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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I stay close with my sister?

7 replies

Bailey93 · 04/05/2020 23:22

When her boyfriend is a waste of space and a manipulative piece of work. How can I maintain a good relationship with her if he's constantly on her phone and with her? I know she's unhappy. But it's hard as she has dc with him. The worst part is that she's even morphing into the way he is. I try so hard and have done for years, but where does it stop? I feel upset after every time I see or speak to them. If I go to my family home he even makes me feel like I'm unwelcome. I've always been nothing but nice to him. Not really sure what I want to get out of this post. Just how I can stay close with my sister and best friend :(

OP posts:
Fedupofitnow123 · 05/05/2020 04:23

Just be there always without judgement,

category12 · 05/05/2020 09:23

You might need to take a step back for your own sake, and let it play out as it will.

Make it clear to her that you love her and want to have a relationship with her and always will, but that you don't feel comfortable with his constant scrutiny/interference. It sounds like he wants to be a wedge between you and isolate her. I'd suspect controlling/abusive behaviour, tbh.

But you need to take care of yourself too.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/05/2020 11:06

This is so familiar to me - apart from my DSis didn't have kids with him.
He was a controlling narc and I hated him but I was always very nice to him.
He hated me and made no bones about it.
He hated the relationship I had with my sister.
He was very jealous of it.
We still saw each other without him there but nowhere near as often as we did.
She regretted it hugely later on and I was with her every day for nearly a year. Sadly she passed and I miss her every day.
Just be there.
Try to make time to spend together without him there.
He will drag her down and there really isn't much you can do about it.
Just let her know you will always be there for her.

Gutterton · 05/05/2020 11:26

Get yourself educated and informed on coercive control, abusive RS and NPD - and the impact it has partners and how best to help them.

Then you will see the bigger picture - how YOU are his biggest threat - also how intuitive responses by you can be counterproductive, drive her to close down with him and give him more power to abuse her and also back fire on you.

The victim ends up v traumatised, gas-lit, confused, suspicious and afraid. They can turn that on you rather than the abuser. They are always under pressure and you need to be careful not to put them under pressure as well - so don’t be judgemental ever about him or the RS.

I would keep all communications open, focus on light positive times (she will need this release and contrast) you might need to fake your own demeanour at these times. Find some times or something to do together regularly that he can’t be part of.

Listen and watch. You could v subtly drop info about behaviours / boundaries that are not in the context of her RS - so that in time she will join the dots.

Mostly though keep reminding her that she is wonderful and strong and encourage her personal goals - because he will be doing the opposite, grinding her down and eroding her soul all day everyday.

You might be in this dynamic for decades. You need to pace yourself and be clear of your own self preservation and know where you can and cannot have influence.

Bailey93 · 05/05/2020 16:35

Thank you so much for all your advice. It's really helped me in a really dark time Daffodil

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 05/05/2020 17:44

That’s very good advice from @Gutterton. I do feel for you. I used to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’m out of it now thankfully and much better but some advice as to how your sister will be feeling.
She wants you all to like him but she knows you don’t (even if you don’t say - she knows). She knows his behaviour is the reason you don’t like him. She can’t confront him about his behaviour because he’ll gaslight her. She can’t tell him that her family/friends don’t like his behaviour because he’ll try to isolate her more. She can’t change his behaviour. She’s stuck. She’s conflicted. She’ll see you less so she has less opportunity to feel your disapproval (it’s not about you, if she has ever sensed you dislike him she’ll feel disapproval every single time she sees you. It’s her self esteem, not what you do or say).
Give her the freedom to have time away from him. Let her talk about nice things they have done, ask about him, give her the confidence to know she can have these conversations without reaction. Praise her, support her, keep in touch with her, keep inviting her out even if she turns you down a few times.
She will eventually hopefully see what’s happening and leave him. If you’ve never left her side you’ll be the first one she comes too. I hope that helps Flowers

Bailey93 · 05/05/2020 21:39

@Aminuts23 that made me so emotional reading that as I can totally imagine that's what she's feeling. It's almost like she had written it. Thank you so much xx

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