Emotional Cheating?

[Anon4477]

Hi,

I wanted to get other peoples view and possibly advice on a situation I find myself in.

I have been married 12 years, we have 2 daughters together. Our marriage hasn't been perfect but I we have loved each other very much, though now I'm not sure whether my wife still loves me and she has also told me this.

I have had an unresolved health issue for over a year and a half. This has put a massive strain on our relationship, in the last few months, my wife has changed in her behavior towards me. She blames me for messing up her life and is very angry at me for taking my health worries and frustrations out on her. She has withdrawn from me more and more.

I have noticed her spending a lot more time on her phone recently. A few days ago, she left her Facebook open on my daughters Ipad. I looked at the search bar and noticed the name of a male colleague of my wife's at the top of the list, when I looked in more detail I was quite shocked to see that my wife is looking up this guy obsessively on Facebook - 68 times in one month, up to 8 times a day with an increasing frequency over the course of the month.

I confronted my wife over it. I asked her what was her relationship with this guy, she said he's my work colleague, I said is there any more to it than that? She said no. So I asked her why she has searched him 68 times in a month on Facebook. Her face dropped, she looked guilty and tongue tied. at first she tried to say that she hadn't, I told her she had and that I could prove it, if she wanted to look at her FB together, she said she didn't want to look at it. I told her it was obsessive to look at someone on FB this much and I wanted to know why she was doing it. She then said, it's because he told her that his marriage was breaking up and she became intrigued. I said that if you were intrigued I could understand looking him up a few times, but not this obsessively. She said she is embarrassed that it was that much. I asked her directly if she was having an affair or if she had feelings for this guy, she said no to both. I think I believe her about the affair, but am not sure about the feelings part of it.

I'm interested to hear other peoples view on this and what you would do in my situation

I’m not sure how the technical aspect of that works - does it mean she typed his name into the search bar that many times? Or she clicked on his profile that many times?

If she’s having to search him up specifically it sounds more like a one sided crush, she’s keeping tabs on him (which is not ideal) but that’s not really the type of behaviour you’d expect if they were in a relationship.

She is probably fantasising about a relationship with this guy. It happens with both men and women but doesn't last, reality kicks in eventually. People are generally sensible enough to know that it wouldn't be so good in real life but, in your head, it could go anywhere.

I'm sorry you have been hurt by this but the only solution is for you both to work on your marriage. I hope your health problem is resolving, I know what a strain bad health can put on a marriage.

Good luck, hope it works out.

What steps have you taken to resolve your health issue?

What does you “taking my health worries and frustrations out on her” entail?

Could you try sorting out your own health issue that you say has put a strain on your marriage. Has this meant more work and childcare for your wife if you too ill to do much? Has it impacted on your sex life? Your wife us obviously unhappy. What are you doing to make her feel loved and valued? If she is miserable at home she could be looking into divorce and seeing how her colleague fares. If she was having an affair with colleague they would be texting and emailing each other. Maybe your wife wants an affair with colleague though. You say it is your ongoing problems that have spoilt your marriage and only you can get them sorted.

Thanks for your replies. I still feel uneasy about the situation and still have some things that I want answering. When we spoke about it, she told me it would stop and that if anything changed in regard to this guy, she would tell me. I have always trusted her 100%. Even though we are going through a really tough period, I still love her and don't want to lose her. She is not so sure about our marriage and her love for me, but I believe and hope that deep down she does still love me. Today we have both been making an effort to get along and I feel positive for the first time in a while. Do I leave it at that and see how we get on? Or question her more and possibly make things worse?

Start sorting out your health issue that has been the issue in your marriage. Tell her you are going to make a concerted effort to sort it out, and mean it. If you make her happier she won't want to cheat.

@caringcarer, if op was a woman who said her husband is having an emotional affair, will you tell her the same thing you have told this man?

Your post seems to suggest the woman is right to have an emotional affair, if the husband is having a health issue

There are some health issues you cannot sort out. What if this man has cancer. Apart from attending regular medical appointments, how can he sort it out?

I just feel that there is a gender bias in your post. But then, maybe, I am wrong

If you make her happier she won't want to cheat.

I doubt anyone would dare say this to a woman who had found out her husband was cheating / planning to cheat. Why? Because it's a horrible thing to say and totally victim blaming. Just as it is here. A strange and unkind thing to say!

My wife’s excuse for showing an interest in this guy is to blame me and the way I have treated her during my health issues. I don’t feel she has supported me as well as she could at times throughout the issue, she resents me for this. I have been very frustrated and angry at times due to the situation I find myself in, I have been frustrated and angry at doctors and also my wife. I have said things I shouldn’t have said to her in desperation, frustration and anger, she is very angry at me for this and resents me for it. She feels that my health issues have messed up her and our families life and blames me for that. I have been trying to get help for an undiagnosed problem for over a year and a half, countless trips to doctors, specialists, alternative therapists. I think the main issue with all of the above is that I believe something is seriously wrong with me though doctors so far haven’t found it, but my wife doesn’t believe me, she thinks it’s in my head/down to anxiety and depression etc. She has also used this time of our relationship problems to highlight everything else she doesn’t like about me, things that were going on before all of this. She says I spend/waste too much money – I disagree and think she is tight. She thinks I lose my temper and get angry, shout, slam doors etc. I do, usually when she is moaning at me or picking fault with me. My wife shouts loads, she doesn’t see this. I have tried to tell her she has faults too, she tells me that they are not faults and she is just ‘being herself’ She tells me that is down to me to make changes to save our marriage, not her.

It is just a fact that if a person, of any gender, is happy in their marriage they are less likely to cheat than if they are miserable. I am stating the obvious, nothing sexist about it.

OP you need to have a serious conversation with her and try to explain her behaviour is appalling,she shows zero respect towards you just because you had some health issues. Yes,it's true when someone is not feeling well they can become/behave "bad" but being a spouse is not only on papers. She should've been more understanding and be there for you.
When I read your thread I thought "Father, is that you?!"..why..my father went through the EXACT same thing,now they are divorcing after 30+years.
My "mother's" behaviour was/is exactly like your wife's and she ended up cheating on him through Facebook(messaging,sexting,meeting etc).
Don't be like my father and waste your precious time with someone that is gaslighting you,shouts at you etc..that's not a healthy relationship I'm afraid and no one deserves to be treated the way you are.
If she is not happy in the relationship,set her free but don't allow her to be nasty with you just because of that.
In a relationship it takes two to tango,in other words it is not only your fault that the relationship has some issues,it is her fault as well.
I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do and learn to respect&love yourself more.

Who doesn’t love a bit of Facebook stalking? Doesn’t mean she’s having a affair.
I think it’s normal to have crushes within marriage and harmless as long as they’re not acted on.
As an aside it sounds very strange to me that you could get that information about how many times she searched for him. I wasn’t aware that function was available?

So she thinks your health issues are psychological and numerous doctors have found nothing wrong.

Are you in daily pain? What is going on with you health wise?

Is there a possibility your health issues could be psychosomatic?

I'm putting myself in her shoes herw an questioning how I'd feel about a partner spending lots of money and not getting any answers and taking it out on me. I would be frustrated too. Shes only human after all.

Thank you for all your replies.

We have done a bit of calm talking over the weekend, for the first time in a long time.

I have said some very hurtful things to my wife over the 18+ months of my health struggles. I have been very angry, frustrated, sad, hopeless etc. I have taken this out on my wife at times and said things I shouldn't have said. She has said it's abusive. I don't agree with that but do agree that it's wrong. I have told her I'm deeply sorry, I really haven't been myself and under immense pressure (this is not an excuse). I have told her I want to make it better and that I love her very much. She has a lot of built up anger and resentment towards me for this hurt I have caused her. She tells me she has never felt the way she feels for me now ever before. She is not sure she can ever forgive me.

She has told me it's up to me to look at myself and make the changes in myself.

My worry now is that there is too much damage done and that she will never be able to forgive me and that whatever I do, I am fighting a lost cause and that her mind is made up to leave me.

She tells me that she is being honest with me when she says she doesn't know if she loves me or wants to be married to me anymore, though she says her mind isn't made up yet if she will leave me or not.

I love her and don't want to lose her, but don''t know what I can do to so that she will forgive me and not leave me

I think your marriage is on very thin ice. She is interested in her colleague and if she gets his attention, she'll let you know...hence she said she would let you know if things changed.

Taking our your frustrations and shouting at her over the last 18 months is abusive behaviour, but you refuse to accept that and prefer to minimise.

She's resentful and it doesn't sound like you're in her heart. I'm not saying you drove her to this place (of being interested in another man), but your actions haven't helped. I'm not one to blame a man all the time, as I hate the double standards...but it sounds like your illness has ground everyone down and you've been unpleasant to live with.

In my experience, women struggle to get the love back when they're resentful like this.

You need to take full responsibility for your behaviour towards her without any caveats to it...or that is just like a backhanded apology, which won't go down well.

Would she be open to marriage counselling?

@SandyY2K

I agree with most of what you're saying, though you obviously don't know the whole story and what has been said and done by who.

I am actually quite doubtful she can get her love back for me.

My wife suggested MC around Christmas time, but I refused saying that I need to get my health in order first. I had sunk very low at this time.

I have said to her in the last few days, that I would like to go to MC, she has said that she won't consider it at the moment, but if she sees some positive changes in the next few weeks, she may reconsider.

I want to do everything I can to make this better, but I don't know how to do it

Sending love, I had / have post menopasal depression, no real help for 9 months, grumpy, tearful and unmotivated, luckily live in my own with cat.
I add just as I got over my menopause , 13 years on.
You need to find out what the cause of your health issues are.
Depending on your wife’s age, she may have hormonal issues herself, such as peri menopasal, or menopasal?
Depending on how she feels this guy she msybe fantasied over, over life could have been different

but if she sees some positive changes in the next few weeks, she may reconsider.

I wonder if this is just a tick box exercise.

All I can say is be yourself, because if you start doing things you never did, it will be difficult to sustain and could look fake.

I know undiagnosed health issues are worrying, but try to have a positive approach and be more of a pleasure to be around. That applies to your children as well, engage with them and build or maintain a close relationship with them.

Realise that if her mind is made up, you can't change that, so improve your way of being regardless of whether she stays or leaves. If you're difficult to be around, you'll also find your kids don't want to see you either... and you'll end up feeling pretty lonely.

In her mind your only proposing MC now because you don't want to lose her, but when she suggested it, you didn't agree. I know you've said why, but did you take the time to explain to her why you didn't want to go at that time? If so, did you do it in a pleasant way and not snap at her?

Your refusal to go will have been intepreted as your lack of interest in the marriage and her.

When these things happen, feelings fade and it seems to me that she has emotionally detached from you. It probably hurt her feelings that you didn't want MC then and she's built a protective wall around herself, with you on the other side.

@SandyY2K

Thank you, what you have said makes a lot of sense, which I have been realising myself over the last few days. It's just such a shame that it's had to come this far and make my wife so sad for it to sink in how bad I've been.

Just got to do all I can now to make it better

If shes refusing MC then shes most likely already left your marriage emotionally,absolutely not helped by her fantasising about being with the FB guy,as theres really no excuse for that level of borderline obsessive stalkery. Whatever your problems have been,marriage is supposed to be for better or for worse isnt it ?

If you would like to feel that you are doing something positive for yourself and your relationship with your wife (whether you stay married or not, you will always have a relationship) you could try downloading and reading How To Be An Adult In Relationships by David Richo. It's a bit full-on with Buddhism/mindfullness stuff at times but there is quite a lot in there over and beyond that could be of use to you both now and for the future (and possibly your wife if she would consider reading it even if she's not prepared to go to MC now after you refused to do so before).