Offered a refuge place

[butterfly190]

Hi
This has all happened quite quick and I'm a bit lost. Have been offered a refuge place am going there tomorrow.

I feel a massive sense of guilt, relief and a sense of the unknown.

Can anyone help? I have a few questions-:

Do I need to stay there every night? I'd rather not take my child there as they may tell their father where I am and his abuse can continue - we have a child arrangements order - he won't hurt me whilst I have my child.

What things do I need to take with me?
What happens to the home I'm currently in?

I can't believe it's come to this - I'm so overwhelmed

Thank you to anyone that can help

Stuff to take:

Identification and important papers (e.g. birth certificates, passports, benefit books, bank account details, medical cards, court orders, marriage certificate)
Money
Phone numbers – emergency and personal
Spare set of house and car keys
Medicines and toiletries
Clothes for a few days
A few of your children’s favourite toys
Proof of the abuse (e.g. notes, photos, crime reference numbers, diary, taped messages, emails, texts)

What happens to your child if you don't take them?

A refuge is somewhere you go to escape abuse. There are specialist support staff there who can offer advice and answer any questions you have.

It's a safe space with a hidden address so that your abuser cannot find you.

It's not a hostel or hotel in that you don't just sleep there, it's usually short term temporary accommodation until you get something longer term arranged.

If you don't take your child with you, where will your child go? And if he's dangerous enough that you need to be in a refuge why are you so sure he won't hurt your child?

Personally I wouldn't leave my kid with someone who hurt me. I see on here 'oh but he's a wonderful father'. Every single man who abuses his wife or partner is A SHIT FATHER. NO CAVEATS.

We have shared care of our child. I'm under a court order so have to follow it - I can't take our child or I'm breaking the order - they've decided he's fit enough to be a parent as he has "only" abused me

Do I like it? No but going against the court order is only going to play into his hands more.
And he will pump our child for information as to where I am / what it looks like / where it is / what we drove past etc

What have the refuge said about taking your child. I would take your child and apply for an emergency court order saying you are no long able to enable shared care as you were in such severe risk you needed to go to a refuge.

I would take your child and apply for an emergency court order saying you are no long able to enable shared care as you were in such severe risk you needed to go to a refuge.

This

Yes, as above - speak to the refuge about what to do regarding shared care, they'll be best placed to advise you and support you with the legal aspect.

She's with him at the moment so I'm going there on my own - I'll be sure to speak to them about it once I'm there.

I feel like I'm panicking and not even sure of myself / if I'm doing the right thing etc but I can't keep allowing him to do these things to me. It's gradually getting worse and I can't cope anymore

I've gathered paperwork & packed a bag - they're aware we share custody so have packed a few bits for our child too - incase they say for us both to be there

OP you sound overwhelmed and I'm not surprised. My heart goes out to you packing things alone not knowing what's going to happen after suffering appalling abuse.

Stay strong. Stay brave. Hopefully the support workers will give you some advice. In the meantime, be safe. Come back here if you need further advice.

If you don't take your child you may find you lose custody. And losing custody to an abuser has to be the worst thing ever. How he got his court order I'll never know - but bear in mind he's manipulative and dishonest and if you give him anything it won't help you I'd make him behave like a human being.

Please don't leave your child. Stay with your child or take the child. Don't go without the child. Child arrangement order or not if you fear for your safety take advice. Don't do anything without asking your solicitor.

I don't have her - she's with her dad this week.
I'm going there tomorrow so I'll speak to them and show them the court order etc and see what they say.
He's already manipulated the situation via courts, my solicitor has sent an email reminding him we are suppose to be co-parenting & do the right / best thing by our child.
Also been warned to stay away from me / my home however the court order allows him to come to my home so things are going to have to be changed or amended but if I breach the order that's exactly what he wants and he'll then go for full custody - he's already outlined it in messages threatening me with police / social services

Oh sweet heart. That sounds so awful. Hopefully you will be safe in the refuge soon. It seems unlikely that he would be awarded full custody because you went into a refuge and took your daughter. He is breaking the order as your solicitor has pointed out.

You should be able to access proper help now you are going to the refuge and will be able to get legal advice.

It sounds like you already don't live with him so I'm not sure how a refuge will help. They are usually for women fleeing an abuser they live with until they can find their own place. However it does sound like you need legal advice to help you obtain an order to keep him the fuck away from you. The refuge might be able to direct you to that. I hope you can get what you need.

I've just read that back and it didn't come out quite right. I'm absolutely not suggesting you shouldn't take the refuge place if that is what you need. I'm just trying to understand if that will actually solve the issue. I hope you get whatever help you need.

I agree with @eurochick. Why are you fleeing your home when he doesn’t live there. If you have shared care of your child he’ll always find out where you live. I don’t think your answer is a refuge. You need protective court orders by the sounds of it. I’m sorry you’re going through this

I've fled my home because he has been coming to my house banging on the door attempting to get in and attack me when I send my daughter out to him.
I've tried to get an injunction and they said there was no reasonable cause.
Police said they couldn't prove anything I had told them so they couldn't help.

The refuge have said he is emotional abusing me and coercive control. They have said they're getting a solicitor to speak to me about the court order etc and they are going to deal with the local authority as to why they have not adequately housed me since his abuse has been made aware to them. They want to get me moved houses so he doesn't know my address - but my local authority didn't want to know - they've said to stay here short term so they can deal with them and sort out a move of home for me; whilst trying to get an injunction against him / change the court order so he doesn't come near my home

So pleased you are getting support from the refuge. Hopefully you the fact that you are there means the courts will take you seriously.

I would ring women's aid for advice. Also rights of women are brilliant. The refuge will know more too, and refer you further if they need to. Do you have an IDVA or anything?

No they haven't put anything in place yet - I turned up and competed the paperwork but I was in a bit of a state so they said they'd finish everything tomorrow and do risk assessments etc

I just want to be at home, in my bed and be safe with him leaving me alone

You can have an IDVA without ever being in a refuse, they help in the community and often are the people who get people into refuge. Did you do it through women's aid?

No I did it through the national domestic violence helpline / a different local authority to my own referred me to the refuge