I think I'm just needing a second opinion.. I dont have friends here (I moved away from my birth town) no family.. or anyone tbh I can confide in..
Weve been married since 2004 and we were both young 20 and 24.. we met in 2002 and we decided I'd move away and make a go at a relationship as we didnt want to leave it there.. we fell pregnant and then got married in 2004 and are still to this day and are now three kids in.. I love him completely but lately have been feeling like for possibly most of our marriage he was quiet in control.. I've been on a personal development since last year and I've been noticing things I ignored before, or questioned before and told was wrong..
I always felt he always had the final say on things like money and decisions etc as he always made me feel like my ideas or opinions were always wrong or silly..when it came to big decisions and would never work.. and I've always believed his way was best.. he knew best.. and since this journey I've really started to question it all.. and it's made me feel a bit strange.. a bit stupid to be honest..
I stayed at home to raise the kids whilst he worked and put food on the table.. very 50s
Just little things are playing on my mind like for an eg. I remeber talking about him pitching in when he came home from work and although he never came out and said it, it was I work so he shouldn't need to when he comes home.. it was always he worked so I did everything with the kids house cleaning cooking etc and he paid the Bill's and worked and so I shouldn't complain or expect him to help.. I've always felt like he should of help put kids to bed or changed a nappy but there was always an excuse not to .. ie I work..
I suppose this lockdown has highlighted it for me as hes been off work and I managed to get a part time job so we can still have some money coming in to help.. it's been amazing for me having a job and spend time with my family.. but for him I think hes struggling now..and has decided to go bk into work the days I'm off to get time for himself.. even though hes not supposed to, he is anyway..hes had a lot of time to think and I think hes realised I didnt have it so easy.. his words the other night was I'm so tired i want to go to work tomorrow for a break.. although hes enjoed it he couldn't of done it for the length I did.. its made me feel a bit happy hes realised how hard it was.. but also a bit annoyed for the way he made me feel about it when i spoke to him years prior.. I knew deep down he should of done more when home, but felt convinced otherwise..I feel annoyed also because I felt isolated and depressed for so long.. I always felt guilty if I were to get a job or do something as little as go away on a girly night out or weekend in fear of coming home to everything upside down.. after week 5 in lockdown he was very down within himself and it was because he was stuck in and I'd listened to him and tried to make him feel better because I knew how it felt but a part of me just wanted to vent and say out loud now you know how I felt all those years bit at least you've got friends to talk too I only had you!. I didnt of course.. i listened.. I made him feel better and listened like I just wanted him too..
I'm sorry if I'm going on a bit I've got all these memories of gut feelings the i knew was right and always being told I was wrong I guess is making me feel a little resentment toward him, 😪