Is this normal

[isthismormal]

Hi all

I've name changed for this. My head is pounding where I have been crying so much so apologies for any typo errors.

I have diagnosed mental health issues. It's absolutely shit and it captures me every single day. My anxiety is sky high and I have suffered from this really since the birth of our second son.

Is it normal for my husband to call
me names such as " fucking weirdo" for having mental health. He doesn't support me; often berating me for feeling anxious, particularly as I get so anxious about him and his welfare. He feels suffocated and says he's trapped and I am a control freak. He says I have no friends and called
me lots of names this evening.

I feel heartbroken. This has happened before and I thought we were getting on better lately, particularly during lock down.

I thought it would be okay and now tonight it's all happening again.

Please can someone advise me. I feel so upset.

Of course it is not normal for him to call you names such as " fucking weirdo".

But what treatment are you getting for your anxiety?

You cannot use your mental health issues as an excuse for difficult behaviour.

I'm pretty sure your mental health would improve hugely if you weren't with this arsewipe. I'm sorry you're feeling so low, but please don't think you deserve to be spoken to like that. Your partner should be the one who builds you up, not calls you a fucking weirdo.

How can you start to plan to get away from him after lockdown? You can legitimately leave during lockdown and would get support from the authorities to do so if you told anyone how he treats you, but I know its a tricky time to make changes for anyone at the moment, so try to spend some time working out the logistics of moving on. A happier life is on the other side of this, I promise you.

This is verbal and emotional abuse.

It's probably one of the worst things possible for your mental health.

Get all the help and support you need for your health- you could tell the GP/consultant you're still struggling and they could review your medication- there are loads of things they can try. It could be done over the phone.

Start planning how you can leave- you'll feel better without someone continually telling you you're shit or whatever, believe me. xxx

It's not acceptable for him to call you names. He sounds immature and like he isn't sure how to be a partner / doesn't care how you feel as long as you don't bother him. Not good op.

Are you under the care of a dr/mental health team? Who can you call to support you? If he is this unsupportive, it's probably best to focus on people who do support you.

Are you on medication at all? During a time like this, it may be best to ensure that you are. This is a rough time for anyone with MH concerns, particularly when your partner apparently can't cope / support you. I would try starting an anti anxiety med or upping dosage if your doctor is on side tbh.

If you don't mind answering, how is your anxiety actually manifesting towards him? What are you doing that makes it clear to him that it's MH related?

You need support, mental health problems are an illness and he sounds immature and aggressive. Please don't blame yourself for his actions, ask yourself what your advice would be to someone in the same position. You need to start being selfish and prioritise your health and happiness over an abuse relationship.

Thank you all for your kind replies, means the world so thank you.

I've always had a low opinion of myself and the mental health issues have really come to light in the past few years.
It's not the first time that this has happened with my husband. I see it as an argument and struggle to see how it's abusive when he's not like it all the time.

I do feel he doesn't care about very much and he is incredibly selfish, when I try my hardest to be the most kindest and thoughtful wife that I could be.
Unfortunately the mental health issues do impact him in my behaviour- I have ocd and it relates to his welfare. I'm fine if he's at home but panic when he isn't . This is where he says he feels he is trapped- that I control him. Which couldn't be further from the truth- I just need to know he's okay.

He does call me names and says I need to sort myself out. It's not that simple and he can be so cruel with words that I feel absolutely crushed by what he says.

I honestly don't know what to do it and feel so sad.

@isthismormal sorry you're feeling so bad. Are you getting treatment?

Ltb

Living with anxiety is very hard. As is living with someone with it. This in no way excuses his name calling which is cruel and juvenile. He clearly has no real understanding of your troubles.

My mother has generalised anxiety disorder - she worries about everything and it controls her life. It also controlled mine in my childhood. Thankfully I was able to move away and work on myself and I no longer suffer with it.

Are you on medication? Would you consider counselling? I'd recommend you focus less on him and more on yourself because this could become a lifelong affliction and it may also affect your children.

You owe this to yourself. I also think when you start to get on top of this and truly care for and love yourself, your self esteem will improve. I think it's likely you will look at your relationship very differently, too, when you are feeling strong and confident.

Thank you so much for replying. I have found them to be helpful and so kind.

No it isn’t ok for him to call you names. Are you getting help? His behaviour isn’t helping and the environment sounds toxic. This can’t continue, it isn’t fair to your children.

This is where he says he feels he is trapped- that I control him. Which couldn't be further from the truth- I just need to know he's okay.

I’m not excusing his behaviour but if you anxiety is triggered when he’s not at home, than whatever your justification is, it must be very stifling.

So, @isthismormal, are you receiving treatment?

If your MH issues/anxiety have increased during your marriage, it's probably related. You might well find yourself healthier out of the relationship, out of the emotional abuse.

No it's not normal, it's abusive!

It isn't kind of him to call you names but I would find it very difficult to be married to someone who was panicking whenever I wasn't at home

This is why I think it's really important to know some more details before being able to say. Of course he shouldn't call you names, but I wonder how your OCD manifests itself in worrying about him when he's out? It's a very miserable condition and I feel for you, but it could also be difficult for him?

My DH is very disapproving of the fact I take anxiety tablets. It’s horrible. Thinks I should just get on with it but I probably take them because of him which is ironic!! I know how you feel. My sister has crippling anxiety and OCD (properly diagnosed OCD rather than people saying they have OCD as they like tidying, she is very untidy!). He husband is so sweet and supportive and caring of her. It has really highlighted to me the lack of care I get. I think it’s hard to find someone who can cope with an anxious partner, is very difficult.

struggle to see how it's abusive when he's not like it all the time.

Abusers are rarely like it 100% of the time- or victims would find it far easier to leave. The times they're nice mean we give them leeway when they abuse.

It's really a very difficult situation and I absolutely am struggling so much with my anxiety.

My Dr is aware and is supportive; I am in regular contact with her although haven't spoken to her lately due to lockdown etc

I agree how stifling it must be for my husband and he too says to me
that my health is affecting his mental health.

I'm sure he thinks that I do all of this on purpose.

But it feels like he plays mind games as he can be lovely and then suddenly it's like a light switch and what he says to me hurts me so deeply inside, when I honestly can't help my anxiety and how it makes me feel.

I have diagnosed severe anxiety, OCD and Emetephobia.

It's absolutely horrendous.

@isthismormal you sound like you're really needing help. Ring your GP today and insist on speaking to someone. Make that your task for the day! You need to ensure that you get the help you need. Tell your husband you're doing this. Look into online counselling/helplines/ email help too.