Is anyone else in a relationship with a passenger?

[Oyod]

Just musing really. Might not be the right description but it's how it feels.

DH is being made redundant, half his company is due to Coronavirus. He had a consultation meeting and as part of that they basically highlighted that for the last several years, he has been doing pretty much the minimum. He turns up to work, does his job, doesn't go above and beyond in anything except the social committee and goes home again.

This will be the 5th time he has been made redundant since we have been together and yet again I find myself in a position of having to carry the can, drive things along and have my foot up his arse to get him applying for things.

He's the same in all aspects of life - the minimum unless it's something he really wants to do. No drive, no ambition, perfectly happy for all the decisions to be made for him, totally risk averse.

I don't want to leave him, life is better with him than without but god it's tiring.

I just wondered if anyone else is in the same boat?

It sounds exhausting. How many years is the 5 redundancies over?

21 years so we get a few years respite between them at least.

It just means I can never relax and I always make sure we have savings. I earn a fair bit more than him because I feel I have to.

That would really piss me off. Is he the same in your marriage? Does he make minimal effort? What about planning things like DIY or holidays? Does he pull his weight with eg buying kids' presents and family's Christmas presents, etc?

Some things. He’s brilliant at buying presents and puts a lot of thought into it.

DIY and holidays most definitely! He has never booked or planned anything and takes months to get around to DIY. Although to be fair I do enjoy the holiday planning which he knows so I think he’s happy to leave me to it.

He would never have bought a house or anything similar with regards to life plans. He was a lodger when we met and had been for years. I have done all of that.

Yes. That's us. I've just had a big blow up about me doing all the heavy lifting. I made the first call for couples counselling today. I highly doubt anything will change as we've had this row many a time and he promises to make more effort, which dwindles after a short time. I don't think he can be any other way but I'm not sure I can live with this. I also don't really want to divorce him - mainly because I'm worried about being able to afford to run 2 homes.
So over it.
Anyone got any positive outcome stories from counselling?

Ah see, at least your dh is good at buying presents. Mine not so much. Dd1s bday at the weekend, he didn't even know what was inside each gift, no idea what the plan was to make it a special day for her. Mainly because I hadn't told him because I just can't be arsed anymore. It's the same every year. I do all the thinking for everything and have to issue detailed instructions if I want him to do anything, even then it's usually a half arsed job.

Why can't women take the lead in a relationship?

It's not about taking the lead, it's about having an equal partner. I feel I'm the only adult in the house.

Mine’s a bit like that.
I don’t mind the lack of ambition and drive, not everyone wants a big career.

I do mind however his passiveness around the house. What I’ve found to somewhat work is to clearly outsource something to him and leave him to it without checking up or interfering, e.g. ‘your turn to cook dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays’, or ‘please bake this cake [link to recipe] on Sunday’.

I have to tell him what to cook too, or he’ll just ponder for ten minutes then give up.

Same 7worfs I knew he wasn't a career type and that's cool. He has been in the same job since forever and that's fine. I'd rather he did more and earnt more it is what it is and not something I generally get upset about.
But it's the lack of initiative and letting me carry the load that really grates.
I actually did come on mn tonight to ask if anyone had any positive counselling stories, and then saw this thread. Passenger is a good description.

I think some have a tendency to let the women wear the trousers and that’s fine but to this extend would frustrate me big time. My partner still talks about what he would like us to do and buys me flowers, compliments me ect but i do most planning. Have you tried giving him direction ?

It's not about taking the lead, it's about having an equal partner. I feel I'm the only adult in the house.

Absolutely this. In so many ways it can feel like a parent/child relationship. And yes to carrying the load.

I have thought about counselling but feel I would be fundamentally trying to change who he is so it would never work. I knew who he was when we got together, he’s just become worse over the years. Amplified.

@7Worfs, I understand all of that. Under normal circumstances I work away a lot. A couple of days a week at least. He will cook something for the kids about once a month, the rest of the time it’s eating out or takeaways. I get really pissed off with that.

Direction - yes. I even tell him what kind of mushrooms to buy when he does the shopping.

oyod I do feel the same - this is who he always was but amplified and honestly I don't think counselling will fundamentally change things between us - as you say, I can't change who he is. But I do feel that we have something worth trying to save. Maybe counselling will help him see it differently? We can all do things that are not our natural style when we need/want to.
I arranged the counselling this week and he phoned to do his phone assessment today. He's looking quite upset and shocked. Good. I want him to understand I'm serious. I'm not just having a tantrum for things to go back to the way they were.

The risk you are potentially facing is that as he gets older he will become unemployable if he keeps losing jobs. I have seen this happen in my own family when people are in their mid-late 40s.

Post COVID he will have a really tough time.

Quite a lot is “studied incompetence” - deliberately lazy and inept so that you swoop in and take over.

I would call him out on his standards and have clear expectations that you want an equal RS and consequences if he doesn’t step up.

These situations get worse for women as you carry an increasing load thru menopause and beyond.

I am officially but we are separated.
I was just exhausted with having another child to think about.
It's hard now too but hoping things get better

@WLmum, I'd be very interested to hear how the counselling goes, whether or not it's worth us considering.

@Gutterton, I know and he's 52. He kept this one for 8 years (there are usually a good few years between them) but he wasn't against such competition in a pandemic before, which is something he just isn't facing.

We had a very firm conversation last night, which is rare. I spend a lot of time pussyfooting around so as not to hurt his feelings.

He knows now exactly how angry and disappointed I am, and no, I can't just leave it all to trust. I need to know he has a plan seeing as I'm the one who will be left trying to hold everything together financially and I need to know what that plan is.

I feel like a bit of a controlling arse to be honest but he will just bumble along until he's kicked out left to his own devices and pretend it's not happening. We don't have the luxury of that.

Similar situation but same dynamic.

He's not ambitious - that I've always know, but he's conveyed it that its about balancing work and life. Which was fine. Except he's positively horizontal about non-work stuff as well. I now see it as laziness tbh, not being bothered about literally anything.

Taking the lead in a relationship is one thing. But the other person, the non-leader, still has to do....stuff, probably earn some money, have some input with the DC, do some housework. And if they wont, you end up doing it all, and what's the point of them being there?! You're not sharing a life with a partner, but straying into cocklodger territory.

This was one of the main reasons I ended my marriage. Tbh I think it’s one of the most important compatibility issues - more than tastes or lifestyle.

When one person - and let’s be honest it’s usually the woman - is pulling 75% of the weight, resentment just builds up over and it will eat away at you.

You are describing my husband, with regards to how he is at home (but fortunately my dh works hard at work). Around the house my DH acts as if he is a child. He organises nothing, does the minimum (only what I tell him to do), takes no initiative. He basically acts as if he's living with his Mum, and the house is not his own.

I'm not sure I could take it if he was like that at work as well though.

We argue regularly about his attitude.

I bet your DH had a controlling mum who organised his life for him? I know that my MIL did not even let my DH ever disagree with her, or even have opinions that weren't hers. Now he does not know now what he wants and can't make decisions. He just goes along with what I say. It's annoying when you want an equal partnership.

Oh and my DH does not even know how to access his bank account. Despite my nagging, he has never bothered to organise logging onto it online. Never looks at it. He leaves ALL money issues to me.

This is not lack if ambition Op. Some people dont want responsibility/advancement etc, but work hard and do their job very well. As a manager these people are very valuable. However some people are just shirkers. Again as a manager these people are easy to spot and generally can be tolerated because it's too hard to sack them.

The down side is that these people generally get the lowest pay rise possible, minimal bonus (if bonuses are included) and in general little or no interest from management in supporting their career. Then in times like this, they are the first out of the door.
As pp have said these people find employment harder and harder to come by as they get older.

Yep. It's sheer laziness.

This is not lack if ambition Op. Some people dont want responsibility/advancement etc, but work hard and do their job very well. As a manager these people are very valuable. However some people are just shirkers.

Very true, especially when replicated at home. They are selfish, lazy and not team players.

Worth projecting forward about how you will be carrying him financially and domestically in the future. Have you plans to scale back work? Move house etc? Will his behaviours sabotage your plans? What if you became ill? Would he care for you?

@DrMorbius I agree with your post 100%.

I have been on both the receiving end of consultations and the one doing the consulting and those that add value, even the plodders are not the ones that are let go. I have told him that and last night really made my point hit home.

He hates me today but he has done plenty of work to find something else.

@Gutterton, he is lazy yes but I wouldn’t say selfish. He pulls his weight with the housework, the routine stuff at least and I do believe he would care for me if ill.

Unfortunately we have not long since moved house with a bigger mortgage so has well and truly shot us in the fucking foot. I can pay everything from my salary as I’m the higher earner and have plans to earn more but there is a resentment there that actually, I shouldn’t have to and we’d better hope nothing happens to my job.