Is this friendship worth saving? Trigger warning - stillbirth

[ImDillDandin]

We've been friends with another couple for 30 years, I'll call them Tim and Sarah. We're not as close as we used to be and now only see them about twice per year and message each other every couple of months. At the time we met they had just suffered the stillbirth of their second child and I was pregnant with our first. Obviously their loss was a tragedy and not something any parent ever gets over. Out of respect we were very careful not to push much baby talk onto them and kept our excitement to ourselves. Things seemed ok for a while.

Some years later I was pregnant with our 2nd and, knowing what a sensitive subject this was for them, we only told them when we had no choice as it was obvious. Sarah took it very badly - she actually ran from the room (they had decided against another child) and struggled to acknowledge we were having another. Seeing me pregnant was also something she couldn't handle.

Things improved with them after our second was born, and life went on. Many years later their first child, now an adult, had a very strained relationship with them and has been no contact on and off for about 7 years. In that time he has married (they were not invited to the wedding) and become a parent himself, so our friends are grandparents but have only seen the child twice despite living close by. This breaks Sarah's heart and makes Tim very angry. When we meet them we know not to discuss their son (the subject is always shut down) and rarely discuss our DC, which can be difficult as our children are a huge part of our lives. It's a bit of a minefield TBH.

So to today. Our eldest is pregnant and we're to be grandparents for the first time. I decided to message Sarah last week as I know they're seeing other friends soon who already know our news. I included the news in a long series of messages about all sorts, so it wasn't the sole subject of the text. She saw the messages straight away but there has been radio silence since although she's online every day. Knowing them as I do, this will be very hard news for them to hear.

My DH thinks it's ridiculous that we have to walk on eggshells around them and he's annoyed that they haven't replied to my last message. They've known our DD all her life so I would hope they're pleased for her. I do wonder if there's much point continuing this friendship when there are so many subjects we have to avoid - things that are central to our lives. Perhaps they would actually prefer it if we lost touch? I just don't know. It's sad to lose old friends but I can't see how this situation is ever going to improve. If I call Sarah I know she'll insist she's absolutely fine about everything, she always does, but she's obviously not. Would it be unreasonable to leave it now and accept our friendship is pretty much over, or should we continue with this strange situation where every conversation is a mine field?

I agree with your husband really. Sarah seems very dramatic. Is she a good friend in other ways? Probably easiest to let it drift apart

Imagine making a ‘friend’ feel bad for becoming grandparents for the first time.

Losing a baby is horrific but life doesn’t revolve around them.

Drift apart OP, and congrats on your news.

While it is absolutely devastating what Sarah has been through, she sounds very hard work. Personally I would let things drift and accept that sadly the friendship is basically over, maybe bar the odd Christmas card. You have been very patient and understanding but shouldn't have to constantly walk on eggshells

Yikes! It sounds as though either parent has never really processed the feelings regarding the loss of their 2nd child. It isn’t fair that this is used (for lack of a better word) as a stick to beat you with on an emotional level.

It all sounds strained and one sided, you’re jumping through hoops to accommodate their feelings but there’s little to no reciprocation. I would hope they could be happy for you, perhaps when you feel ready, tell them that you are soon to be a Grandmother (congratulations to you and of course your DD!) with no expectations on positive reply. Depending on how they react, let that be the line drawn. If it’s positive, then hopefully it may be a salvageable friendship (though I’d recommend a bit of distancing emotionally for your own sake) - if it’s negative, that will be your answer.

I lost my third child to stillbirth last year, it was harrowing and I appreciate the way it is handled now by HCP’s is very different to 30 years ago, my friend has just announced she is expecting her first and I couldn’t be happier for her, does it sting a bit? Yes, but that is by no means a reason not to be happy and excited for my friend.

This is slightly off topic but just for anyone who needs to hear this. In the case of a friend who has suffered fertility issues or bereavement it's never a good idea to spring the news of your pregnancy to them face to face while you are looking very pregnant. Always much better to give a heads up via text or phone call so that they can deal with it privately without people watching their reaction.

Apart from that.... I think the issue is your friends and not you. Congrats on grandchild

Thank you so much for your replies and for your congratulations to us and our daughter. We're very excited! I half expected to be told what an awful friend I am and obviously Sarah is behaving perfectly naturally considering what they have suffered.

NaviSprite I think you have pinpointed the real issue. They have never effectively dealt with the trauma of losing their second child. Thank you so much for your comment, and I'm sorry to hear you have experienced the same loss.

Shoxfordian My friendship was really with Tim. We worked together for 8 years and always got along really well, so I have never been particularly close to Sarah, but I do like her and care about her.

We're fortunate to have never suffered the devastating loss of a child, so I've always tried to understand their, particularly Sarah's, reactions to anything child related. We are also very close to our DC, so can't imagine the pain of estrangement from an adult child. I want to be a good friend and I hate to think our news has caused pain, but the fear of putting our foot in it has been an issue for a while. Now with a grandchild on the way it's only going to get worse.

I think I will wait now and see what happens, but I think this friendship may have run its course.

Thanks again for your input, you have reassured me that I'm not being uncaring.

Is a friend someone you have to walk on eggshells around and they can 'shut down' conversations whenever it suits them? I'm really not sure that's a friend but I might be wrong. I think you might need to listen to your own inner sense on this one that the friendship has run it's course. The fact that she insists everything is fine when it blatantly isn't but won't discuss it with you is a really horrible feeling to be around...