Lacking emotional connection

[Coventry79]

Been with DW for around 10 years and married for 4. Late 30s. On the face of it everything is ok - both in very well paid jobs, nice house, no kids. We are both the kind of people that put others things first; helping family, work, socialising or improving the house. Does anyone have any advice for when you feel you're at the point where you are just housemates. The relationship has never been full of passion, but we have a lot in common and I put a lot of emphasis on this when I was in my 20s. Yes there is a bit of shouting and we have disagreements quite a bit (steadily increasing) but deep down we love each other.

I know that what I need to do..put emotional energy into the relationship and prioritise that over everything else, but I just cant seem to do it. Sex is like twice a year. I really want to have a family, but I don't enjoy the sex and its eating me up inside. I think the time has likely passed, and I'm not sure she wants to either. When I discussed it (something Im not great at I admit) the talk went to adopting. Aside from more communication ... anything else?

[Coventry79]

No - I don't think this is a physical issue. I don't think I have anything wrong with me medically - I have a high sex drive, just no real desire to engage with my wife - especially over the past two years. I think its more physiological. I have CBT to work through some of these things and its really helping. I guess the outcome scares me ... we've been growing apart from some time and that I have buried my head in the sand and not addressed the issue. I have used work and everything else in life to distract me from an underlying issue.

As a lot of people have said on this and other threads, I have three decisions. Keep things as they are and try and work on reigniting the deeper emotional connection and hopefully in turn that would lead to a better sex life. 2) open relationship but I dont think I want that and I dont think it will work and 3) leave to pursue other interests.

[0DETTE]

You said you’ve never had a “ passionate relationship “ even in your 20s.

Most couples in their 20s without kids have sex more than twice a year.

You are deluded if you think that’s normal.

If it’s physiological you need medical advice.

Why are you having CBT?

[Coventry79]

Yes I've come to realise that its been somewhat of a delusion. But the lifestyle and the security of being together masked it.

Ive been in CBT because I was falling into episodes of depression and insomnia, so I went to my GP and he referred me. It started to dawn on me that my life was heading in a direction that maybe is what I thought I wanted but deep down wasn't what I was truly feeling. Like I said before, my background meant I have never really been at one with my feelings and I put on a brave face and got on with it. I feel tremendous guilt though thats its me that has realised its not ok and im unhappy

[0DETTE]

You mean you were planning to have kids with your wife but you realised it wasn’t going to work out ? Because your marriage isn’t great and you want different things in life ?

Because if that’s the case I suspect that your wife feels that too. You sound quite detached from each other.

If this were 1950 perhaps you would just stay together for the sake of appearances. But it’s not and although divorce is stressful, distressing and expensive, it’s better than spending the rest of your lives in a tolerable but not happy or fulfilling marriage.

You don’t have children so there’s no one else to consider but yourselves.

[D1nner3D1nner2]

If you both want your own children, you are running out of time

Adoption is also a long process

You need to have a serious conversation with your DW

Secondly, I can't think of anything more boring than doing ironing & shopping at weekends. What do you do for fun together ? When not in lockdown

[Jollymollyx]

I definitely would not have kids together. If this is the state of your marriage now it’s going to get a lot worse after kids. Why have a child with someone who you aren’t really partners with, leave it and wait until you find someone you are excited to grow with.

[Coventry79]

You mean you were planning to have kids with your wife but you realised it wasn’t going to work out? Because your marriage isn’t great and you want different things in life ?
Yes pretty much nail on the head.

If you both want your own children, you are running out of time
Yes I also realise this. And I guess this is what has driven me to the brink .. the realisation that things have to change. We've started having serious conversations... but its amazing how in life you can distract yourself from the real conversations you need to be having.

Fun wise, yes we do have different things we like to do. Me is more sport walking, being outdoors and her dinner, theatre etc. She is more social than me I freely admit. We are both committed to our work so there isin't a shed load of free time.

I prepared to hear harsh words - I know at times I can be selfish. She believes we need to go out more. I try to argue and say that as soon as we have kids that all stops especially in the beginning (as in going to posh restaurants). Am I just saying that because its probably not what I want to do.. likely. And then yes we do want different things from life. She says she does want kids.. but is that because she knows that at the rate we have sex it will never happen and our lives will remain pretty much the same.

[D1nner3D1nner2]

As a man, you could potentially have children until you are 80

Your wife doesn't have that option
She only has a couple of years

That needs to be made clear