Tell me what caused you to break it off with your ex

[LovelyO]

Tell me what caused you to break it off with your ex, how long you had been together and his redeeming features (that made you stay as long as you did)

Would be interesting to see the two sides of the coin as it were.

Recent ex spent too much time talking about his ex and never showed any interest in me unless I was cooking him food or giving him sex. He was uncaring and emotionally unavailable.

Past ex I broke up with because he became really boring and never seemed to be able to give me any sort of interesting opinion on anything. Also blamed me for it by saying I wasn't giving him enough sex and that was why he'd turned boring. I said to him I didn't want to have sex with a boring person so we reached stalemate on that one.

Other exes i've broken up with for cheating on me or being abusive and stalking. Looking back i'm not sure many of them had any redeeming features. I must have a faulty picker! - never again - staying single now.

Ex-H - 15 years. He cheated - deal breaker for me.
Ex-P - 6 years. Porn addict, liar, cheat, narcissist!

I'm now staying very happily single!

Last ex before I met my husband:

Nice bloke and good fun but was a massive man baby really, had been told constantly by his mother that he was amazing and the best and he really believed the hype, thought he deserved things just because he wanted them.

Had a massive tantrum when he didn't get a 2.1 for his degree, despite having done barely any work for the whole 3 years. Thought he should have had a 2.1 or 1st because "they know how intelligent I am really" and "it's not my fault I don't like reading". (It was an English Literature degree.)

Left uni and went straight back to his home town to be pampered by mummy, but sulked and stropped that I wouldn't come and visit him every weekend. (I had a bar job and worked weekends as I had rent to pay!) Expected me to always visit him and fork out train fares and buy all our drinks and meals "because you're working". Seemed to forget I existed in between visits.

He decided not to look for work because he wad going to be a famous rock star and needed all day to practice his guitar. But moaned and griped at having no money.

When I told him it was over and I'd met someone else his parting shot was "when I'm famous you'll see me on TV and wish you were still with me." (He isn't and I don't.)

I still know him slightly through mutual uni friends. When he and his wife were expecting their child his parents were apparently concerned that he needed to finally grow up and step up. They gave him money for driving lessons so he would be able to drive his labouring wife to hospital etc. He spent it on singing lessons to hone his rock star voice.

Strangely I've never doubted my decision.

Main reasons for breaking up with anyone is either me or the guy realising that we didn't care for each other as much as we once did, or one side wanting more than the other. No one ever cheated on me or got nasty or what have you. Just a cooling of feelings which inevitably led to less contact and less engagement when together. One guy in particular I thought should have been more honest as he let me plan trips etc knowing he didn't really want to continue, but that's it.

Man here. Ex GF 6 years.

She failed to emotionally mature and had a high insecurity complex and was convinced everyone thought she wasn't good enough, requiring constant reassurance which became draining over the years.

In the end she stopped coming to family events and used to make me feel guilty for going without her, with me always having to make excuses why she hadn't come along. She was an Olympic gold medalist sulker.

She had a strop on the Saturday morning of a long time arranged boys night out (in) claiming I was putting my friends before her and I just couldn't take any more of her trying to control and emotionally blackmail me, so I packed my things there and then and walked out, never to return. It was absolutely the very last straw.

Shame, as I loved her and the sex was, on reflection, magnificent -although I didn't realise it at the time.

I'm finding quite a few of these inappropriately funny.

the sex was, on reflection, magnificent

That was one of the lines that made me laugh.

I've.heard men say that the unsecure, unstable women they were involved with were great in bed.

I think it must be the equivalent of bad boys.

There's something about the craziness that makes sex exciting (but unfortunately makes a good stable relationship unlikely).

6 years. Ended a few weeks ago.

I'd forgiven him for infidelity, supported him through a huge amount of stuff (serious illness, job losses, bereavements, child access disputes, and so on). Then a few weeks ago we had an argument, he poked me. Because he could.

I tried to explain why this upset me and why I needed him to understand this and apologise.

He won't and accused me of ending our relationship over 'ridiculous feminist principles'.

He was my best friend, the person who can always make me laugh. He's brought loads of positive things to my life. I didn't need anyone else when I was with him. He's really clever, and like me has a cynical view of the world. The first time I met him I literally jumped up and down because I couldn't believe how handsome he was. I thought we'd be together the rest of our lives.

Turns out I was wrong.

claiming I was putting my friends before her

This leads me to post my ex story ... He kept trying to get me to agree that we shouldn't socialise separately, and viewed separate socialising (or a short break with friends for example) as inappropriate and lack of commitment etc.
If you went out without your partner, or went on a short break, it was unfair.

It wasn't me - if it was one of my sisters he'd been involved with, it would have been fine, but not me.

I got sick of the repeated stress and arguments around separate socialising, there was even anticipatory stress even planning things/accepting invites.

There were also comments about what I wore, who I spoke to, what house parties were "like" because I went to one without him once (with a pile of couples and some single women, one if whom I spent most if the night counselling).

I just couldn't be arsed with it after a while.

Redeeming features;

• A really devoted (tragically widowed) dad
• Kind in some ways
• Easygoing in some ways
• made me feel like he was my biggest fan/supporter in the earlier days; that changed.
• can do attitude.

I'd forgiven him for infidelity, supported him through a huge amount of stuff (serious illness, job losses, bereavements, child access disputes, and so on)

The other stuff is one thing - the infidelity .. nah.

I take it this was a sort of aggressive poke/jab.

Not aggressive as such, not done with force, it didn't hurt. But I've been in a DV relationship before (which he knows) and I am probably more sensitive than some people would be without that background. I didn't end it because of what he did, but because he couldn't acknowledge that in doing it he'd upset me and was wrong, and should apologise.

I ended it with my ex over, I kid you not, having too many shower gels in the shower 🙄🤣🤣🤣
But previous to this he had been controlling and abusive, I just couldn't see it at the time and it kept building up.
It was the last straw basically, the way he said it , the anger and clenched jaw, I never wanted to see that again.
The funny thing is, he used to love using my expensive body washes!

Various exs:
Pushed me around
Told me he had testicular cancer (he didn't)
Became addicted to steroids
Controlling
Cheated on me with his boss
No sex
Steroid addiction
Financial unstable.
I cant think of any reasons why I stayed in any relationship.
I had a ten year marriage, a four year relationship and a two year relationship. Also had various flings over the years.

I realised he bored me.

Together 10 years. First love. Kind man, good with animals. Gentle outside the bedroom. Never shouted. Could hold an interesting conversation. I loved the way he held a book, he had beautiful hands. Charismatic. Dependable in a crisis, always felt like he was on my side. I could be myself 100% with him, never had to censor my weirdness. Avoided triggering my trauma. I adored him. Would give anything to have the man I thought he was.

Unfortunately he was also a habitual liar and porn addict. Still is, i assume.

Emotionally abusive narcissism, together 12 years..
I started sticking up for myself in the latter years, which caused his behaviour to become worse.
Then on our anniversary he gave me a card he'd bought by accident, signed 'from your loved one', which really summed him up.
The following day, he spent 30 minutes swearing and accusing me of stuff i hadn't done while we were driving home. I got out of the car, shut the door and never spoke to him again..
This was last year, and he found a new supply within 6 months.

Redeeming features? honestly none, as i believe he just mirrored..

She was a serial cheat, cheated on every man she'd been with. I thought when I met her at 47 perhaps she wanted something more settled and uniform in her life...how wrong was I! I did so much for her, supporting her children. Fixing everything around her house and garden. Sharing my family occasions with her! We had a lovely holiday and on our return she said its not working for me. Little did I know she'd already embarked on a fling with a new guy at work. When it finished she begged for a reconciliation. I tried but by that time the trust and intimacy had gone for me. Lost all confidence in her. And I genuinely feel sorry for the next guy on the conveyor belt.

@honeylulu haha that was a funny one. The don’t like reading yet doing a literature degree and the singing lessons instead of driving lessons.. haha how absurd

Our DD came out of hospital after 2 life threatening surgeries and a course of dialysis, he went out that night to a strip club to celebrate his 30th.

Believe it or not I didn't leave then because I wanted us to be a family unit and also I was scared of going it alone without his financial and practical contributions. He had told me he would kill himself if we split up and he would make sure everyone knew it was my fault. He could also be charming and make me feel amazing.

It was him pushing the sexual boundaries way too far when he was drunk which made me walk out and never go back. I'm not going to go into details but I ended up fairly badly hurt.

He was an arsehole about custody etc when I left but I have no regrets. I never realised how abusive he truly was until later.

I lost all respect for him. And after years of me supporting him, when I needed his help - turns out he didn’t have my back. To be fair, we are still friends and recently he did step up to support me. Too little too late.

Really interesting conversations, good in bed, generous with buying me unexpected presents - all v good.

However, increasingly critical about things that can't be changed, like my accent, or the way I express myself. As I said at the time, why should I try to change these things, they are who I am.

What made me walk away though was the constant nose, eye and ear picking and eating it. I daren't look at him sometimes when we were out because i knew where his fingers would be.

5-6 months in I found out that I was the OW. When I wanted to break up he said he chose me and would break up with his girlfriend. He then vanished off the earth for two weeks and then called me to come over for the weekend for a shag. I asked if he had broken up but he hadn't because it was complicated and she was sick and I should be understanding of the situation. I'm not sure what names I called him but I did make it very clear that it was over.

Lots of really interesting responses so far

What hunnybears said. Third child

His majiuana habit. Mood swings. Laziness. Blame. Anger. Sarcasm.

4 years of which 3 were bad.

I stayed because his act of bringing me coffee in bed.

I got a coffee machine Next to my bed. Job done. Waster told to F off

@LovelyO I stayed because he had nobody else in his life (apart from his DS) not close to family, very few (if any) real friends. Don't get me wrong, I was fond of him, but had never found him attractive, and his personality traits made him even more unattractive.

I didn't have to worry too much about his 'solitary confinement' when I finished it, as within 6 months he got into a very established relationship.

Ultimately, we weren't a good 'fit' and obviously his new beau is. I'm miffed he's found love and I haven't (I know it's selfish) I put his needs before mine, that's my fault entirely.