My feelings are annoying and make him angry

[JustBeingMoi]

Just that really. I'm probably quite an emotional person, he has the emotional capability of a screwdriver.

I've started to notice that if I'm anything other than happy, upbeat, cheerful and positive, then we argue. He just cannot take someone feeling sad, or despondent, or lacking in positivity, even if for a short time.

This has been a problem because I have suffered from PND, and struggled with sickness through my pregnancy.

I get upset about things he doesn't understand, and instead of being supportive he gets annoyed that I can't immediately see the upside, or see things his way.

He cannot express emotions at all, which quite apart from meaning he doesnt feel any, just comes across as him being withdrawn, angry or sulking.

I'm fed up with being made to feel my emotions and feelings are wrong and not valid, and being scorned for crying.

It must be tough for you having to put up with that during lockdown. Are you getting help with PND from your doctor? I was given medication and it really helped me.

Hi @HollowTalk thank you. Thankfully I am recovered from it now, but while I was suffering I got no support from my husband at all. I am struggling like most with the current situation. And honestly it just seems to annoy him.

My husband is similar to this, at least externally. I have come to the conclusion that he does feel things but has shut it all off inside because it scares him. He's learned over time that he's the unusual one, not me, and being a logical soul he's adapted his behaviour accordingly. So it can work, but only if your partner is willing to accept that their perception of the world is not the only 'right' one....

Thank you @ContessaferJones. You are right, he is an incredibly logical person, and the issue of him being dismissive of my feelings came up in marriage counselling, but it just doesn't seem to have improved. I'm not someone who will sulk and moap about for ages, but I do get upset about things at times. I do however find it difficult to forgive him, when he has got cross with me about being in his opinion, unnecessary upset. He rarely sees things my way.

@JustBeingMoi..... It's called 'emotional unavailability'. Look it up. There are literally tons of books and articles about it. There is even a book that claims it can be cured. I am very doubtful though.

There is a thread here about a woman (Jamais...) who is divorcing her sulking husband. May be worth your while to track it down.

Thank you @flowerarranger I have seen some of her posts, but I haven't looked for a while. That is very helpful. I will look it up.

Yes I had to have a strong chat with DH about this. I would be sat on the bed crying and at first he would get very defensive even if I wasn’t crying about anything to do with him! He’d say “I haven’t done anything! Why are you crying?!” And I’d be like - “because I’ve fallen out with my friend, as you know!”

Then he switched to trying to make it stop ASAP, so he’d see me crying and say “stop crying; it won’t help!” Which just made me cry even more as all I wanted was a hug!

In the end I had to spell it out to him: if I’m crying because of you then say sorry and let’s talk it out and then hug. If I’m crying for any other reason then give me a hug and then offer a cup of tea/ some chocolate! He’s learnt it now and at first it was very formulaic but he’s improved over time and now will even stroke my head to try to soothe me and won’t say anything about stopping crying. Some people just aren’t emotionally intelligent enough to deal with other people’s sadness.

''Some people just aren’t emotionally intelligent enough to deal with other people’s sadness.''

This is so true.

My mother never allowed me to have an emotion that was my own, and it took me decades to figure it out. I know she won't change, but right now, with so much going on, I don't have the energy for her reality so I'm avoiding her.

If you acknowledge people's feelings then they feel heard and they can carry on feeling heard. If you spend 50 years invalidating somebody's right to their own reality (as my mother has) it just leads to a small talk relationship about the weather and the garden.

Do you think he takes your feelings personally. I am rarely in a poor mood but sometimes if I am it affects my demeanor and dh will ask me if I am ok. I tell him I am under a bit of pressure with work or due my period and once he knows it's not something he did then he is normally ok and will give me space but before we improved our communication he would take my moods personally and react as if they were directed or caused by him.

@MysweetAudrina I try to be quite open about how I'm feeling, so he is aware. I make sure he knows if it is that time of the month, or if something is getting me down. Of course we are each impacted by each others mood, and I would never expect him to tolerate me being grumpy or unpleasant.

When I seriously struggled to cope after three months of Obstretric Colestasis, and the subsequent birth of my son, I told my ex that I was seriously struggling, his answer was to 'pull yourself together'.
Couldn't believe that somebody could be so bloody heartless.

@Tiny2018 I understand what you mean. I'm currently struggling with Endometriosis, Endometrioma in my ovaries, and I'm Anemic. All of which combined make me feel pretty shitty at times. Sometimes he can be quite nice, but if he is annoyed or angry with me, or doesn't see me as deserving of his sympathy, he will withdraw it. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling very dizzy and having palpitations due to being anemic. Because we had had a disagreement earlier that evening, he expressed no concern or sympathy at all!

My DH is exactly the same
I chucked him out the house on sat after an argument which had started with me crying
He hates it. Can't understand it at all . It seems to make him angry
Literally within a few days of my mother dying he was demanding to know why I was crying, and that me being upset was upsetting him and I needed to make him feel better
Try to do my crying in secret now but if he ever catches me then all hell breaks loose

@henryhoover2 that is so awful! I hope you are ok. I don't understand the basic lack of compassion. I hope you are ok. My husband uses the same lines, that I make him miserable, or I'm always miserable. Which isnt at all true in fact maybe it's being around him that makes me miserable!

Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying myself so it's hard when someone else demands an immediate explanation

I think a lot if men are like this tbh. I believe it comes from parents who did not help their boys understand feelings, the whole 'big boys don't cry' and that showing emotions mean you are weak. i grew to serioisly resent him, i am the opposite, tolerant and compassionate, but could not get any back from him. Initially I thought I was the problem, but soon realised that it wasn't the case. The problem is, the longer you stay the more you become desensitized to this behaviour and you end up feeling alone and a burden.
My ex was also occasionally nice but in the end it did not make up for the fact that he was clearly incapable of the intimacy that sharing and caring for feelings brings.

My XH was like that. I used to get whinged at if I felt sad, or expressed a negative thought, or was ill and felt a bit sorry for myself. All things he was allowed to do freely, on top of sulking and the silent treatment. It's bullying and minimisation. I was not important except to make him feel and look good. Notice the X part....

@BobbinThreadbare123. Exactly. I get a lot of stick from him for being unsupportive, and yet always feel I'm on the receiving end of his moods. If he is in a bad mood inevitably that is my fault for being in a bad mood. He has in the past, blamed my hormones for all our relationship problems, and yet if anything I would have said he is the moody one, not me.

Totally get this. With my h it also included whenever me being sick, him magically developing similar symptoms within a few hours because he couldn’t handle me being sick/“off” (Wanted a mummy substitute). This was borderline amusing when I had cystitis pains and within a few hours he claimed similar symptoms I mean really!!!
I feel sure it is that you are expected to be paying attention to him and ready for his needs at all times and he’s angry if that’s not always the case.
It’s awful and shows a self absorbed man.

Most dads don't sit with their little boys and listen to their feelings etc while they cry. Most dads don't cry in front of them at all. If two brothers are playing and one cries, the other is taught to be annoyed that the game has to stop. Mums and daughters / sisters usually comfort each other quite naturally, many "feminine" children's games are to do with managing feelings and dealing with group politics... women learn this stuff early.

When it comes to heterosexual marriages, unfortunately in practice that can mean that the woman helps the man with his feelings, and if the woman ever gets upset, the man's response is "well best be off". Because they don't have the skills, don't understand emotions, and therefore feel at best out of their wheelhouse - at worst, offended and accused.

Your h sounds like one of those OP.

He needs counselling to be educated on emotions, what they feel like in the body, what they mean, their function, and how to be a good witness and friend to someone who is experiencing strong emotions.

If he doesn't do that, he'll probably lose his marriage, maybe he is ok with that - only you know. Many women are similarly emotionally unintelligent, my sister is like this - maybe he needs a partner like that.

My partner is terrible at feelings but is willing to learn. I once explained to him that feelings have a function, they are a data gathering source for what to do in a situation - he was stunned - "I have literally never thought about it like that before, I've always thought they're something you need to get rid of before you can keep doing whatever you were doing" - not a balanced way of moving through life or having relationships... but something that he internalized from childhood.

Have you explained in black and white what you want him to DO when you cry?

Eg. I don't want you to fix it, or ask me questions, I just want you to hug me for 10 minutes and you will help me start feeling better.

If you tell him this and he tries to do it, great, you can both work on improving the relationship.

If you ask him to do this and he still has a go at you, he's a cunt.

@PippaPegg I have really tried. We have had marriage counselling, and even she said he had limited emotional intelligence. I have previously asked him to get individual counselling to help him, but he doesn't this he needs it.

@JustBeingMoi given that you've already floated individual counselling for him and he's not interested, what do you think is the best next step for you?

Have you done individual counselling yourself?

It's worth mentioning that there is something called "alexithymia", where the person does not have the ability to connect their bodily sensations and thoughts to the idea of having an emotion. These people typically can't name emotions, can't explain how they feel, etc. and can't empathise with the emotions of others.

They typically experience life as either being "contented" (not experiencing emotions) or "grumpy/angry" (experiencing any emotion at all - even things like joy or sympathy could be interpreted as being out of control, and therefore the person will shut it down completely and become a nightmare to be around). Sadly, alexithymia is scarily common in men.

This makes counselling almost useless unless the person is willing to do a HELL of a lot of work, for many years, and even then the outcomes aren't great.

Do you want to be married to your husband, if he can't / won't change?