Can’t do this shit anymore

[AlwaysDancing1234]

Can’t do this shit anymore.
Been wiith H for almost 20 years, 2 kids, one of whom has SEN.

I am fed up of always being the one that has to think of everything, do everything and take on all the mental load and financial strain.

I’m the one that’s always in contact with school and doctors etc to fight for DS to get what he needs.
I’m always the one who makes sure homework is done, make sure kids are well kept and bathed etc. Laundry housework and all the rest.

DH is not a bad person he had just been babied by his mother all his life (still is) and doesn’t seem willing or able to take on any adult responsibilities.
He is in a low paid part time job and is supposed to be training for a qualification to move up to better pay etc but can’t be arsed to do the work and is on games console instead.
He says it’s due to depression/anxiety but I suffer myself and still work long hours in a job which pays the bills rather than the career I want as well as looking after kids and household.

We’re in shit loads of debt just trying to stay afloat. Debt is mostly in my name as I’m the higher earner and he couldn’t get a loan (yes I know how fucking stupid I am)

My patience is running out and I’ve had enough. I don’t know what I want from posting this other than to vent. I feel trapped and so angry.

Has he sought medical help for his anxiety/depression?

So you've got ongoing gynae issues, you're doing everything at home, carrying the mental load and working fulltime?! No wonder you're feeling dragged down.

I do think you'd be better off without a full grown adult man as passenger, only interested when sex might be on the menu. It wouldn't be harder.

Have you seen the doc? You need to take care of yourself.

LannieDuck yes he’s doing a talking therapy but he seems to have one session then thats it until the next time there’s a crisis.

Category 12 - starting to agree with you, so fed up.
Yes I have seen the doc, thank you for asking about me. Has some procedures and surgery and was waiting to see Gynae about a hysterectomy but of course it’s all on hold til goodness knows when now.

Sorry I’m having a pity party today!

He's just really lazy and entitled OP. He sounds exactly like my ex husband right down to the lack of any ambition and giving up at every hurdle.
Even when I was staggering about after a major operation he didn't lift a finger, wouldn't mow the grass, was whining about his lack of sex even before my stitches were out.
Now we're divorced I feel completely care free and do whatever I want.
Don't waste another year on him, get the ball rolling. Let the milksop move back in with mummy and be looked after.

Jesus Christ, OP.

I don't know your full circumstances of course, so I wouldn't tell you what to do. (Except if I thought an OP was in serious danger). We all know life is complicated.

But I've followed your post since your original OP. And I think you are a trouper who really should get out of this obnoxious relationship. I don't give a shit what his MH problems are, I really don't. Especially as I suspect a lot of it is an excuse, as you say. Going on a fucking games console while you do nearly everything, what a joker. He's just a piss taker. Tell him to piss right off.

(sorry angry, I just hate to see women being taken for a ride by these cocklodging wasters who just moan about their bloody MH).

However, despite your feelings, you may need to bide your time a bit - try not to act until you have seen a solicitor re. your rights. Also try to get a bit of rest. Let the house to go pot if necessary and the kids watch TV all day too - you need to get some strength up. I know this may be very difficult with a SN child, but if you can get some rest and time away from as much of the burdens as possible, I would if I were you. Maybe take some sick leave if that helps?

Wishing you strength .

madcatladyforever - funny you say that, I have just been out and cut the grass and sorted the garden! He then says “oh I’ll do it” but he’s had all bloody week while I’ve been working and hasn’t bothered 🤷‍♀️

MexHex thank you for your kind words. I’ve been trying to take a step back but DS needs routine and structure especially with school work as he takes the deadlines very seriously. And DD too to a lesser extent.

I got out for a whole hour this lunchtime and it was blissfull. Felt guilty for not taking kids but I needed some headspace.

I don’t have any money for a solicitor and still swinging between being angry and then feeling guilty at the thought of breaking up the family.

I must sound horrible bitching about it all and he’s not a bad man I just feel so ground down by it all 😢

DH is not a bad person he had just been babied by his mother all his life (still is) and doesn’t seem willing or able to take on any adult responsibilities.

He's a lazy, selfish, manchild and always will be.
You just took over from his mother - and then for some reason decided to have two kids to him!

There's no 'family' to break up - YOU do all the parenting and gruntwork and provide financially.
The only thing you'll be breaking is this illusion of a happy, functional family.
Your kids will be better off in the longrun without his bad example of a dad and partner.
As for MIL, she'll have to suck up seeing the kids only on their dad's contact time - and you get EOW to yourself.

Urgh! Sounds so familiar, it's the old 'bury his head in the sand' situation. This was the exact reason I left my ex as well, the lack of understanding and excuses for the behaviour can make you very resentful indeed. It's totally understandable that your frustrated but feel somehow responsible for him and his feelings if you were to split. However, he has a choice, and if he chooses not to meet both you and the kids in the 'real world' that's his decision.

It felt hard to me as well at the pony you are now at, when you can't take any more as I felt that at least he wasn't abusive just lazy. But honestly, this is no life. I can say now that my daughter is the most balanced mentally and happier than she has ever been since he left. Yes it is hard but you don't regret it as you will be doing the same now as before without the emotional pressure

You don't sound horrible at all.

You might be able to find a solicitor who does a free initial consultation to look at your options. If you don't have the money, and presumably he doesn't have the money either, you could potentially do a DIY divorce if you were able to agree things between you. Just have to find the court fees (and maybe a couple of sessions with a solicitor to check the financial stuff is sorted properly).

Where to start!!!!!
I'm 40 this year, second marriage 4DC, 3 from first marriage ds 19, 17 and 13, and dd 8 with dh. Together 10yrs married 6years. DH has 1ds from previous marriage.

Always argued over the smallest of things, ending up with neither of us talking for days. Arguments turn to shouting and kids hear. Every little thing annoys me and following arguments he just sits on his arse watching tv while I'm left to run the house, cooking, school work, cleaning etc. He works away and is higher earner.

Anway last week he facetimed his son and his ex wife joined in, (I was upstairs after not speaking for 3 days, could hear whole conversation). Lots of giggling and call lasted over an hour. DH had drunk 2 bottles of wine. Call it intuition but I was uneasy, so when I heard him finish and leave the room, I went through his messages and seen a conversation between him and ex wife before the facetime call, him saying he regretted leaving, mind blowing sex, how she thinks about him and how her mum says he still loves her etc, heart wrenching for me to read. He says he didnt know why he sent them, he was drunk and has no feelings for her and doesnt want her back?? I feel so sad and hurt, what do I do

LEW80 your “D”H sounds like an absolute arse.

I've told him it's over and that the trust has totally gone. I've been working out finances and I just cant see how I will manage on my own, with every day living and debts

LEW80 I know what you mean, when you add everything up and realise you don’t have enough to cover it is a horrible feeling. Sounds like you’ll be well rid though.

seconding what another poster said about stepchange. I was drowing in debt 18 months ago and they were awesome. Sorted out a debt management plan for me and got all interest froze from my creditors. I used to pay over £800 a month on debt repayments and was sinking further and further into debt. Now I pay £240 and that lets me live within my means each month and manage to build up savings too.

Sorry your husband isn't more supportive.

Thanks karigan
I really need him to take the kids out for a walk for hour next week (daily exercise) so I can call Stepchange and sort it out.
Trouble is getting him to take both kids out together for more than 15 mins 😒