Missing toxic ex now I’m in a healthy relationship

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Why do I still miss my toxic ex so much? It’s been a year and a half and I’m in a new relationship with an amazing man who treats me well, is so loving, kind, thoughtful and generous everything I wanted my ex to be but he couldn’t.

He was emotionally abusive, cheated on me countless times, was never thoughtful or romantic but for some reason I loved the bones of this man. I tried to change him for years, only to end up damaging myself. We was together on and off for 5 years, no children involved thankfully but why do I miss him so much?

I love my current partner but not with the same intensity and don’t feel I have the same connection with him as I did with my ex. I’m not really enjoying lockdown with him and find the relationship boring at times yet I could have been stranded on an island with my ex and would never feel bored in his company.

I’m not normal am I? :(

Could it be more that while you appreciate your new partner for being a nice bloke (as should be) you're just not feeling the proper deep connection with him?

Get the ex out of your head regardless. Be alone if you need to be.

I had a similar situation in my last relationship. I just wanted to be enough for guy number 1, guy number 2 was also an asshole in the end but was lovely enough at the start.

I'm now with my fiancé and don't think about either of them, Zi would say if you don't have a connection with the new guy don't force it for the sake of both of you- put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you would feel, it might help you achieve some clarity x

Hi OP
I posted about a similar issue a few days back. I had a toxic relationship with my ex for 12 years. A few years back I met a lovely man, stayed with him for three months then went back to the ex. Big mistake. If anything I ended up appreciating how nice the other man really was in comparison.
I think elements of toxic relationships are addictive unfortunately and cold turkey is the only answer. I'm currently you single and trying to learn to be happy alone, as clearly I have some issues.
When things were hood with my ex they were good, but when they were really bad, I used to dream about being with a man who treated me nicely. When I got it, turns out I didn't want it.
I wish you the best of luck in resolving this.

Have a look into trauma binding and codependency - that might explain the energy and emotional urge / tension you are missing.

Yes it is dysfunctional and destructive even if addictive / compulsive.

Well done for getting out. What work have you done in yourself to understand your own boundaries and core values that allowed you to get involved in both of these relationships?

What was your upbringing like? Were your unique individual needs met, encouraged and celebrated - or did you have to absorb, internalise and adapt to the unhealthy dynamics of caregivers?

Dysfunctional relationships are addictive.They give you a hit like cocaine and can be very difficult to let go off. You can become conditioned like a rat in a cage to the reward and punishment system and life seems very dull when you're out.

Whoops trauma bonding - not binding ...