He can't face the truth

[Hesinsane]

DH can't face the truth about anything that inconveniences him.
If one of his family members is offensive towards me, he brushes it under the carpet. We have a leak in the kitchen that's getting worse- brush it under the carpet. The affect this is having on my mental health is enormous.
He has got to a point where he will actually sulk or seemingly punish me for (in his eyes) inconveniencing him. He doesn't seem to even know he's doing it.
This morning, I said to DH:
"The dishwasher hasn't washed the cups properly again."
He said: "I'll buy different tablets."
I said "I think it's more to do with the dishwasher, changing the tablets hasn't made a difference or giving it a thorough clean."
He said:
"Well if you think that, you can start washing all the dishes from now on can't you."

What the heck is this about?
I seemingly can't broach the topic of anything without this sort of response if its not what he wants to hear and its wearing me down.

It doesn't sound ideal. How does he deal with issues that he can't ignore?

Could you change your approach slightly and say? The dishwashers playing up, I'm going to book x company on x day to come and look/fix it.

Have you looked at fixing the dish washer yourself?
Doesn't take a penis..

I don’t understand from what you said to him what you were expecting him to do?
You said here is a problem
He said ok I will buy new tablets (solution)
You said no that won’t work
But didn’t give him a solution or a suggestion. Just a problem?

I have to hand wash cups sometimes as they don’t clean well in the dishwasher. Put them in soapy water for a while first

I should say perhaps you don’t communicate very well
Why can’t you find solutions to problems is this just your DH job? Can you be more direct?

I'm not sure what you wanted either.

Perhaps you could say "do you think there's any kind of servicing or maintenance it needs?" - or "I'd like to get an engineer in to take a look" - or "I want to replace it"

Though having said that, your husband appears to have done that annoying double trick of both assuming you've said something and also shutting it down with a sideways refusal (rather than just saying "no way I don't think we can afford to buy another dishwasher"). I still remember being Utterly Pissed Off when I began a conversation with "there's a disco at school on Friday" and my mother's immediate response was "how are you getting home"... looking back, of course, I should have said "oh great thanks, I'll catch the late bus"

Ahem. Anyway, neither of you is communicating directly.

"Darling, would you be able to fix that leak or do we need to get in a professional?" (I'm assuming you don't know how to fix the leak or you'd have done it already...)

The thing with his family is trickier. I suppose it depends what you mean by offensive...

I know this isn't the point of the thread but, have you tried rearranging the dishes? I've noticed that when I've moved the cups somewhere else or made sure there wasn't something blocking the spray, that the cups have been fine.

Regarding the leak. What's the issue here? Are you expecting your DP to fix it or, are you expecting him to get someone in to fix it? If it's getting worse, that could cause issues with damp, mould and rotting so perhaps just arrange for someone to fix it.

He should have your back. He should stick up for you. This is a problem and points to other deeper issues.

I think I know what you mean, it's like he can't deal with you being unhappy about something, even just expressing your feelings about something negative and he takes it personally. Is that what you mean? Very frustrating and unhelpful attitude to have. Sounds like he's stressed.

This morning, I said to DH:
"The dishwasher hasn't washed the cups properly again."

Mmm, this is the kind of thing DH says to me and drives me absolutely WILD. He often says it in a very irritated voice too. Like it's MY fault the dishwasher isn't working? Of course, it's true, that I'm the only one who cleans the filter or the arms or runs a delimescale cycle but if he said, "The cups aren't being washed properly again - do you mind please doing your thing to fix it?" or "The cups aren't being washed again, can you show me how to clean the filter/arms and I'll do it" it would be an entirely different situation. [ps - the filter or the rinsing arms are almost always the problem in my experience if the top shelf is not getting cleaned properly]

It seems to me that you're annoyed that he's not dealing with this stuff and perhaps he's annoyed you expect him to? So a leak would have me an Dh having a conversation. He's better at that stuff so he'd then agree to take the lead on sorting it/finding someone to sort it. But I don't just say to him, "there's a leak in the ceiling" and leave it. If I notice it first I'd say something like, "I see the kitchen is leaking. Do you think we need to get someone out to look at it?" And he'd then tell me if we do or don't.

@BlingLoving apologies for the derail OP. When you say it's usually the filter arm, do you mean there's something blocking the holes or do you meant that something in the shelf below is blocking the spray? I always thought it was the latter.

Also, when you say you run a delimescaler - is that a thing? Do you mean run the dishwasher cleaner (that pot you put in and run a cycle) or, do you mean an actual descale with something else?

Sorry OP, très impoli.

@12345kbm - also sorry OP, but quick segue for 12345:

Yes, the arm that spins can be blocked inside - usually with something irritating like sweet corn or rice (IME). You can remove the whole arm very easily as it just twists off. When you then run your tap through the central piece, you'll quickly see if there's an obvious blockage. If not, nonetheless push as high pressure water as you can, swish around a few times and rinse via the central hole as well (eg rice might get caught in there while it's attached but the moment you rinse it out it comes out) so you might not even notice the blockage.

We live in a high limescale area so we have to properly delimescale the dishwasher as we would the kettle (and we should do it more often). Usually it's a dishwasher cleaner but with a special limescale addition. A lady at lakeland recommended this one a few years ago and it's brilliant - cleans and descales at once.

Thanks for sharing your tips!

@BlingLoving thank you so much. I live in a very high limescale area and didn't know there was such a thing. I just put the usual pot 'dishwasher cleaner' in and run a cycle once a month. I will look into that many thanks.

Thank you also for the tip on cleaning the sprays. I normally take out and rinse the filter but the spray arms not so much. Which make that part of the routine.

Many thanks!

Apologies again, OP.

DH keeps on using the faulty dishwasher which hasn't worked for around 6 months now. Hence me telling him the cups are dirty again in naive hope that he doesn't keep using it. He gets offended and wants me to ignore it and continue using dirty dishes that have been washed in the dishwasher. His solution is that we should ignore that the dishes are dirty and keep using them.

I have taken the dishwasher apart myself (so has he) and cleaned everything. I suggested getting someone in to look at it-he sulks even more and will not tolerate another man coming in to fix appliances. He gets angry and annoyed at the mere suggestion of someone coming in to fix it. He wants to leave them, keep using them and ignore that they don't work.

His solution is ignore the dirt, keep using it and if I can't, I need to wash all dishes from now on.

@Delbelleber yes he takes it all very personally. Like I've offended him. But if I try to fix the problem, that offends him too. I am supposed to ignore everything.

Thank you for all the dishwasher tips! I will look into the descaler. How do you know if you live in a high limescale area?

Weather he likes it or not you have 2 choices
Repair man or new dish washer.

If you're leaving bits of gunge on your pots you're going to get ill.

You go to your water company for example, Yorkshire Water. They have a search function where you put in your post code and it tells you the water hardness. The harder the water, the more limescale. Mine is the highest and is a nightmare.

He's being a tit OP. I'm not sure where you want to go from here. These things obviously need fixing. The leak especially as it could lead to long term damage that will be very expensive.

Give him a timescale to sort it out and, tell him that if it's not done by then, you'll get someone in. As for the dishwasher, sounds unhygienic to use dirty plates. Wash by hand until it's fixed or replaced. If he refuses to do either, tell him that's fine as his job is now the washing up.

I think this is the tip of the iceberg OP...