How much does your dp do?

[raiderz]

Almost every single argument I have with him is about him not helping me and doing more around the house/ taking responsibilities for the kids.

I have read so many threads on here of partners doing things like cooking, taking the kids out for a swim, day out doing bedtime reading etc and its made me realise that he doesn't do any of these things.

The reason why Ive stayed is because he isn't a bad person. He's fairly easy going, doesn't mind if I haven't cooked anything or if the house is a mess. He doesn't demand anything.

But his lack of involvement with the kids whilst looking on as Im frazzled trying to juggle work, homeschooling and cooking. cleaning etc. I feel he doesn't care about me as he doesn't do anything to help when anyone can clearly see that I'm stressed. Im ashamed to say when things get on top of me and they often are at the moment with everything including a very difficult toddler, I turn into a shit shouty mum. I know if he helped me, I would be a lot less stressed and in turn be more calmer and a 'nicer mum' and not this screaming stressball.

I don't know how to deal with this. Please don't tell me why did I have kids with this man etc. We're not all born into perfect abuse free families who've turned into adults with high self esteem and a strong sense of healthy boundaries.

It's interesting how you're already being defensive before anyone's even replied to you.

Have you had a serious conversation with him about it? If you have and he hasn't changed then he basically isn't going to so it's your choice if that's something you're prepared to put up with or not

What does he say when you ask him to do things/shove a list in his hands?

He basically says he does do stuff and that its me. Im over reacting and i get too stressed. He says yes he does need to do more but then nothing happens. To be honest, im the driving force in most things. Ive sorted our finances out. I put the effort in with the kids with school work, teaching them stuff etc, Im the one who organises trips out, things to do, presents. i do all the house admin. I sometimes think all i need is his money!

Write down all the things you do for a week. Leave out nothing. From ‘put butter back in fridge that DH left at his arse again’ to Made sandwich for dc. Prepare to show him, smugly.

Work out what chores need done too.

Between the two lists of stuff that needs done (not the butter lol, that’s just an example to show him what you do) start writing down all the stuff that needs done on a chart and put it in the fridge or door or somewhere prominent.

Ask DH what he’s done this week and add the one tiny insignificant thing he’s done to the list if it’s a regular thing like Put Bin Out.

Now discuss a fair way of allocating chores and responsibilities.

More than the housework, its his lack of involvement with the kids. he just doesnt do anything with them. He doesnt take them out on his own - very very rarely and thats usual;y after ive gone mad when ive been so fed up. Then he will say. i took the kids out so you could have some time for yourself. Wow, an hour in 6m! Amazing.

Hes never read to them. Never. He doesnt play with them at all. If he has when they were toddlers it would be for ten minutes and then its off- ive got things to do he'd say,

Honestly, I dont know if this lockdown is making me see everything in a negative light or what

Or maybe you're seeing him in his true light.

He does considerably more than me, but that’s because his 3 kids love with us and they make 99% of the mess.

Live, not love.

Oh gosh. I would leave the children with him all day and see how he copes. Or sign up to some event and tell him he has to look after them every Thursday evening for example. It would give you some alone time/a break and he would have no choice but to do dinner/bedtime/cleaning etc.

if i ever leave him with the kids, i would still need to leave some food for them all as he doesn't cook. I can't let my kids starve or have takeaway every week! And then he just gives them a laptop / ipad screen for however long ive gone. Thats his idea of looking after them. he would heat some food and give to kids, load dishwasher / hoover etc.

I don't know if i'm asking for too much .

Also, as soon as i walk in, he hands over the kids and shuts himself in the bedroom. it drives me insane.

Do you ever bring it up as an incidental expectation, "Morning love, did you have a good sleep? I need you to take the kids out from 1-3pm today. Want a cuppa?" ... or is it usually something you don't talk about, wait for him to pull his weight, then you explode after it's built up for a while?

I mean - you probably would be best off leaving him - but if you don't want to do that, I just want to make sure you've got those communication skills in place to try to get a better result from him.

If you tend to explode regularly but rarely, he probably thinks it's worth indulging laziness and just paying the price of an occasional blowup from you. Whereas if you communicate often, clearly, calmly and with obvious expectations, he might shape up?

You're not asking for too much. I don't think you're asking for enough.

He does all the laundry, I do 90% of the cooking. We have a cleaner because we can afford it and are both shit at it and dislike it. We do the bins together.

I do the bottom of the dishwasher and he does the top, that way we're both accountable.

We don't argue about this stuff, but he was close friends with all girls until he was about 20. So he doesn't see us as different unless it comes to lifting garden things for example.

I earn 1/3 of his wage but I'm more highly educated.

If he started treating me as a maid I would leave him.

I'd let him feed them beans on toast a couple of times a week, surely he could manage that? And besides how will he ever learn to cook if you always do it? Anyone's capable of some basic cooking.

What happens if you say, don't bugger off to the bedroom, challenge him on his behaviour?

Mine does loads and loads, almost as much as me. Takes them out on the bikes every night fir 1 hour to get them out, laundry, bedtime. Isn’t great at cleaning ( he a more if a shove in a corner than a put things back type of cleaner but he cracks on. He just sewed all the buttons onto the pjs that had popped off...however...He has to, I made it perfectly clear before I fell pregnant that I would NOT become the main cleaner/childcare because I was female and if that was the case I wouldn’t have his children as I wasn’t fussed either way. Your DH is LAZY. There’s no other work for it. Childcare & housework is long, hard and relentless. You’ve married a lazy fucker, he totally sees it, he just DOESNT CARE. And affliction many men suffer with from what I see. You need to go nuclear and leave the kids with him, accepting he’s going to feed them crap and shove them in front if the tv. You need a break, you really do!

How incredibly damaging for your children to have a dad who doesn't care about them. I'd be considering leaving if i were you.

We all would love to shut ourself in the bedroom...do you say anything? Can you afford a cleaner?

You're not asking to much...
just today my DH took child and dog for a walk first thing while I had a lay in as we have newborn I'm getting up with.
He's been working from home but on his lunch break while I was making lunch he got my DC train track out and played with him.
Carried on with work but has made dinner for us and then done some gardening bits and took DC on a quick bike ride round the block while I tidied up.
Just sat watching some TV and baby has pooed and he'a said he'd do it.
I'd be having a serious discussion and deciding what to do if nothing changes.

DH is awesome. He either cooks or tube feeds the kids every night whilst I do the other one. We both do bath times, medical procedures and bedtimes together. I then sit with kids and DH loads dishwasher, sorts the cat out, hangs up washing, tidies toys away etc.

He takes our big boy swimming every weekend by himself (hard work due to son’s additional needs). I get to get up late Saturday and Sunday as he is an early riser, both boys fed, watered, dressed and playing.

I never feel like things are more my job or my responsibility than his. Our children have a lot of complex needs and I feel absolutely no qualms about leaving him with both of them, he is the only other person in the world who I feel like this about.

I do all the cooking. He brings me a coffee in bed every morning, does all the kitchen stuff - loading and unloading dishwasher, wiping down surfaces, does every other shop, I load and unload the washing machine and put it on the dryer. He folds it and puts it away. Neither of us iron. The rest of the time we just do things when we see they need doing - vacuuming, bathroom - we just clean as we go along. Both do bins. I’ve never really thought about it much. I do weeding, he does mowing. My kids are older so tend to feed themselves (they’re not his) but he helps with homework, plays football with the boy every now and again, drives and collects them from where they need to be. He’s normal. My ex was pretty much the same. You have a lazy shite on your hands. He’s letting you run yourself ragged because he doesn’t care about anybody but himself. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Still doing this?

What was he like pre DC? He sounds awful not making any effort with the kids. He is your kids' first and main role model for being a man. He sounds like a lazy boy.

Please don't tell me why did I have kids with this man etc. We're not all born into perfect abuse free families who've turned into adults with high self esteem and a strong sense of healthy boundaries.

I love that you said that. All the time here, people are so quick to judge and make you feel like it's fault for accepting shit, but sometimes you don't know the shit is on its way till it hits you. And sometimes the alternative to shit is being by yourself.

Anyway, back to your problem. Of course it's crap that he doesn't involve himself with the kids. And it's crap that all the mental load is left to you. They're his kids too. As a single mum I can tell you it's a lot easier being by yourself than with a DH who is like another child and who doesn't pull his weight because he knows that he doesn't have to because you will. It's no way to live.