My mum is guilt tripping me and controlling - did I do the right thing?

[CandleFlames]

I’m 25 and have had my first baby nearly four weeks ago. Since having him, I haven’t seen any friends or family due to the lockdown and from the day lockdown was introduced (and before that, really) I was in self-isolation with my partner as much as possible, only leaving the house for hospital appointments as I was high risk, so we got online food deliveries etc to make sure we were only making essential trips.

My pregnancy was difficult, I had gestational diabetes and pregnancy induced hypertension and after a week of reduced movements I had a csection at 38 weeks. Afterwards was scary, he didn’t cry and had intermittent grunting and they thought he had an infection, he was also withdrawing from mental health medication I was on so was very shaky, so we were kept in for three days. Luckily he had no infection and he was okay to go home. Hospital was hard as i was very scared and felt very alone with my partner only being able to visit for an hour a day. Obviously I know that so many other women are going through this too so I’m not special case.

Me and my mum have always had a very toxic relationship. We’re either super close or not taking, I’m always trying to please her and she talks down to me and treats me like a child a lot. During my pregnancy she was hard work. My partner had at first wanted an abortion as it was unplanned and he was scared, but after a couple of weeks was fine and wanted to be a dad. After this my mum made comments about how she’d love to tell my son when he’s older that my partner wanted an abortion and that he hadn’t wanted him. She also asked me to go to a solicitor to get grandparental rights to my son so that if anything happened to me my partner couldn’t have him. Obviously I said no. She did things such as putting up posts about my pregnancy but in weird ways; she told me she wanted other people to ask her if she was having a baby so that she could say ‘no I’m going to be a granny’. She told me she’d be disciplining my son how she saw fit in her house and if I didn’t like it don’t come over. She invited her friends to go for a walk with just her and my son when he’s here; even though I didn’t know who this friend was. When I told her I would get child care for my son when he was older so I could return to work, she said that was absolutely not happening and he’d be going to her. She demanded to me in my csection even though I told her I didn’t want to be at the hospital, I wanted it to be just me and my partner, eventually she sat me down and said ‘your dad and I have decided your partner should be in the csection with you (as if it was her choice) and then said ‘but I will be holding him first after you and your partner because I deserve that and I’ll be so pissed off if anyone meets him before me.’

I’m actually glad the lockdown happened when it did because it’s been nice to have a break!

Since having my baby it’s been even odder. We FaceTime her and she will tell me my son just wants to meet her and knows her voice and is smiling at her (when he has wind lol). If he starts crying she will say it’s because he wants to see her to make me feel guilty. She has posted photos of my son that I have taken at home and caption them ‘He’s smiling for granny’. She has uploaded a profile photo of her when she was pregnant years ago.

She decided to ‘self isolate’ seven weeks ago and hasn’t left the house even though dad is still working and my sister is too. She refused to take my two younger siblings out at all so they have been stuck in the house for seven weeks. She heard lockdown might be somewhat lifted this week and messaged me to say I’ll get to see my grandson soon.

Last night my partner and I had a chat and decided that we were going to carry on isolating from people until our son has at least had his 8 week jabs. We want to see what happens when lockdown is relaxed and don’t want to jump into outings too soon in case things get worse again. I told her this because I didn’t want her to expect to see him.

She hung up on me and started posting online about how she had self isolated for nothing. She then texted me saying she had done it all for me, even though I had never asked her to, in fact I encouraged her to go for walks. She told me she’s the only one that’s done it properly and that me and my partner had not been following guidelines anyway for going for a few short walks around an empty pond. She has told me her kids have been locked in for seven weeks because of me. I have never asked her to self isolate and have encouraged her to take her children for walks. She has made me feel really bad, saying how she thought she’d be seeing her grandson so it was all for nothing and now her children have suffered because of it.

She’s since texted me being really blunt and rude, and so I have told her it’s best we don’t speak for a while if she is going to continue being like this. She just replied ok. It’s the first time I’ve ever stood up to her and I don’t know how to feel about it but I don’t want my son to grow up with a complex like I have. I’m in therapy for issues with my mum, and my therapist is really proud of me for making this progress. But I know my mum is going to end up using all of this against me and tell others that I am keeping her grandson away from her to make me seem awful. So what do I do? Do I keep my distance from her? Contact her in a few weeks to FaceTime my son? I just don’t know where to go from here.

I actually feel quite sorry for her. She’s obviously been really excited about meeting her grandson and has self-isolated well (along with your son’s aunties & uncles) and now you’ve said no.
Now don’t get me wrong.....her behaviour has been extreme and I don’t blame you in the slightest for having concerns.

You have done the right think .keep talking to your therapist . keep.putting your family first , keep being firm . all bullies back down once they realise they no longer have any power . she has more to loose by cutting contact from you so I doubt she will . You are not responsible for her happiness , you are not responsible for the consequences of any of her decisions she makes .

enjoy your baby , your partner and the distance from her nagging voice , that lockdown gives you .
you should be proud of yourself , you are doing a fantasticly

remember, your little family .

I mean this kindly, why are you still in contact with this person? She is mental and is threatening to tell your tiny son that his dad was talking about abortion while he was in the womb... why would you facilitate your son having FaceTime calls with her?

Her approval isn't important. What's important is your DS and giving him space to grow up away from horrible, cruel, ridiculous people like this woman.

I know my mum is going to end up using all of this against me and tell others that I am keeping her grandson away from her to make me seem awful

I know how to solve this one! Block her on all forms of media. Decide that you don't want her in your son's life or your life for that matter. If flying monkeys come round saying "ooh, you are blocking your mother from seeing her grandchild" then you can say "Yes. That's right I am." Then they might say you are a big poo poo head meanie and you will ignore them. Then they will go away. It might take a few months for the flying monkeys to properly go away.

I have a toxic mother. The above works.

If nothing else, block and embrace being her bad guy. It is liberating.

I agree OP she is very controlling.
Two ideas:

1. Stop telling her about things you and your partner discuss. There is no way she should have been told that initially he wasn’t sure about being a dad. She’s already weaponised that against you both. Anything you confide in her she will likely weaponise again to drive a wedge between you two and make you feel bad/guilty. She should only be told the final decision you have both made. You need to keep your private life private from her. This way you and your partner have a united front.

2. Yes, I would limit contact and most importantly hold your ground on your decisions. Your son is your child, not hers. She has zero say in how you raise him, whether you use childcare, when you go back to work, etc. Her behaviour is very manipulative and she has been emotionally blackmailing you with her self isolating stunt. You can’t reward that behaviour by giving in to her.

Congratulations.

You cannot please her. I was 36 before I realised this, no matter how hard you try you cannot please her. So I stopped trying. Awh the relief, I now make duty phone calls every now and then and haven't actually seen her since some time last year, cannot remember when. The relief is amazing. She used to "punish" me by not talking to me when I "disobeyed" her or voiced opinions different to hers. You cannot make her happy, stop trying.

People who do not have this kind of toxic mother have no idea what it is like.

You stick to your guns, my mother now sees my DC about 3 or 4 times a year for about 30 minutes at a time, it was 3 or 4 times a week but she pushed me away but not "allowing" me to be my own person.

The best thing to do is not give a flying fuck what she tells complete strangers about you. If someone contacts you just say that they she never told you she was self isolating for that reason, that you thought she was doing it for her own reasons and in fact you specifically told her not to be so isolating.

Continue to not speak to her and research how to grey rock when you eventually do (a way of communicating where you don’t give a toxic person any information to use against her.)

Block her for now, enjoy your baby and enjoy the silence.

This is the way it goes with a lot of toxic parents.

Their child gets pregnant, and they ramp up the crazy and the attempts to control.

But their child finds that having their own child, who they need to defend, is the strength they need to start saying No.

You've made a great start OP.

If you let her be in your child's life, she will abuse them too, and try her best to turn them against you and for her.

Think seriously about no contact.

I saw your thread on AIBU and agree with PP. Go low contact or no contact with this horrible person. You're a mum now and need to protect your wee boy from feeling how you do.
I have a twin sister who treated me like your mum treated you. I let her. then I had my son and finally saw that she was treating him the same way she treated me-like shit.
I went no contact-blocked on media/phones and ignored all flying monkeys. Bloody hard some of the horrid things she said about me. but it was worth it for my child. He's happy, confident and not anxious like me. By protecting him from the narcissist in my life, I changed the cycle.
Please seriously consider going no contact. For your child's sake. I'm glad you have a therapist-they can help you.
Good luck and enjoy your new baby!!

Why have you posted this thread twice?

The best advice that I was given when I was about to get married was that my husband and I and any children we have now come first. Parents, siblings, grandparents, friends are still important, but you put your little unit first. Do whatever's best for YOUR family - to hell with everyone else.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe Nope I can judge you and that's an asinine post you've made

Your baby is YOURS. Not a toy. Not a weapon. The photo of her being pregnant shows how sick in the head she actually is. She is feeding on attention. Any kinds of attention she can get. Positive/negative - doesn’t matter. She makes decisions and doesn’t take responsibility for the results. I think you can assume that anyone with a relationship with you can form one independently of your mother. She is not the gatekeeper between you and everyone else (except her kids - sorry.) They probably know exactly what she’s like. If they believe you’re being malicious, that’s on them. If they want to talk to you about it, just say “She was too much, and I want to leave there, thanks.” and change the subject. (Don’t let them report back to her.)

You have posted about your mum before haven't you? She doesn't get any better. Use this lockdown to continue to get distance from her and go low or no contact

Firstly, well done for the way you’ve handled this so far. You’ve just undergone one of the most rewarding and yet stressful life events during an unprecedented time of uncertainty. Either one places a crazy burden on you as a human. Your mother should be supporting you but sounds like the child in all this. The fact you’re putting your child first despite all this pressure and nonsense from her is both right and admirable. I think you’re doing an amazing job and have done your very best to be courteous yet fair and firm in the face of appalling behaviour on her part. I think an honest conversation about her behaviour and proactive setting of ground rules is the only chance of turning this around - help her see how she can be involved going forward and keep doing as you’re doing and setting realistic expectations - but at the end of the day this baby is yours and your partners and not hers and so you guys are the decision makers not her. I get her eagerness to seethe baby but the reality is that it’s always been your choice when that happens and the risks are so great just now I totally hear you on playing it safe. I’m due in 5 weeks and we cancelled my partners parents coming to visit (they live in France) and they’ve been thoroughly decent about it. And I’ve told my parents (20 mins away) it’ll be at least 8 weeks after before they meet baby subject to the risk status at that point. They’re sad but said they’d never forgive themselves if they did lead to an infection for baby. This is normal behaviour. Your mother needs to grow up and show you the respect and support you deserve for being an awesome new mama. Stay strong. You’re a good human being doing your best as compassionately as you canin tough times so don’t let her make you feel any different. And best of all that makes you a wonderful role model for your new baby.

I really feel for you OP having a toxic mother is the worst! When you have a new baby you should be able to reach out to your mum for emotional support and you just can't ! Definately do the grey rock method as mentioned above if you can't cut off completely ! Your lovely little man is the perfect reason to stand up to this person you cannot have him thinking that this is normal ! I have in the last couple of weeks done this and wow it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders she used to contact me everyday and put all her stress and worry onto me even though I'm heavily pregnant and pleaded with her not to ..... guess what shes fine ! They make you feel so guilty but they soon move on if you tell them no !
Best of luck for the future with your little family x

It will be hard for you to do it, but you need to have a bit of a showdown with your Mother now. She seems to have the most peculiar mind set about all things, and she has no rights to be saying all these things to you. You just have to have your own little family unit now, and totally ignore what your Mother is saying. To an outsider, she sounds a little unhinged. You don't have to actually fall out with her, but advise her not to carry on like this. She might actually shut up, with some positive talking from you.

I recommend you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. You’ll find it a great help.

Enjoy the peace and your family.