Am I about to write off a good thing? (History of abusive relationships)

[Penguinlitter]

Been dating a man for 3 months that is great to chat to, proper family man and decent job, wants me to be happy, sex is good.

But...I don’t look at him and think oh my god I fancy you. I don’t want to dive into bed with him. In part I think that is to do with the fact he is so available to me. Always replies to messages, wants to speak every day, calls when he’s says he will. There’s no mystery!

It’s almost like I have a ready made relationship there where he is wanting a future with me and is willing to show me that. It scares me and is a bit of a turn off. But I know this is linked to me being used to abusive men who play games or aren’t emotionally available.

Should I give this more time? Or is it a no go with questioning whether I fancy him already?

This is so tough to answer because I think that chemistry at the start is important and then all the other stuff builds as you get to know each other more . Having said that I always have that chemistry and thus far they have all turned out to be dicks so maybe I’m not a great one to give advice ?!

If this were me and I fancied him enough to enjoy sex and spending time with him etc then I’d prob give it a while longer

Have you seen him during lockdown ? If not then maybe you’ll feel differently when you see him next ?

I did have that feeling right at the start, very nervous about meeting him and fixing my make up! Haha.

But now it’s so comfortable that has all gone away as it usually does I suppose but it’s gome away fast here because he’s so available and open.

Seen him most days yes as we both work at home in same village

Ah ok maybe it’s moved a bit faster than it normally had and you are already at more of a comfortable stage with him . Maybe you are just not used to it been so calm and easy it’s deffo a tough one ! I don’t want to give you the wrong advice but if it was me as I say I’d give it a bit longer I think , maybe you could slow things down a bit

Don't mistake the rush of adrenaline from nerves and being unsure of whether a bloke will 'pick' you for lust.

I used to. I thought that rush was because I fancied them so much. But really it was because I didn't know where I stood and was full of adrenaline and cortisol. That shaky, sweaty stomach churning feeling is panic, not lust. Put identical twins in front of me and I'd pick the bastard one. Partly low self esteem that made me think any guy who wanted me wasn't worth having. Partly confusing panic for lust.

You fancy him enough to want to sleep with him. But your body isn't panicking so no 'rush'.

If you realise that available men who treat you well are a turn off then you need to reset your mind.

If he's a decent guy he'll be open to slowing down. Particular in these strange circumstances.

Abusive relationships are usually unpredictable and it's easy to equate that with excitement and passion.

What has gone away for you? The excitement? The wondering if you will work out? I quite like getting to that comfortable stage.

I'm 47 so maybe age has made me happy to cut out all the bs and high drama and enjoy the stability that comes with a healthy, committed relationship.

I definitely agree with the lust being about ‘pick me!’ Once I knew this one had picked me he became less and less attractive. It’s confusing though as I have had relationships where the attraction has remained but where I never felt totally sure that they really wanted me.

Why is it off- putting that he shows you respect by calling you when he says he will? And the other things you mentioned that are surely just being kind, respectful and decent?

I think because I panic and feel like it’s getting serious.

The sad thing is that all I want is to feel safe and happy in a relationship. I just don’t know how to get there.

He's treating you respectfully. If that's causing problems then maybe that is worth exploring.

The Freedom programme run by Women’s Aid could help you move forward here. This is for those who have been in abusive relationships.
It may also be an idea for you to read the website called Baggage Reclaim.

What too did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You have found a good man here who has made you finally feel safe and happy. Relationships are not all about crashing lows and enormous highs, perhaps you have been addicted to such drama but those never make for good relationships. Good respectful relationships are not ever about drama.

I’ve always had drama in relationships. I hate it. I feel I may already have messed up with this one as I’ve let myself get into a state when he’s simply tried to be nice and kind. It’s made me back off. Urgh.

Exactly. To you 'attraction' is linked to not knowing how they feel about you - so you full of adrenaline and cortisol.

How do I make myself recognise he is a good man?!

The thing is I know people say that if you don’t fancy them then you don’t but I know me and I know I have had so so many shitty relationships that it’s not that simple.

You find how to reset your mind. Could be counselling, should be self reflection, could be books. You need to change your engrained habit. Like giving up smoking. Takes effort, but the first step is admitting this is about you, not him.

Yes it is definitely about me. He was so genuine with me that it made me back off! He genuinely seemed to care which I felt was really intense when really it’s what you should expect. I know this but can’t put it into practice for some reason