Abusive Ex Invading my home via xbox

[tenstorey]

To cut a long story short I left my ex around four years ago because of coercive abuse which then resulted in actual physical abuse from which I could not come back from. My children thank god never witnessed any of this and they love their dad. I have never told our children why I left, I have kept this to myself as I feel it would only cause more damage. However I am struggling as my teenage boys play online with their dad every night I hardly see them. I have to sit downstairs alone whilst the laugh and joke. It breaks my heart.

If they are teenagers they are probably old enough for you to tell them you miss them and would like to spend fun time with them too. Try and find an activity only you can do with them.

I have tried that but he's fun dad! buys all the latest xbox games even though he pays no child maintenance because he's on sick pay due to ill health. He's very manipulative and I thought ending our relationship would stop that.

I think you need to be honest with your children.
You think they didn't see but Children see everything.

I think you need to tell them that he doesn't contribute financially otherwise they will continue to think he's being generous. I don't think you'll have much luck getting them off the Xbox during lockdown though 🤔

I know you are right @mypoorfurbaby they may have picked up on some of it but not the worst. I lost my rag tonight and took the headset of my son an confronted their dad about the invasion of privacy. I spoke to my youngest about how I would like to spend more time with him and we are now watching a movie. I need to be to be more proactive and not passive I know.

How old are they ?

@converseandjeans I've tried that but they just defend him as he is so hard done by he spins such a sorry tale.

@LovingLola 14 and 17

On a practical note, you could turn off your router so they can't communicate with their dad so much. They can still play their games offline... just a thought.

Sorry you're going through this though

tenstorey that's a shame. He obviously just wants the fun part that doesn't involve any money or hard work. The film sounds good - well done 👍

You control the router, tell them that between x and y time is family time and switch the router off.

You’re not protecting them by not being honest. Regardless of who they are playing with, being on the Xbox at every opportunity isn’t good for your family. Time to negotiate and discuss.

Don’t view it as your Ex invading your home see it as their being an imbalance in the time that you have with your boys.

Never be angry as that will be twisted as craziness.
Be rational.
Have a serious chat with them about how your relationship was- at the very least they should be taught how not to treat people.
Start by saying you don't want to upset their relationship with their father but that you want them to understand how and why you feel as you do.
Ask them to set boundaries themselves.
A couple of times a week being online with dad, time with you, time with mates.

It might be too late but as a child of separated parents I think telling the children is terrible advice. Hearing one parent badmouth the other, no matter how justified it is horrible for children. It makes you fee guilty for speaking to the "bad" parent and guilty for loving them. Telling them is all about the parent feeling better but it's at the expense of children.

I have been in your children;s position. Do not do this to them.

While there is clearly no doubt that your ex is a hideous individual you are projecting your own feelings by talking about his invading your privacy etc. He’s really not.

At fourteen and seventeen very few teenagers want to spend “family time” together,and while it is difficult knowing that he has bought them the xbox and games,it is up to them to make their own decisions about their relationship with their father,it’s not up to you to decide that they should know everything so that they take your side.

What if they don’t? What if they think that it’s an exaggeration? And even if not, pitting one parent against another is a terrible thing to do to children,regardless of the circumstances.

And really, controlling the router so the children can’t speak to their father comes across as incredibly controlling.

Hmm I disagree with the previous poster. Why should he have access to the children every day while the op spends time alone? Fair is 50/50. So they get to pick 3 nights to play with him and you get 3 nights of Xbox free time. If kids play football as a hobby they don’t do that every evening, this is a hobby the same as any other and hobbies shouldn’t be 24/7.

I’m not suggesting that the kids get all the gory details but an age appropriate detached idea. Unfortunately, my DD witnessed my assault by her father so she knows why we aren’t together.

Agree with kyliekoko 100%

Turn the WiFi off.

Limiting Xbox time is reasonable irrespective of your ex.

I'd worry more that they feel they can't say no. They are missing out on playing the games with their mates by always playing with their dad.

How often does he see them?