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Relationships

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Original poster

Feeling guilty.. what should I do?

12 replies

Felicityfi16 · 04/05/2020 16:13

I have a DP who I have been with for 1 and a half years and we have a DD together who is 8 months. I’ve been in 3 relationships. My first I was with for 1 and a half years and fell out of love with him (he wasn’t very nice to me and his family were vile). I had a friend who I would talk to regularly whilst with my ex and ended up with feelings for him. I left my 1st relationship for him. We were together for 5 months and I realised I was still in love with my ex and only really liked this one as a best friend. I ended up talking to my ex again as I had to give back some of his belongings and we fell for each other again. (In a way I think it was more sexual than being in love and wanting to go back to the way we were before). I started seeing ex1 again straight away and really shut out and was quite mean to ex2 because he was so nice I couldn’t leave him and I felt this was the only way I could cut him out. After getting back with ex1 it quickly didn’t work.
I got with my babies father pretty soon after and love him lots and we are still together but argue A LOT!
I’m on maternity leave so have been reflecting on my life a lot and I feel this urge to apologise to my 2nd ex (The one who I felt was more of a best friend) for the way I treated him. I feel awful and really guilty and kind of felt like I used him and was horrible to him as I was so immature I didn’t know how to end it. He was really in love with me so I think this makes me feel really guilty too. We share Some of the same friends and are in a group chat together which is the real reason why all of this guilt has come back.

Should I apologise to him and leave it there or should I just leave it? I feel like for me I need to apologise as I feel so guilty but if my DP found out he would be very upset and it would put a massive strain on our relationship. I have no feelings in that way for him anymore so no way would we reconnect but I feel like it would just end that chapter in my life so we can carry on normally and meet up with our mutual friends with both of us being there without any awkwardness.

Please help! Should I message him and apologise for how I was or not?

(Please don’t judge me for how quick I moved on from my relationships as I was very immature!)

Sorry for the massive essay! X

OP posts:

rvby · 04/05/2020 16:30

Given that you tend to fall into relationships with your exes when you get back in touch with them, no, I wouldn't contact him. It is unlikely to make your ex feel better, and I suspect you will keep talking to your ex to try to make him feel better, and then you'll decide you want to go back to you ex, etc. etc. So yeah please don't do that.

Get counselling and learn to deal with your emotions yourself, without involving other people or trying to get their approval. This will also help your current relationship, if you are arguing a lot.

Hippygirlmug · 04/05/2020 20:05

Good grief. Stop richocheting from one ex to another!

user1635482648 · 04/05/2020 20:08

I think you need to focus on the present.

user1635482648 · 04/05/2020 20:09

What does a healthy relationship look like in your mind?

Itsallgonewoowoo · 04/05/2020 20:17

No, leave him alone.

Nancydrawn · 04/05/2020 20:19

Gently, OP, how old are you? It sounds like possibly quite young? (If I have the timeline right, early 20s?)

I generally don't think that you should get in touch with your ex, as it does sound like you tend to see emotional closeness as romantic closeness.

But either way, you should certainly not message him secretly, behind your partner's back. That will almost inevitably blow up in your face, even if your intention is strictly platonic.

I'd concentrate on building healthy boundaries and thinking carefully about what you want from a relationship. If you and your partner do splitand I have no reason to think you willI would suggest taking a good deal of time before you get into another one. Moving around quickly between relationships means that you don't really know who you are or what you want on your own, as an individual person.

CodenameVillanelle · 04/05/2020 20:21

How long were you with your partner for when you got pregnant?

CodenameVillanelle · 04/05/2020 20:21

Not that that's relevant to your question but a couple who argues a LOT and didn't actually have any time getting to know each other before getting pregnant is a bit of a red flag

WickedlyPetite · 04/05/2020 20:34

No.

You're in an already rocky relationship with your current partner, and you want to be chatting to an ex to make yourself feel better.

Bad idea.

Kay2theT · 04/05/2020 20:40

Leave it alone. You feel guilty and you need to reconcile that in your head without involving your ex. We all do things that we are not proud of and it is our responsibility to learn from these occasions.
You have a relationship now that sounds like it needs work. Arguing all the time is not healthy and definitely shows that there is something not working, whether it is communication or compromise or just actually knowing each other.
If the timeline is correct you concieved right at the beginning of your new relationship, so it may have been a bit of a surprise.
A relationship is a partnership and you need to be on the same page and have an understanding and appreciation for one another. Especially when a kid is involved.

Confused866 · 04/05/2020 20:48

I would. I think people can be left hurt and wondering what they did wrong after a relationship ends and that can affect them for years, so if you can apologise to him and explain it wasn’t his fault and you wish you’d handled it better that might mean a lot to him and help him going forward. I’ve had similar apologies from 2 exes (years later) and I really appreciated it. It put to bed those niggling feelings of self doubt.

Original poster

Felicityfi16 · 04/05/2020 22:41

Thank you so much to the people who have replied with constructive feedback and not just commented on my age as a mother. My baby is loved and very well looked after by both parents so it’s irrelevant how long we were together before she was conceived.

@Hippygirlmug If you read the post properly it was once, not like I was bouncing back and forth numerous times. Yes, it wasn’t a great decision of mine but as I said I was young and immature. If you have nothing constructive or nice to say please don’t say it :)

I have decided I will not message my ex as the last thing I want to do is upset DP and ruin my relationship. If we happen to bump into each other (which we might as we share many of the same friends) I will apologise for the way I acted then.

OP posts:

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