How do I find a best friend?

[searchaway]

One thing lockdown has made me realise is how utterly lonely I am. I don’t have a best friend I’m missing or anyone I normally pop round to see for a cup of tea and I really just desperately want that in my life. I’ve tried really hard over the years to meet friends, mainly through my kids school, but none of the relationships have gone anywhere. How do I make a best friend? Somebody who doesn’t already have a million other mates and just wants to sit and have a cuppa and a chat and sometimes have a mooch around the shops together. My mother has this. She met her best mate when my little sister started school and they’ve been solid for 40 years! I wonder if it’s where I’m living. I’m living in an expensive commuter belt town and it seems really hard to just meet people who aren’t extremely busy. Can I ask if you have a best friend you see for a cuppa and how you met that person and what tips you have for me? I really want things to change once lockdown ends.

There is always an opportunity to make friends. I think the best bonding is when you and friend try something new at the same time. That’s why meeting through hobbies is a good idea.

It is hard to make a ‘best friend’ as that requires oodles of time to develop and lots of people won’t have that to invest. But then lots of us don’t have a best friend because of this. That’s ok.

I have a v fulfilling social life and plenty of friends but I don’t have a “best” friend. I tried to think a bit about this I think reading your OP makes me realise that the sort of thing you seem to be describing feels a bit claustrophobic for me . I hate labels and hate being defined by labels and couldn’t be in a “we are best friends” thing unless it was organic and decades long. To actively try to create a best friend and to be in that position feels a bit constraining.

Can you try to engage with your local community, existing friends even if online, activities or co workers to create a nice broad network as your post lockdown goal? Instead of finding and securing one single best friend quest which might have the effect of putting people off if you come across a bit too strong? Not sure...

I do. I met her through work about 18 years ago. Couldn’t stand her at first. Then slowly got closer. We saw each other through lots of low points before we truly became best friends. That was probably about ten years ago or so. She has quite a few other close friends, I’m very close to my family and have a lot of “mum” friends. I do have different friends for different circumstances though...

I think you have to change your goals. So first goal is to make aquaintances. From there, good aquaintances. From there friends. Does that make sense?

Hear me out but I think the 'best friend' myth is one that is fed to us, especially females, from a very young age. As much as the handsome prince/happy ever after story.

I still have a lot of trauma from my best friend in primary school telling me I was her second best friend (her first best friend was at the local CofE primary). Thus a lifetime of believing I wasn't good enough etc.

It's impossible for one person to be everything to another. I have a very close friend who I love traveling with, share many interests with but she's childless and lives in another country so I can't share the local casual meetup and chasing the preschoolers around with her. I have a lovely 'mum friend' who I do that sort of thing with, but we have less shared hobbies.

I think hobbies are the way to go, and don't be afraid to let old friends drift a bit if they aren't serving any positive purpose to you.

Honestly I think this sort of friendship either happens organically or it doesn't. It sucks but while you can try to meet more people it's no guarantee of a good friendship developing.

I agree that best friends are up there with prince charming in terms of their "expectation vs. reality" potential.

I have met my closest friend as an adult, though. We met working for a particularly horrible client and bonded over after work drinks whenever he'd yelled particularly much that day. The only reason we're not raging alcoholics is that the firm eventually fired that client. Kept the friendship, though.

You can't force these things. The people you meet have to want the same level/depth of friendship that you do.

I have 5 close friends. And my mum. I tell them all everything. But you can't make someone want it.

A lot of good replies on this thread OP! I came on here to write exactly what @Namesgonenow has written!
I think maybe you need to move away from the goal of having one ‘best friend’ and maybe step things up with the acquaintances/friends you do have, and see what grows from that.
I don’t have a best friend but I have several close friends, who I ‘connect with’ (sorry couldn’t think of a better description!) for different things - for example the one I can call and just waffle on about nothing in particular, one I can talk to with 100% honesty about my love life, one who has known me and my family forever but I wouldn’t have true heart-to-hearts with etc etc
Places I have met friends include school, university, work, holidays, evening classes, one who I got to know when she came to live near my parents, one friend of a friend who moved to my city and didn’t know anyone else here... not all ‘best friends’ of course but all people I will ring for a chat or meet for a walk/takeaway/coffee.
I think especially as we get older, the idea of one best friend can be a bit old-fashioned for some people, however I completely know what you mean in your original post.
Lockdown is a weird time and not ideal for meeting new people but maybe you could arrange catch-up calls with a few acquaintances? It’s a good opportunity as lots of people are doing the same so it won’t look ‘weird’ to contact someone out of the blue. And if it goes well then keep in touch with the person so you can meet in real life when you can.
When restrictions are lifted I agree concentrate on hobbies if possible and reach out to anyone who seems nice. One of my good friends is someone I met at a language evening class, on the last day of the course she suggested meeting for coffee and I was a pleasantly surprised as I hadn’t chatted much with her, a few years later we are good mates!
Good luck

Thanks for all the replies. I agree that maybe my expectation is too much. I think it’s because I grew up seeing the example of my mum and her best mate. They’ve been glued at the hip for more than 40 years. I’m guessing she just got lucky.

This kind of post comes up on Mn all the time, often from people who say they are without friends, or struggle with friendships, but who nonetheless have a fantasy of leaping straight to a ‘best friendship’ with someone who prioritises them and is available for coffee, shopping and mutual soul-baring.

As others have said, you can’t skip the intervening steps — initially, you will have to make acquaintances, some of whom may eventually become friends, and over time, one or two may become close friends. But that will involve effort and time and putting yourself out there for you, first.

I think your mum is both lucky and unusual. I’m in my late 40s and don’t have a best friend, I’m not sure I ever have. I do have a few female friends that I can catch up with, I sort of have different friends for different things. Like one is a lot of sharing of what our kids have been up to (all the same age), and another is more about discussing our relationships and work as we both were dating at the same time before we found a partners a few years ago so shared experiences, and we’re at the same workplace. So I think it’s also about having circumstances or things in common - work, hobbies, kids school, next door neighbour, workplace type stuff etc.

It takes time.
Like any relationship.
I have 2 best friends.
We worked together.
My best best friends and I did not get on at all in the beginning.
But I went out with her and her other friends a few times and with work colleagues and we started to get on.
And it really grew from there.
2nd best friend, same company, she worked with us we all gelled really well.
I was probably early 30's.
20 years later and we are still best friends.
I love them and they have seen me through so much.
Don't expect it to happen overnight.
They sometimes just don't work like that!

I can relate OP, I'd like some more local friends and just before lockdown was all geared up to go to a local knit and natter, WI etc and it's a bit on hold for now.

My bestie lives on another continent now (

Agree with other posters , just put out there the energy you want back and you will get it )

I didn't realise how hard it was to make friends until we moved counties - I was alone for two years before moving jobs and now I have two close friends I made through work. It's so depressing being lonely, you just sit there thinking 'how do I make friends?!'. Try arrange playdates with other parents from your children's school(s) and then keep arranging to meet up with them (over a period of time) to get the ball rolling, speak to them on social media etc. Not all the time obviously, but space it out. When I found two girls at work I really liked but didn't know, I started a group convo and said I understood if they didn't fancy it but I'd like to do something with them outside of work and we've just gone from strength to strength! You could join a club or help out at Brownies/Guides to make some connections to the leaders? You might have already tried this but that's what I would recommend initially, good luck - I know what it's like to be lonely and it's suffocating 😟

I'm another one who thinks that the 'best friend' thing is difficult to achieve and is something we see in movies and on TV but very rarely happens in reality. I also think it's better to have a balanced group of friends who support you in different ways than one friend who is everything. Twice in adulthood I've made friends with people who were very full on and it felt like we became 'best friends' very quickly. Both times they actually let me down badly when I needed support. With hindsight, I think both friendships were actually quite unhealthy when we were in 'best friends' mode and I would be reluctant to go down that path again.

Your Mum is probably unusual TBH .40 years ago times were a lot different ,more women stayed at home and chances to "make" friends were more plentiful then.My "bestie" and I were friends for 25 years ,did it all ,going on the bus to School together ,riding our bikes ,I even went out with her brother for a while! However as adults we somehow drifted apart ,and havent seen each other for a very long time .I have a good friend now that I met as a new Mum ,and our DC have grown up together ! I would maybe look for a hobby or consider joining a quiz team if you can .If you are working maybe see if someone would like to meet up after work ?

Out of lockdown how many people do you meet usually? because I always think to get just one person you click really well with you probably need to meet a hundred. I have had a lifetime of changing careers, moving cities twice, two dc, lots of voluntary work and many hobbies. I have met a lot of people.

Plus the Mum at the school gate thing, all you have in common for sure is children the same age. I have two friends from the school gate our dc were four when we met and are now all 18/19. We all have a similar sense of humour and similar beliefs.

My best friend is my dog

Your mum is an exception OP. I have lots of friends and I call one of them my best friend because that’s what my DDs expect me to do, but she’s not. She’s great, they all are, but school taught me that the concept of a best friend was constricting and nonsensical. Friendship, as opposed to family and marital relationships, is free-form. Labels don’t help at all.

Sources of friends: school, uni, work, school gates, hobbies, dog-walking. It’s not rocket science.

@WindmillsofmyMind I have different friends for different things too, never known anyone else that does!
Took me till my mid 30s to make a proper best friend that i would talk to about anything regardless, but that's ok. Like many others we met through work. Friendships at the school gate tend to be fickle, your mum just got lucky

Bit silly question but how do people go from acquaintance e.g. coffee chat or drink after work... to friend?

Outside of childhood friends, friendships made when older all seem rather formal and slightly contrived to me. I don't agree you necessarily need that much in common, very different people form friendship groups in school but can grow tight with time. You influence each others' beliefs, and then stick out through your dating mishaps, weddings, etc...

I would like to make more friends after moving miles away from where i grew up. Alas with work, children and little social time I only ever make the C-list - the 'casual' mate. So I do worry about growing old alone with nobody aside from DH.

IME you have to 'do stuff' together with people to give the friendship the opportunity to grow. So shared ways to help others, shared hobbies (especially if you're the ones organising these), shared dealing with kids/elderly parents etc. Growing up my dad would fix cars, fit kitchens and dig over gardens with his mates, that really bonded us as families.

A lot of it is about getting the right amount of vulnerability too... Enough so that people know the real you, not too much so that you're overbearing, and vulnerability that you may invest in a friendship and one day your friend decides it's not for them anymore and that's it, it's over.

If you look at people with lots of friends (and who've moved away from where they grew up) they're people who interact with their neighbours, play support, join the PTA, become a school governor, help at the food bank etc etc.

You have to scatter the seed of friendship widely, some will grow, some won't.

Have you ever had a best friend, OP? What about when you were at school?