I miss him so much

[Listless2020]

My boyfriend and I broke up last summer. I was devastated. A few months later he reached out wanting to be friends which I agreed to but I realised after a while I couldn’t do it.

We spoke and I said I still loved him, he was very teary but made it clear he didn’t want to be with me. I said that was fine but I couldn’t stay in contact and would have to block him on everything and try to move on but that he could email me if he needed to. He said fine.

Since then I’ve felt so sad and even now 4 months on I miss him terribly. I’ll never get in touch with him. I have too much self respect - what’s left of it - and I don’t want to be with him if he doesn’t want to be with me. I know that if I contacted him and we got back together I’d always think at the back of the mind he had never reached out and didn’t care as much. But I spend most days wishing he would contact me but I know he never will and I just feel so sad about it all.

How you're feeling is quite natural, it can take a long time to get over someone you really loved and at this time, being on your own so much, you will dwell on it even more.

Let the tears flow, they are healing. I promise it will pass eventually and better things are ahead.

PS: You are quite right not to be friends, it rarely works, especially so soon after a relationship break up. You are doing really well.

Thank you for replying. I know you’re right. It wouldn’t have worked for us to be friends. I just miss him a lot.

You're grieving. Grief of a relationship is a very real thing. You need to keep in mind that it will get easier. Do yourself a favour and block his email address too. Take that away from him. So you don't find yourself watching and waiting for him to reach out.
Close the book. You won't lose the memories but you can move on with your life.

But how long will it take? Will I always feel this way?

I think it depends what else you have in your life. Now is a very difficult time. Do you have any hobbies? Children? Family?

No I don’t. No children. Very small family and hard to do any hobbies at the moment. My work has also stopped.

But honestly I think I’d feel like this even if that were all going on. It’s silly. I doubt he even thinks of me.

How long was you together?

I guess lockdown is a trying time for us all and opens us up to over thinking so I guess it would make it worse as you can’t go out and busy yourself with friends/plans.

Keeps strong you’ve done the right thing and very brave of you to cut it off.

As a suggestion, could you download a course for a new skill to learn during lockdown to keep you busy?

We were together about 14 months. I really do miss him very much.

It does all feel very self indulgent though and I feel fed up with myself. Sometimes I think what does it matter. Most people feel like this at some point (or several points) in their life so doesn’t that just make a mockery of it all in any case? The sadness I mean. You go on to feel better or live your life or find someone else so no one is truly indispensable or irreplaceable so then feeling so bereft is just silly because eventually they are replaced or the loss wears off.

You are not self indulgent. It is ok to miss him. I know that feeling.

You won’t always feel this way. Last summer you split up? How long? Why did you split up? I remember my ex left me for another woman. Completely out of the blue. I was devastated l, didn’t see it coming. It took me about a year to even feel normal. (Sorry if that’s hard to hear). Three years on I remember it hurt but can’t feel it. I see regular photos of him and the OW and I’m like shrugs. It took me a while but honestly you WILL get over this

As you say, the heartbreak will fade and actually you will be stronger for having been through this. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to grieve now. It just takes time and there’s not really anything you can do to hurry the process. 14 months is long enough to form a very deep attachment and it could take about as long for the pain to pass. But it will. You’ll suddenly start to realise that you’ve thought less about him on a particular day and/or that the pangs are less intense when you do. Other things will start to seem more important. Other men will start to pique your interest. And you’ll realise you’re starting to be ready to move on.

We split up because we were always arguing. I felt he was thoughtless at times and he was but i was guilty of always comparing him to my ex who I was not over at all before we got together. Lesson well and truly learnt. It was a car crash getting involved with someone else so quickly when I still had emotional ties to my old partner. I’m angry with myself that I allowed myself to let me ex get in the way of that relationship. I spent ten years with someone and they didn’t want me at the end and still I let my loyalty and love for them stop me throwing myself wholeheartedly into a relationship that might have worked.

The sad thing now is I feel I’ve changed and am ready. I don’t know if he has changed - maybe not and he certainly didn’t want to give it another a go which is understandable.

I guess at the beginning I was so wary and had all my defences up but by 14 months I was starting to form a very deep attachment to him.

How are you feeling a few days on @Listless2020