Why do some people get loads of OLD dates and others (ie me!) don’t?

[BrandyTrap]

Just that really. I have a friend who was old for about two years, and I’ve lost track of how many dates she went on (so has she!) She went on at least one date a week, but usually more.

I signed up to OLD earlier this year for about 12 weeks or so - I’ve stopped now as doesn’t seem much point during lockdown. I did get quite a lot of interest but only about 5 dates (and no second ones, which was my choice).

So how do you convert supposed interest to dates? Friend says she’s not sure - she’s met someone now which I’m very pleased for her about.

Are you too serious when you chit chat ? I have a friend like this and it’s just a little too heavy for when you first meet someone .
Those who are more of a giggle seem to get more dates initially .
Or maybe you just click with the wrong guys ?!!
Could be a million different reasons ?

Easy really: Ask them.

You talk to them once and if all goes well, you ask them for a date (either at the end of that chat, or the second chat you have with them).

If they change the topic or the date doesnt seem to materialise, stop talking to them because they are only online to chat to stroke their ego.

I wouldn't online date atm though. Not till lockdown is over. Because right now you cant meet. So you cant find out if they are time wasters or not.

Chat for a few days and if you get on ask them to meet you for a coffee or one drink or a walk etc.

5 dates in 12 weeks isn’t bad at all thou really. My bf was only the 2nd person I met on old. Why are you not seeing the ones you meet a second time

I used to get lots of OLDs. You're probably not getting them if:

• your pictures are bad (including the setting of the picture)
• your profile is bad (though depending on the site, many barely read it)
• you're on a site that's not right for you. Some sites attract certain types of men (and women).

But 5 dates in 12 weeks is alright. A lot of guys just wanted pen pals - they'd message for weeks and ignore suggestions of meeting up. Presumably had other women who were further along.

But why are you not going for second dates? Are they the wrong type of men? See my points above - sometimes between the site and your profile, the men you get are not your type.

I always did OK Cupid where lots of men pride themselves on their blurb demonstrating their aptitude for semicolons and listing their favourite authors, etc. My mate did Tinder and POF as she liked her men less into existential literature and the pseudo-science of the compatibility tests. And the wankery. So many guys on OKC were into vintage stuff and travel and probably claimed to be a 'gin aficionado' (but would order Bombay Sapphire in a gin bar with 48 gins). (Despite my mocking, I did have at least 1 really decent relationship from OKC).

@BrandyTrap i had about 8 dates in a year but then fell into a FWB situation. My best friend had about 3 dates a week for several years! She went into it very hard as she had never had a long term relationship plus no kids etc.

I think it's a numbers game and if you have the time, just go on as many dates as you can (post lockdown). Just meet for a wak even. It doesn't sound like it's your pictures. Are you someone who gets too heavy too soon? Are your expectations very high? I know for me, I had nice dates but I felt like I was going through the motions and no one really rung my bell so to speak.

I didn't go on that many dates when I was OLD as I have kids and limited free time so was quite picky about who I went on dates with. Most led to at least 2nd dates though as I'd been so selective at the start.

I don't necessarily think number of dates = finding someone special sooner.

Thank you for all the replies and the advice.

I’m not too heavy at all, perhaps the opposite. I am guilty of not ever doing the asking myself though, no real reason why not. Maybe when lockdown is over I’ll give it another try and be more proactive.

Thanks again :)

Definitely keep at it I did OLD for a couple of years and again briefly after a 4 year relationship.
I think online dating is great and it certainly helped me to find myself again after a dreadful marriage break up. I probably went on one date a week sometimes 2. A lot of first dates but it was really nice to get out and I met some lovely people. After a couple of conversations I'd suggest a low key cup of tea in the daytime somewhere familiar. Talking online is ok but investing to much time in it became emotive after a while. It's far better to meet someone, you know if there's a spark within 1/2 an hour. As someone said just ask....it seems perhaps that maybe ladies prefer the guy to ask first but I think its refreshing if the ladies ask.
Towards the end of my last internet date the lady asked if she could have a second date..
Nearly 5 years later we're very happy together.

That’s lovely Raid, I’m glad you got a happy ending

Yeh you definately gotta start doing the asking. I once had 3 first dates in 4 days xD only one I liked lived too far away for anything solid though :(

Couldn't do that anymore though. Far too much work haha. But if a guy hasn't asked me by talk number 2, I ask him. Lifes too short to talk online with someone you may not have a spark with in person.

Very true Wanderlust.

The whole process is frustrating though. Similar to lots of people, the ones I like didn’t like me back or lived too far away (despite setting distance limits). The ones who liked me I didn’t like. Same old I guess.

I’ll attack with renewed vigour after lockdown!

Yeh it chips away at you. You wouldn't think it would be so hard to find a person who we like, who likes us back! (And in my case, who is also sane haha). Hopefully we'll get there some day!

It really does chip away at you Wander - even if you get a lot of interest. So difficult to translate interest into a relationship for all sorts of reasons. Good luck to you.

Definately. I can never seem to change dating into a relationship. If someone bottled a 'how too' on that they'd make a fortune!

I used to attract narcissists something awful though so that was probably part of the problem...still do but I can spot them now at least. But even that is exhausting lol. Like, where are all the nice people?

I’ve only once managed to translate dating into an actual relationship, despite going on hundreds of dates over the years. Most men I just didn’t feel a spark with. Some were very odd. A few lied about being in a relationship with me to get me into bed, after dating for months. It’s been a depressing experience.

I gave it up just before Xmas. Too many dates leading nowhere, too many shallow people that always seem to have their eyes on the next date.
I never struggled to get dates tho, but I'd ask after a couple days texting, didn't want pen pals and I didn't want extended texting the being disappointed in meetup.

I met DH through OLD (tinder actually).

I was really crap at it. I got few matches and even fewer became chats of any description. I had dates with a grand total of 3 people (the first two were horrible dates, the third was DH). I’d try widening my search area and it’d make no difference to the general lack of interest in me. I’d widen the age range (and then narrow it because I realized that I didn’t want a big age gap so any additional matches were pointless).

But I did meet DH. He’d just started and we matched. I actually wasn’t going to swipe right on him because I was demoralized and decided that he was really good looking so there’s no way we’d match. But we did and it all worked out.

So, even if you don’t feel like you’re getting success on the numbers front (I really, really wasn’t), you can still meet someone great.

Think if I start dating again I'll be sleeping with them early on (if I really fancy them). Nothing worse than getting to the point a few months down the line where you really like them and make the mistake of thinking sleeping with them is somehow cealing it into a relationship.

Gonna treat it as fun and if it goes somewhere from there, good.

All making them wait does in my experience is weed out the more determined game players.

to be fair, I don't think you should compare yourself to other people, they will have different attitudes and expectations.
Potentially you could get more dates, but maybe you wouldn't want to date those ppl in the first place

Ive not struggled to get dates as I find most men are happy to meet. What ive found hard is keeping their interest after the first few dates, it never progresses anyway and they always finish we with me. Ive tried being lighthearted, ive tried being more serious but I end up disappointed. Im starting to think its me, but I do know a lot of guys are just flakes looking for the next best thing.