Cutting out "toxic children"?

[Cheesepleas3]

So many threads on here mention people cutting out toxic parents. Makes me wonder if anyone have every cut their children out their life for being toxic? Obviously I'm talking about adult children. I know some people who I personally think should, but nobody that actually has, that I can think of anyway.

I've no idea and I don't know anyone who has, but I'm sure it isn't a one-way street.

Loads of people stop talking to their kids. I once pulled my DF up about his terrible behaviour when I was growing up, he responded by saying he was sorry I felt that way, and then never speaking to me again. He died a few years ago. I'm sure he'd have called me toxic.

Similar to rvby here, and I know she cries at people about it but always from a point of "I'm the hard done by one who's never done anything wrong" Bet you all £1 it's coz I'm toxic too....

Weird how they both use the "sorry you feel that way" instead of a real apology when they are clearly doing something pretty crappy.

Depends what you mean by toxic.

Most children don't grow up to be toxic completely independent from external sources.

My mother is one of those who would always 'apologise' by saying "I'm sorry you feel that way"

I went NC with her many years ago, she'd never say it was because I'm toxic but in whispered tones she'd say "mental health problems"

I know a family who did. Lovely people, very close family friends, and they had a son and daughter. Throughout childhood, the son was wonderful. Great student, loads of friends, and very close to his parents. Then he became an older teenager and all hell broke loose. The parents tried everything possible to help him, private doctors, therapists, rehab several times when he developed a drug problem, but nothing worked.

Years and years of their lives were a living hell because he was so abusive, stole from them, the lot. When he was in his late 20s they finally had enough and went NC. This was over 20 years ago and they haven't spoken to him since. From what they have heard, he is still a mess. We all think he has mental illness, but that couldn't excuse how awful he was. He nearly killed his parents with stress and anxiety. It's a very sad story.

Yep my husbands parents. Stopped talking to him completely when he was 15. Obviously they were the toxic ones but they saw it as him that was. He died last year, so they missed out on a lot.

I know someone who adopted a child who was always a bit of a "cheeky chap" as a child. As a teen he was very difficult and as an adult they've let him get on with it. Their attitude is now; "He knows where we are if he needs us"

Sometimes the best for everyone is to not be in contact. It takes a wise person to realise that.

My parents used that to keep DSis and I apart for a long time. Dad still tries, but she has seen through him now, so it doesn't work.

My crime was moving away and getting out from under.

@LynetteScavo about 10% of adoptions break down (usually when the children are teenagers), its not the same as a birth relationship.

And DHs whole family ostracised him for no other reason than he was the eldest and left home.

For some reason his siblings still thing that everything he has ever worked for was beyond him, he was just lucky and that "it's alright for him".

No acknowledgement that he worked hard, chose to give up work in his 30s to go to Uni via an Access course and kickstart an proper career. Which was also "beyond his station"

No idea why none of them could be proud of him or even be nice to him... unless they wanted to ask for money, of course.

Thinking about it, that was my other unforgivable crime too!

My parents have told people how awful I am - mother visited MIL specifically to tell her how awful I am, leaving out every single contribution from her and father as to why I am the way I am with them. I admit to being no angel but I have apologised and tried to make things right. Until my parents see their own faults, there is nothing I can do except continue to work on mine.

Do you know that child to adult domestic abuse is a very real and serious issue? It goes on privately and there is very little help, when it is your teenager or older teen.

Sometimes it really does boil down to nature.

Their attitude is now - He knows where we are if he needs us

Sometimes its better for people not to be in contact - as you say Scavo, wise words.

I used to be of the opinion "its surely mostly the parents fault". I think you are more likely to think this when you yourself have toxic or difficult parents.

However, I now believe some children grow up to be very difficult and abusive - sometimes underlying mental health conditions - and put their parents through hell. People rarely believe the parent or minimise it - of course alot of it is done behind closed doors.

Like Cheese I think alot of it comes down to nature. I've seen good parents on the floor with what they've have to go through .

Sometimes the relationship just doesn't work. I know a lot of people whose much loved children fell into addiction, for whatever reason. Most are now no contact with those children, for their self preservation. One has only recently (past 2 years) reconnected with her adult son, who is now clean and committed to a whole new life, but they're the exception. Sometimes there isn't another way.

I don't think anyone goes no contact lightly, whether with a parent, child or other family member.

My parents would say I am toxic.
What they actually mean is she pissed us off too much with her yearly warblings of how we abused her as a child.

My MIL cut out her DD who is an alcoholic, prostitute druggie if the shit stirring from her so called best friend is to be believed. MIL has told DH that she is banned from her funeral and written it into her will. DSIL has been awful at times including telling everyone her parents were dead and that she hoped my DS died when he was in NICU.

On the flip side SIL was made to clean her grandmothers then grandads house every day, walk their dog and go to the shops for them she was then expected to do the same at MILs house including going to the shops multiple times a day. MIL would call her at 6am to make sure she was walking the 3 miles to her house each day to clean for her even demanding she quit her job to do it.