Toxic Mother.

[PollyBlue6]

Hi everyone.
Could do with some help and advice really.
It's a long story but to keep it short both of my parents are toxic. My dad died a few years, he was a very controlling man and emotionally abusive.
My mom was his enabler and now, I realise/remember she was like it too.
She has met a new man, who has the same characteristics as my dad. Shock.

She has pretty much disowned me because we don't get along. Just like my dad, he doesn't like that I dont do as I'm told, he doesn't like that I have an opinion and my own way of thinking.
He has insulted her weight, her face, he's commented on my figure and so on.
She has sponged off myself and husband for years, we have looked after her, cooked for her and so on...

There is of course alot more.
I'm thankful she has left us alone and we are free to get on with our life.

I'm about to buy Toxic Parents book. I looked into it abit last night and I'm in shock, I'm a walking cliche.
I have always looked for their approval, when I was a child I had no opinion, I was talked for, I didn't have a voice, I was never told i was good at anything...I'm sure you know the rest.

I'm 30 years old, married with 2 children and i feel like I've been programmed by them. How do I fix me?!
Since all this happened I've been so anxious, full of guilt and just want to be forgiven.
But I haven't done anything, and it's the first time in my life I have stepped back.

I'm glad she has removed herself from us but I need help and advice on how to fix myself and heal.

Could anyone offer any advice? Thank you if you've read this far.

Dear OP, I am interested in why you feel that you need 'fixing' when you sound like you are pretty competent in your dealings with other people and have a kind heart to boot. You have your own opinions, can voice them and stand up for yourself and others and recognise when someone is harmful for you to be around and can withdraw to protect yourself. That's all very healthy. The things that you describe from that book are NORMAL behaviours from children growing up in that environment who have extremely limited options in how they cope because they MUST remain attached to the primary caregiver/s. Have you identified with aspects of your mother and now repeating those behaviours? If you are then you need some support but if not I suspect this is more a process of understanding what was done to you as a child and the way children cope with abuse. There will also be an element of grieving for your lost childhood which is a very emotional and demanding process and you need to be very kind to yourself along the way.

Thank you for replying.

I definitely do not treat my children the way I was treated. I have (hopefully) broke the cycle.

Yes understanding what was done to me, I didn't have a dreadful childhood but I don't think it was normal or ok.i had counselling years ago and was told it would be a good idea to move away from my parents, of course I didn't listen. Wish I had now!

I do have Anxiety which was caused by my parents.
I definitely feel an obligation to her to apologise and put things right. I have done as I'm told my whole life for fear of silent treatment or disapprovel and since this has happened I feel mini waves of panic and anxiety.

Is this normal? Is it normal to feel anxious/panicky? I do not want her back in our life. I feel like I'm growing as a person already and my eyes are open WIDE.
I think I'm in FOG, does it sound so?
I have trouble sleeping too.

I have a fantastic husband who supports me and friends who have either been in the same boat with their parents or who support me because they know what's happened.