How to prevent this happening on a first date

[Fdil]

Not sure where to start. I've had quite a tough time over the last few years. A huge legal battle with ex (won't go into details but many lies from ex). Spent a load of money on lawyers and a huge amount of stress but I won. Moved house twice. Met someone but after 6 months realised it was big mistake and ended it. When things were looking hopeful my mother died . Despite all this, I have tried to maintain positive for DC. Good job and income, lots of good friends and we are healthy. I've put dating on a back burner for the last couple of years but would like to meet someone.

Decided to join OLD earlier this year. First date was a disaster. Basically felt like an interview on my past relationships, why they had 'failed', then brings up the subject of parents. My mother had recently died at this point and I told him. Many intrusive questions followed. How she died. What was it like. Asking about the funeral etc. After 15 mins I wanted to run away. Second date, similar thing but the focus was on my children. Asking their names, which school they go to etc. Really personal questions on each date. I felt really exposed and kept changing the subject. Isn't dating meant to be fun? I didn't see either again. I suppose what I'm asking is how to avoid the dates going like this? I don't want to share my life with a stranger on a first date (especially all the sad bits). Should I brush over personal issues and change the subject or is this the nature of OLD these days?

Maybe get to know them a bit more by email before meeting up just to make sure you feel comfortable talking to them and have things in common.

I guess you could have a few topics in mind to turn the conversation to which are a bit more general and less personal. Like the PP said, when you have learnt a bit more about them, hopefully you will have a few ideas, whether it's running, politics, cooking whatever.

It does sound weird those dates you described . I hope you have better luck next time.

Yes true. So, not all first dates are like this?

I think you had bad luck with those two guys/women.

Unfortunately in old - bad "luck" is common because it tends to feel like it's populated by 80% weirdos and dickheads.

It's a real numbers game, sift through the chaff type game. If you find someone's behaviour inappropriate, you bail/don't see them again and that's exactly what you've done.

You have excellent boundaries.

Keep on, with the caveat that the well adjusted people are in the minority.

Also it's worth making as many strands to your dating strategy as possible, with old only being one of them. Eg hobbies, activities, volunteering, meetup, sports, .. classes etc.
There have been several threads on the subject with ideas for meeting people.

Change the subject. You don't have to share more than you're comfortable sharing.

No, not all men are like this, even in OLD. Sounds like you were maybe unlucky enough to come across 2 with poor social skills. Perhaps the one who asked your kid's names just thought you might like to talk about them and was trying to seem like he wanted to get to know you.

If someone asks something you're not comfortable answering, or for details you don't want to share with a stranger, just say you don't want to go into it/share it. A reasonable person will accept that.

Gilbert is right that OLD does tend to have a higher percentage of wierdoes, and she makes some good points.

One of the biggest criticisms from women on a 'getting to know you' date is that men only want to talk about themselves and show little interest in their date. I wonder if there's been some new advice for men on the dating website or app to ask questions to appear more interested, and they're struggling to come across as natural, so it becomes like an interview? I agree it should be lighthearted and fun but just wonder if they're trying too hard.

I never answered personal questions on first dates or even second. Keep the mystery.
When was your last relationship? A few months ago ( even if it wasn't)
Why did it end ? Just weren't compatible ( no other details).
Too much pushing on anything they got 'I'd rather not discuss it' or 'I'm sure there are better things to talk about'. Changing the subject as well is good 'what a fabulous restaurant!' ' this chicken is delicious'. Whatever.
I really recommend this book too. I don't think I ever got asked a question not covered here.
www.amazon.com/How-Answer-Dumb-Dating-Questions/dp/1974117553
I always got asked on further dates and I dated tons before I met dh

I’ve also had more issues with men who waffled on and on about themselves and asked me no questions. On the rare occasion I’ve had a nosy date, I’ve been direct and said, “That’s not a topic for a first date” or even, “I don’t want to talk about that yet.” The man who harangued me about Brexit and demanded that I explain the way I voted was a good example! He was so persistent that it became rude and there was I declined a second date.

Sounds like you over share tbh.

I met DH via OLD and we chatted extensively before meeting in person for a date. There were no weird interview questions (good analogy!) because we had gotten all of that out of the way in chats prior to meeting in person.

I don't want to share my life with a stranger on a first date (especially all the sad bits). Should I brush over personal issues and change the subject or is this the nature of OLD these days?

Here are some phrases

"Gosh that's a very personal question!"

"Thats a lot of information for a first date"

"I don't like talking about personal things until I know someone a bit better"

There isn't a higher percentage of weirdos on online dating. Its just normal people. You've met 2 people out of billions and billions. If you are going to online date its imperative that you can move on quickly from bad matches. I suggest short initial first dates for a hours coffee to see if you fancy getting dolled up and going out for a 'proper date'.

Good advice, thanks all. I know some of you have suggested talking a lot beforehand but I have done that too, wasted a lot of time and realised no connection. But reading these posts I see it's a number game. And I like the idea of short dates/coffee and things to say to avoid the personal stuff. It's been a long time since I have dated so not used to all the questions. Thanks for the phrases/suggestions.

Personally I don't like long drawn out conversations before meeting someone.. But! I dont have to get a babysitter and can hop out at a moments notice so a wasted hours coffee doesn't really matter to me.

Good luck. Like anything, it's just practise. The dating threads on here are pretty good.