I have been the sole provider: is enough finally enough?

[SoundsOff]

Dear Wise Women
I have been married for two and a half decades. I am at a point where I am asking myself why I have put up with this marriage for so long. Eternal optimist? Total doormat? You tell me.....
For over ten years, my DH has been, erm, working from home, but with no real income. This working from home schtick has meant he has been encamped at the dining room table, mostly with his back to the world, developing computer software. On top of the "working from home, but zero income" bit, he was always a bit crap at doing an equal share of housework, and the brutal, sticky end of child rearing has been mostly on my shoulders. Ironically, he will always claim that he is a "modern man" who does his share of the housework (guffaw). Imho, he cherry-picks the jobs he is prepared to do, whilst leaving the rest to..... yep, guess that would be me then. But enough about the kitchen sink.

What has been getting to me for a long time now is that he has completely, utterly abdicated financial responsibility for many years. He is a very well educated person, and had a good job for nearly 20 years, which he quit when a major company re-development changed his role drastically. Prior to that, he was already unhappy in his job; consequently I supported his decision to quit his job. After all, if he was grumpy at and because of work, it was only going to translate into a grumpy DH at home. When I supported him to go for voluntary redundancy, I did not foresee that I would be taking on years and years of being the sole breadwinner, as well as doing more than a fair share of household duties.

Naturally, I have raised the matter that housework should be distributed more equally.... with no tangible, lasting success. Rest assured that I have also spelled out how deeply unhappy I am about his hands-off approach to earning a contributory income. He will get quite defensive, arguing that he is working very hard on his software, and whilst I appreciate that money is not everything (as he is fond of telling me during our arguments), I am exasperated that he thinks he can continue to fob me off with "jam tomorrow" concepts.

I am now at the point that I want us to split. As this situation has not arisen overnight, I have previously asked him to go to mediation, but he has always declined. I am now beyond the point of wishing to seek mediation, I feel that I have lost all respect for him and just want our marriage to end. But how? He is not in a financial position to move out. If I move out, I still have to pay for the mortgage, which seems ludicrous.

Speaking of money: in order to keep going, I had to do two part-time jobs, which amounted to more stress than 1 full-time job, and which nearly drove me crackers. I appealed to him repeatedly to step up and help, but got more "jam tomorrow" assurances. I felt like the proverbial frog in the pan of water, not jumping out but getting slowly boiled to death. The pressure of work, household and financial worries really got to me. When voluntary redundancies came up, I saw that as an opportunity to break the spell. I have now had some time to decompress from work; I have read a couple of good self-help books about staying or leaving, reflected on the state of our marriage and decided that I want out. So, where are we now? Short answer: in some kind of weird stale-mate. I have suggested that I want to sell the house and split the money between us. He rejects this, telling me that I don't really mean this. Believe me, I do.
What can I do? I have tried getting in touch with Relate, but it seems difficult to get to speak to anyone there. DH will not go, but I am hoping for a 1-stop-shop for advice. Meanwhile, solicitors are scarily expensive, likely to consume savings from the redundancy pay-out.

Many thanks for the time you are taking to read this - apologies it's been a bit of a ramble, but I wanted to put a bit of context around the situation. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I would love to hear from you.

Not lost going to childcare. Just pretends to be crap at it so he can get out of it.
A total mouthbreather

I think you've reached a point in your life where you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy with your life and it sounds like this marriage isn't doing it for you as it currently is. If your husband made changes would you consider giving it another go?

If he's self employed he has to be registered for tax, does he have an accountant, can you ask to see his tax return. I'm hoping a solicitor will tell you what paperwork you need.

Gosh you should definitely hold on to him, otherwise he’ll be snapped up in no time by someone else...
Then you’ll be free to live the life you truly deserve without a deadweight around your neck.

I divorced mine after he’d been “starting his own business” for nearly 10 years. We sold the house and split the capital and I lost some of my pension. He got a job 4 months after we split and is still working 18 months on. I’m SO much happier without him!!

Previous posters are right OP. You don't need his permission or his agreement. It may feel alien and strange but you can call the shots and make this happen. Don't wait for his approval. Good luck, you can do it!!

Mediation definitely doesn't mean Relate. My late H and I agreed finances without any problems (he was an alcoholic and was emotionally abusive, but oddly enough he was completely reasonable about finances) and there was no requirement for mediation.

Forget about Relate, @SoundsOff. That ship has sailed

Gather all your financial documentation: house deeds, mortgage, bank statements, investments, pensions (can be very valuable!), tax returns (vital since he is 'self-employed'...) - every last bit that relates to money.

You'll also need your marriage certificate and children's birth certificates.

Read up about the divorce process: Wikivorce forum, Divorce for Dummies, The Which Guide to Divorce etc.

Find a competent family solicitor - do NOT try to do this on your own. You can do much of the legwork, but you need to have legal advice to ensure that you are not missing anything. If you have any kind of assets or pensions, it will be money well spent.

And don't look back

Hi OP

Sounds like you’re having a really hard time.

To get your thoughts clearer you might find this article (called Map Of Relationships) useful reading:

www.alturtle.com/archives/105

It sounds a bit like you are at Door#2 having been in a Power Struggle for years. (Phew...)

This seems a very common scenario, also mine...I had a wake up before hitting Door #3.

I started trying Validation and Sharing and Pulling and Gentle Listening and Setting Boundaries...none of which my parents taught me...to my relief my partner appreciated my initiatives. Our relationship has really improved.

If you & your partner is willing to keep trying...maybe worth a go

Out of curiosity, have you ever not earned in the last 25 years?

If you don't divorce now, this will go on forever

Start the divorce for " unreasonable behaviour"

Better to be on your own, than live with someone who doesn't pull their weight or appreciate you

I'm in a similar situation - the sole earner and always have been for the decade we've been together. He was studying but finished his PhD at the end of last year. Whilst doing that he did at least get a stipend. The thing is I'm a high earner so he's always been comfortable and never felt any pressure to get a job.

We have two children aged 7 and 4. He will share bedtimes and cooking but that is about it; I have requested him to pull his weight with the housework until I'm blue in the face. On top of this he doesn't really show affection and rarely wants to do anything as a couple. Its crunch time for us and as of last week we are sleeping in separate rooms. I'm trying to decide how to proceed - go for mediation or just file for divorce due to unreasonable behaviour. I don't think there is a way back for us even though I am so sad for my children. I'm going to see a therapist to help me make these decisions. Good luck OP. Life is too short to be miserable. I try to picture myself happy and free in the future...

How old are your children? Do they l very in the house?

Do you have a joint account? I'd be putting an end to that. Make sure your salary and your redundancy payment is in your own personal account.

@HighdosevitaminD - The aim of mediation is not reconciliation, it is meant to facilitate a financial settlement without going to court. Court is very expensive, so you want to avoid that if at all possible.

@SoloMummy
I have always had an income during the 25 years of our marriage (and before). When the kids were smaller, I changed career from a f/t job in broadcasting in London to working a "half a job" on a p/t basis in a university town. I then stoked up the half post by taking on extra incremental increases, until I had effectively two half posts with the same employer: one half permanent 0.5 post, the other temporary contracts for the other 0.5. The temporary nature of the contracts made me feel quite stressed about the financial situation at home, as we would have been totally sunk on the 0.5 substantive / permanent salary alone.

@SeriouslyRetro and a couple of other posters asking about kids / ages:
Our kids are adults, both in their early 20s now. One has been living away from home since uni, and is doing fine, by which I mean lovely and quite independent. The other is still living at home, and certainly not independent. There are problems and tensions there (nothing diagnosed, but there is something not quite sorted - but does not want to seek help / GP / therapy etc). Anyway, I don't want to muddy the waters here, I know kids need support and help into adulthood (which I am prepared to support, up to a point...), but I am just no longer prepared to extend that nurturing care to DH, who is well into middle-age. ;-)

Hi SoundsOff, you can get a MIAM appointment for yourself and get it signed off for court if the other person doesn't want to attend, then lodge the papers to start divorce proceedings. So don't let that hold you up. It only needs to go to hearing if you don't agree finances or he contests your grounds. Have to say the feeling of relief getting shot of someone who has become a dead weight is priceless. So good luck and happy future life to you.

I didn’t do mediation for my divorce. I told exH that I didn’t want to be married to him anymore and asked him to move to our caravan for a fortnight so we could consider options. At the end of that I said I wanted a divorce, was happy to split the money 50:50 and the kid 50:50 and to do the paperwork if he didn’t contest. He agreed. I saw a solicitor and filed for divorce on the grounds of exHs unreasonable behaviour (I offered to let him file against me for unreasonable instead but he doesn’t like paperwork). I told him what I’d write... he didn’t really like it but, as I pointed out, if he wanted to get the money splitting bit with anything left to split then we’d better not end up in court. He signed, I did the financial agreement with my solicitor and we took 1 car each, I bought him out of half the caravan, we sold the house and split the equity down the middle, I gave him a share of my pension. He didn’t argue. We didn’t bother with a court order for DD, we don’t argue about contact.

Altogether it took 6 months and was bloodless. He got a wodge of cash, I kept my salary, I downsized and moved 20 mins away to be in the same village as my family. He got a job and rented a flat. I now save a huge amount each month from my salary that he doesn’t fritter away. I also get to choose what’s on TV and what to eat and not pick up his socks.... it was a bargain in my opinion!!!