If you've split up during lockdown', how are you coping?

[Jojobar]

Because I don't feel like I'm managing well really, and nothing seems to make it better.

We split up just before Easter. He phoned me a week later, since then nothing.

I have been eating non stop and gained a stone in weight. I feel bereft. I can't face exercising. I am still working every day from home, often 10 hours a day, plus I have loads of jobs to do in the house and the garden but Iif I'm not at the PC working 'm just sitting around pigging out instead.

I don't have any friends that I can phone or contact. He was my best friend and I miss him so much.

I thought our relationship was forever. He said that he wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together. Yet he refused to apologise for something that really upset me or try to see my point of view. He thinks I'm being petty and putting some stupid principle ahead of our relationship.

I'm so sad and broken by it, and I feel really alone. Every day that goes past and I've not heard from him, just stabs me in the heart another time, reminds me how I mean nothing to him. And it's shit. And as far as I can see there's nothing that will make it better other than time.

What upset you, causing the break-up?

We argued, voices were raised. He poked me, not hard it didn't hurt. But it really upset me, as I felt he did it to intimidate me/ make a point. Many years ago I was in a relationship where I was subjected to DV and emotionally abused. In the end I got myself out of it because no one helped me, not even the police. And because of that I was probably more sensitive to this than someone else might be, but he knows be my background. I explained why it upset me. But he won't apologise for it because he doesn't see it was wrong. He thinks it was fine, because he didn't (and would never) hit me or hurt me.

He doesn't get that this hurt me emotionally. I've tried but I can't make him understand so we can't continue in a relationship.

I'm not sure when I'm going to start feeling better; as the days pass I'm feeling worse if anything.

You'll feel better when you can go about your daily life again. A lot of people are feeling stress at the moment and yours is obviously greatly compounded by this break up. He's doing you a favour by not contacting you. Take it as a clean break. Plan what you are going to do when lockdown is over. Don't feel guilty about pigging out.

Would you be able to afford some online talking therapy?

It sounds like you have made a good decision for you, asserted your boundary. But you are now sitting in the discomfort and pain. It is good to be present with your emotions and to truly feel things but emotional eating isn't so good.

Maybe splitting with him is raising some unresolved trauma from the older time, when someone abused you? I think some therapy would help. xxxx

Don't call him!!!!

I think I recall your last thread...it will take time, but his refusal to apologise speaks volumes.

Considering he previously cheated on you as well, he's not the best is he.

His refusal to acknowledge how you feel, just shows he doesn't care and isn't the one to be with for life.

in some ways the fact he won't apologise is harder to deal with than the break up, the fact I mean so little (despite him always telling me how much he loves me, and doing things which showed generally that he was committed to us) that he couldn't or wouldn't acknowledge my feelings.

If we'd split up because I couldn't forgive his past infidelity, well that's something I was kind of prepared for. But not this.

I don't know how I feel about therapy right now, everything just feels like such a mess and I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. Overeating helped for a bit but now I just feel disgustingly fat, so that makes me feel worse!

although I have just reread some messages we exchanged and it reassured me that I had been really clear with him that he needed to apologise and that he refused to do so or even acknowledge there was anything to apologise for because he said there was fault on both sides, if I shout at him, he'll shout back louder etc.
I dont think theres any more I could have done. Much as I love him I cant overlook what he did especially as he doesnt see anything wrong in it.

Split just before lockdown, had both been very poorly prior to lockdown so hadn't seen each other for a few weeks prior to that (ldr)
I should be over it by now and thought I was but he kept getting in contact and other stuff in my life was stressful so I started to enjoy chatting to him then I realised how much it was affecting my head and finally blocked him everywhere
I veer between all the emotions but I know i made the right decisions, he has lied throughout our relationship and never accepts any responsibility even while trying numerous times to get me back.
It's hard, I cry a lot and rage every now and then.
I'm in therapy and the therapist reckons it takes the best part of a year to get over a relationship, especially when it has ended messily and is attached to trauma and other events and where you experience the crashing disappointment of having been lied to constantly by someone who now feels like a stranger!

Hello!

I went through a break up nearly a fortnight ago.

Whilst the circumstances are different, I have taken a lot of strength out of creating a list of all the things I don't have to put up with now I'm single/not with that person. I'm also actively planning what my life will be like when normalcy resumes- things I couldn't do with my ex in the picture.

My list goes a bit like this: "I don't have to justify why you want certain things in my home"; "I don't have to feel neglected from their social media accounts", "I don't have to be interrupted when I'm talking"... i could go on and on!

Even if it's someone you're really missing, I'm sure you can think of things that will be infinitely better now you're not in that relationship. In moments of weakness you can look at that list and remind yourself why NC is a good idea.

Someone who deserves the title of best friend would apologise when they had done you wrong...

Sorry you're both going through this too 😔

Famous, my ex wanted to stay friends too. I knew I couldn't do that, I think it made it easier because the way he'd behaved to me wasn't how a friend should behave.

Mochizzy, I'm trying to remind myself of the negatives. Sometimes that's easier to do than others, I do find if I think anything about him my mind wanders to the positive.

In some ways this situation is helping; we were going to go on holiday this summer I was doing some research on it in early March, but held off from booking and obviously now no one's going anywhere. So at least I'm not missing out on that. Although I do think if we'd not been stuck together for weeks we probably would still be together. But if I mean so little to him as I clearly do, would I want to be with him not knowing that? No, not really.

OP I’m honestly so impressed with your boundary setting. You’ve absolutely done the right thing and his refusal to apologise tells you all you need to know (plus i would have dumped for the infidelity alone or the “poke” alone, so please don’t ever think you should accept these things either).

Breakups are always so painful when you thought they were the one, but the truth is that you haven’t lost “the one” - you just mistakenly thought he was the one when he actually wasn’t. It’s an easy mistake to make and hard to admit to yourself but you have given yourself the best present here - the opportunity to find the right person rather than being tied to the wrong one.

In your position I would think “right, I’ve spent enough time feeling sorry for myself and eating my feelings and now it’s time for a change”. I would write down all the things you want in your next partner (please start the list with 1) is faithful, 2) is never physically aggressive, 3) apologises when in the wrong!) and then think of all the things you want to do for YOU. That might be starting a healthier lifestyle by focusing on cooking healthy but tasty new recipes, it might be starting a new lockdown hobby or reconnecting with an old friend. Oh and also please pamper yourself a lot! Long bubble baths, nice moisturiser, your favourite healthier meal/drink, Reading your favourite book. Time to get back into the self-love and before you know it the tears will have stopped and lockdown will be over, meaning you can have a fresh start

Thank you - we did split up for several months over the infidelity; part of the reason we got back together was because his parent was dying (terminal illness diagnosed out of the blue, they passed within 4 weeks) - both of us had one of those 'life's too short' moments.

And despite all that, this is where we've ended up.

I've got a cupboard full of toiletries (face masks, those foot things that make your feet peel, exfoliating scrubs, luxury moisturisers, that kind of stuff) which I rarely get round to using. Am going to make time to do 2 or 3 different things each week. And I'm going to try and do more exercise as I've dropped that off in recent weeks and I think it's really affecting my MH and my energy levels (which are really low).

I think him poking you in a discussion is a problem and you were right to call him out on it. Next step, what, a grab of the wrist to get his point won?

And you've been through a lot and what he did was suspiciously like what you've been through and still he wont back down and admit wrong doing?

You were right to end it. In the behaviour itself and his subsequent no contact, he has shown you that he's not a good choice.

I'm sorry though, I know it sucks. But you did right xxx

And your idea of some self care is absolutely spot on xx

Yes - he said well I've never hit you, I'd never hit you, I never have hit a woman.

But I said to him that my Ex many many years ago was the same, he'd never hit anyone before he hit me.

Everyone starts somewhere.

I completely accept sometimes things go too far, and you realise immediately. I've said things in an argument sometimes and thought I shouldn't have said that. And instantly felt remorse and apologised. Or sometimes a day later. But the issue for me here more than it happening was his reaction. He couldn't see it was wrong, why it upset me. And even not understanding why it upset me, surely the fact I WAS upset should have meant something?

But no, he accused me of ridiculous feminist principles and said I'd have a lonely life. Cheers. Nice way for someone who loves you to behave, isn't it?!

hard now but just try to be thankful that he showed his true colours before it was too late.

You sound strong and lovely OP - I wish you all the best.