Wtf do I do!

[ffff921]

Dh and I have been together for 6 years with 2 DC.

He is not the man I met, he can still be a great man when he wants to be but it is rare!

Here is my dilemma... I don't want to end the relationship because 1 I still love him 2 the kids and I would have very little as I am a SAHM and 3 I don't want to lose time with my DC so they can spend time with him! This is selfish of me but also its because I would not be able to monitor the contact!

I am so sick of asking him not to swear in front of our 4 year old, it is every day! He also shouts at DC when DC is naughty but takes it over the top when he does 5% of their care !

I don't want to break our DC heart, last time I told him to leave DC constantly asked for him until I told him to come back 🤦🏻‍♀️

I also don't want to be blamed for them growing up in a 'broken home' or without their dad around

Wtf am I supposed to do ☹️

You realise that there's a lot worse than growing up in a 'broken home' like growing up with a father that shouts at you and an unhappy mother.

You find out what benefits you will be entitled to and you make a plan.

He sounds awful and you and your children deserve better.

Growing up in a home like yours is the broken one. You need to face reality and do what you need to do.

@moonsnake Yes exactly and thats part of the problem, a judge won't stop him seeing his kids because I say he shouts and swears! At least now DC see's me telling him not to swear and shout and has me around to stick up for them and comfort 😩

You are role modelling a terrible example of a marriage to your DC. They will grow up thinking this is normal, and will shout and swear at their own DC, perpetuating the cycle.
If your DH cannot control his anger then he shouldn’t be in charge of children.
You need to consider your options. Either to leave your husband, or to see whether he would be willing to attend anger management and individual counselling.
If he shouts and swears at you as well, this is partner abuse, and would mean that couples counselling was completely contraindicated. He should sort out his issues alone.

Yeah, I understand you dont want to deal with other people thinking badly of you, or with being lonely etc - but if you allow your kids to live in a home like that, you're spitting in their faces tbh.

You're going to need to put them first here. Its not easy but that's the way parenting is.

Children don't like change and they will be sad, but again, you're the parent. Children's emotions are temporary but they carry the home they grew up in around with them for the rest of their lives.

I grew up with my parents constantly arguing and I really did not want this for my children

Why do people have to change 😥 this is not fair

Thanks all will have to sort something once lock down ends!

He takes care of the children 5% of the time now and when he does he loses his rag at them, oh and you are a SAHM. How much time do you think he is going to spend with them post-divorce?

You are doing the classic abuse enabler parenting. He is vile to the children, you tell him to not be vile, he continues being vile. You say you can't leave him because that would make it possible for him to be vile to the children.

Yeah, a judge won't stop him seeing the children. A judge won't have to. He will do that himself seeing as he doesn't like them. Even if you force the children to live in angry toxic household until adulthood they'll work out he doesn't care about them. There is no option where your children grow up in a happy two parent family. You can either give them a happy one parent family or a miserable two parent family.

In the miserable two parent family they will grow up knowing daddy can be abusive and mummy allows it. They hear you tell him to stop they don't see you make him stop. The words are meaningless. They feel you comfort them now but before long they'll not feel comforted by you because you are keeping them in the situation. They'll notice that you chose not to save them.

Looking back I'll bet there were red flags from the start.

Your right a judge won't stop him.

From my experience and others I've seen usually one of two things happen with men like this. They either don't bother to see their kids or they see them every other weekend and become a Disney dad. Even though he would have sole responsibility for a couple of days, it's not the same as living with kids and with large breaks to miss them.

Also if they were to tell you he was shouting and swearing post separation how likely is he to take you to court if you stop visitation?

You and him being together isn't protecting them.

*you're right

Yeah my first thought too was that he might - fingers crossed - be a pretty absent father.

If so you won't have to worry about contact - dies he gave family who'll push for it?

If money was no object op how quickly would you be out of there?

I really wish people would stop using the term "broken home". It's such a nasty phrase and it only serves to guilt women into staying in toxic relationships and modelling unhealthy relationships to their children.

I wish my parents had split up before I was 18. They told me they waited until then "for me" which made me feel guilty and angry as I had been so unhappy living in a constantly tense atmosphere and learning that relationships are all shit so you just stay together no matter what.

So don't ever tell your little one that he persuaded you to take his dad back. You made an adult decision and no accountability for it should be on his shoulders. I know you didn't mean it in a negative way but it's something to think about.

Has taken me until 33 to realise that's not true and finally be in a healthy relationship after years of counselling!

As PP said, what's happening now is much worse than coparenting healthily while separated.

You need to start planning and looking into how finances etc would work.

Does he know how you feel? What prompted the change in him, do you think? Had he really changed, or have your views on his fitness as a partner changed since you had the responsibility of children?

@moonsnake

I just need to put a few things straight! My DC is not constantly naughty so he does not shout at them all the time but when they are naughty he takes it a step to far and shouts even after they know they have done something wrong and I personally don't see this as justified as he does not have any 'care' over them he is the fun parent that just plays with them and gives them cuddles etc...

He loves the DC very much and would never stand for no contact! I want him to have contact with them he is a great dad when he is happy but I am so SICK of the constant swearing and then we argue in front of the DC because I tell him to stop!

@YukoandHiro Things started to chance over the last year and with lockdown it has obviously just become 100x worse!

He has ASD and mental health which has not been a problem in our relationship so I don't see why I should have to put the blame on to that!

He could probably do with some help as a previous posted mentioned but he had a SHIT up bringing and would never go for help!