your insecurities are a huge red flag

IDK if you meant this how I'm reading it, but I don't think OP is being unduly insecure. Her OH lied and said he was never sexually involved with this woman. The woman revealed details that prove they did have a sexual relationship, and he's still continuing to lie- OP isn't being insecure, he's lying and that is a fact.

Depending on the details the ex revealed, his lying could be pretty blatantly obvious, yet he's still lying.

Any one who is capable of sending such a card, is capable of lying

@Thingsdogetbetter Yes, OP said it includes things like physical details that the woman wouldn'tve known if she hadn't slept with him, though.

Sending that stuff in an engagement card that you would read is psycho. If anyone thinks that is normal behaviour, you need to think twice.

Well the ex sounds batshit and so do you. Unless he is having sex with other people while in a relationship with you then his sexual history is nothing to do with you. I have never asked DH to explain or justify his past and he's never demanded it of me either. Let it go. If a woman posted that her partner was obsessed with her exes/who she's slept with, there would be cries of abuse and ltb! It's not healthy behaviour and you need to stop.

I don’t think anyone is that unique in bed for an ex to be able to out them. Unless they were 12 at the time, they will have had some form of intimacy. That will a few good guesses and a bit of rumour could be enough to set off the OP in thinking they had sex.

The OP knows this woman is an ex. She must assume something was there, romance and intimacy at some level. Why she wanted details is not normal. It’s self abuse.

thanks for all the candid replies....i do appreciate it and i agree with the ones who have said it's me that needs help, i've always been insecure and i know if i carry on like this i'm going to push him away.
he treats me so well, always reassuring me which i know can be very draining. even if he has lied i can understand why.

As PP have said - he can't win. Damned if he tells the truth but damned if he doesn't. You don't need intimate details of an ex, he shouldn't need to explain himself and you shouldn't be holding it against him

It sounds to me like there are deep rooted issues here and probably best to postpone the wedding IMO

OP what are your reasons for being so insecure? I'd work on this, get some professional help. Realising it is you is a good first step and then working out ways to overcome them is the next.

To be honest tbe fact she sent the letter to clearly stir trouble makes me think she was possibly unhinged when they were together.

I have no interest in my partners exes, of which there has been quite a few over the years. Asking when you clearly have insecurity issues is opening a can of worms. Why did you want to know anyway?

To be honest I don't know why I keep creating issues over it . I suppose I'm constantly looking for reassurance that he loves me more than any of the others which is ridiculous. Even when I'm saying it I can hear how out of order I'm being but I can't seem to stop 🙁

How long have you been together.

How long ago did he finish with this ex.

Her card is psycho and the intent is to send you up the wall.

Spin that on its head.

Commit to developing more emotional capacity - to stop, think and breathe before any reaction. Then after this incident do some research on attachment theory, abandonment and jealousy. So much on line and YouTube. Get educated - get professional help to sort this issue once and for all so that it doesn’t come with you into your marriage and erode it.

Then thank her (in your head) for this opportunity of a life lesson and personal growth.

Your DF is entitled to his emotional privacy and you should apologise and respect this.

I'd suggest therapy for yourself op. You have low self esteem, hence the constant needing of validation of his feelinfs. I fear if you don't sort this out your craving reassurance will cause serious problems. Personally I'd walk away from a partner doing what you are doing. It would drive me insane.

Expecting him to divulge all of his past and then questioning it is totally out of order. This is your issue, not his. He likely lied to save himself from your interrogation.

What @MonkeyToesOfDoom said.

For her to be acting like that, he must've really hurt her. My ex had a best female friend. I found a picture if her naked on his bed. He swore on our newborn daughter's life that she didn't know he'd taken the picture 🙄 and that they'd never had sex. I asked her directly... they'd been sleeping together. What's worse is that he also joked about using a date rape drug on her. He'd rather look like a dangerous pervert and swear on his child's life than tell the truth, which says a lot about his capabilities to lie.

Go with your gut and your perception of the evidence.