Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Estranged relative getting in contact to tell you they are dying

23 replies

MeadowHay · 05/05/2020 15:06

Has this happened to anyone? What did you do about it? Particularly interested in hearing from people where it was not them who ended the relationship/instigated being NC, it was the other party.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 05/05/2020 15:25

I attempted to build a relationship with my dad in the months he was dying, it didn't go well but I would have regretted not trying at all.

famousforwrongreason · 05/05/2020 16:49

I am currently in this situation. We are estranged due to massive lifelong abuse and all round toxicity.
I feel some guilt but this person has carried on being a cunt since the diagnosis and has reminded me of all the reasons I chose the estrangement.
It has re-traumatised me, made me underperformed at work at a time we need to perform better than ever and all so put me in such a vulnerable place I started breaking down and was considering getting back with my disloyal and dishonest ex just because I couldn't bear the pain on my own.
Nobody else in the family is interested in this relative either which helps me to stay strong.
Happy to pm for further discussion

Sodamncold · 05/05/2020 16:51

If they’re getting in contact to tell you they’re dying - I’d be a tad skeptical as to whether they were indeed “dying”

Someone else contracting you on their behalf, maybe so.

Original poster
MeadowHay · 05/05/2020 16:54

They are definitely dying, this can easily be verified by other relatives that are not estranged and who can be trusted. I totally understand where you are coming from with that, through experience with other people. But diagnosis etc is definitely genuine here.

OP posts:
LexMitior · 05/05/2020 16:57

Depends on why there was estrangement.

If the dying person has any element of narcissism or histrionics then often a chance to have a final swipe, make drama, or otherwise affect you for the worse.

StCharlotte · 05/05/2020 17:00

Yep happened to me. I didn't even know why they'd gone NC!

We made up.

They had a brain tumour which changed their personality - for the good. It literally took away all their nastiness which meant that they could reconcile with another (very forgiving) relative who they'd always bullied. It was a strange but heartening thing.

@famousforwrongreason I'm sorry yours is such a different outcome. Stay strong Flowers

Rainbowshine · 05/05/2020 17:01

Particularly interested in hearing from people where it was not them who ended the relationship/instigated being NC, it was the other party

In this case as it seems that there are other “go between” relatives I would pass a fairly bland “sorry to hear the news” type of comment and be done with it. The ball’s in their court if they want some kind of reconciliation but you shouldn’t feel obliged to respond to that if it’s not what you want.

satsumamumma · 05/05/2020 17:06

Not quite the same but my totally narcissistic father contacted me about 8 years after he finally fucked off and left us all alone, seriously ill and terrified of dying. Lots of self indulgent talk of regret and missed opportunities.
Thanks to great medical care he then recovered and I've not heard from him since (almost 20 years!). Apparently he is still alive but I won't be taking any more calls from him in the future.

Gutterton · 05/05/2020 17:09

You basically have 4 options reflecting different boundaries:

  1. Ignore. Have no guilt about it. If your life has been better without them in it and if getting back in contact could undo your MH then you need to consider this.
  1. Respond with a simple note acknowledging that you wish them peace and comfort but you don’t wish to be in contact.
  1. Respond to open up whichever level of communication and involvement suits you. So a call to clear the air, a one off meet up, weekly calls or offering practical support.
  1. Shelve it for now and decide that you will consider taking action or not further down the line if it’s likely to be a long illness and you have a reliable info source.

It’s important to understand your own motivations FOG (fear, obligation, guilt?) and expectations - and to be realistic about what you could and even want to endure and why.

What do you think their motivations are and what do you think their expectations are? Is there a risk it’s not true, exaggerated or a long time off (a friend of mine was hoovered back into a RS with her DF after he was Dx with prostrate cancer - 14 years ago...)

Have you any relatives who might have more info?

Standrewsschool · 05/05/2020 17:10

Not happened to me, but maybe they want to make their peace, before the end. I would probably listen to what they had to say, and then take it from there.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/05/2020 17:11

I would stay clear.

If someone wanted to clear their slates and put their affairs in order after treating me badly - I don't think I'd be that keen to indulge them.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/05/2020 17:12

maybe they want to make their peace, before the end

-but if they were the ones who cut off, surely they just want to salve their bad conscience?

Gutterton · 05/05/2020 17:15

When they got in contact with you - did they just tell you of their health - or did they indicate that they wanted to meet with you, resolve something, apologise or expect an apology from you?

Gutterton · 05/05/2020 17:17

I think it is v telling (ie manipulative) if they just broke the news but were not clear on next steps - would indicate a bit of drama / blame dynamic maybe?

Gutterton · 05/05/2020 17:20

IME its rare for abusive people to have a personality transplant in these circumstances - often it magnifies and amplifies their issues.

MissHoskins · 05/05/2020 17:21

No but I'm expecting a summons, she's 88 and I think it will come through my son. He still has a relationship with her. I mentioned in passing to him that I was thinking of getting in touch with her because of the virus and he said No don't even go there mum.

StCharlotte · 05/05/2020 18:14

IME its rare for abusive people to have a personality transplant in these circumstances - often it magnifies and amplifies their issues.

I would agree but having witnessed it first hand it does happen.

Standrewsschool · 05/05/2020 18:20

@misshoskins - name change fail?

MissHoskins · 05/05/2020 19:15

@Standrewsschool
No name change fail here, sorry, I don't understand your post and why you think I've name changed

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 05/05/2020 22:01

I would say oh dear, take care and farewell. And then go about my day and life as normal. If we are NC, I won't suddenly be at your bedside when you're about to pop to clogs.

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 05/05/2020 22:01

pop your clogs**

Standrewsschool · 05/05/2020 22:09

Miss Hoskins - sorry, I read your post as an update from the op, so presume it was from the same person.

RantyAnty · 05/05/2020 22:13

My mother tried to contact estranged relatives. They didnt reply. I don't blame them.
She made sure to hurt us after her death.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page