Can furlough vs working put a strain on relationships?

[thepeopleversuswork]

Thinking aloud here and wondering if I'm being a bit harsh or justified. My bf and I don't live together and consequently haven't seen each other for six weeks.

He was furloughed just over a fortnight ago. I'm still working all the hours God sent (from home) and looking after a kid at the same time.

He's basically, as far as I can tell, done nothing except gaming for the past two weeks. I'm absolutely breaking my back to hold down my job, trying to fit in home schooling, keep food on the table, keep everything ticking over.

Clearly its not his fault he's been furloughed and I can't blame him from kicking back a bit. And he can't do anything physical to help at the moment. But when I've been up working since before 6am with at least another eight hours ahead of me and he gets in touch as 11.30 saying "think I might go back to bed" it just grates.

I am super driven at the best of times and I've always felt my survival depends on being able to work harder than anyone else and there's no slack in the system. I have had to fight really hard to raise my kid with no support from her dad or anyone and kind of struggle to respect people who don't feel the same. He's never been flaky or unreliable and he doesn't have his own kids so he doesn't have that imperative, but I just don't respect people who don't push themselves and put structure into their lives.

Things are fine for the moment, he's very sweet and respectful, but I wonder how its going to play out when things start to return to "normal". I'm not sure I'm going to have the patience for someone who wants to spend most of their time in bed playing games.

Am I being harsh?

You’re not mixing households, so what are your expectations and why haven’t you communicated them to him?

Sorry but I think you're being harsh. I totally understand how frustrating it must be when you're so busy and he has so much time on his hands but he doesn't live with you and physically can't help you. Most of the people who have been furloughed won't ever have this much time off work in their whole lives so I don't blame them for making the most of it.

So what do you think he should be doing? Learning a new skill/language/decorating? If I didn't have DD if probably be spending a lot of time watching TV because i 'd feel like I didn't really have much else to do.

You’re being very judgey. That’s ok, it’s who you are but you’re not married, not living together so I’m not sure what you’re expecting from him? What do you want him to be doing? Gardening? It’s lockdown. He can’t go out. He’s supposed to be staying in, which is what he’s doing. Lots of people are sat on their bums watching Netflix. Would that be ok for you? He’s furloughed so he can’t work. He hasn’t deliberately given up his job. He’s not lazy just a victim of a pandemic! He’s probably not sure what to do with himself either. If he’s getting on your nerves maybe you’d be better off not having contact until lockdown eases.

I understand your feelings that it’s unfair, but I think you are blaming him a bit when it’s really really not his fault. He can’t come and help you, and he has nothing to do except gaming so it’s understandable that’s all he’s doing! It’s not his fault your life is hard right now. His life might not be as rosy as you’re painting it as well - I imagine he’s probably feeling anxious and maybe a little depressed like so many people are at the moment!

. I'm on furlough. I have a whole house that needs a good clean and organise and I spend my days on mumsnet, Facebook and not a lot else. I'm quite annoyed with myself for 'wasting' all this time. However, my mood is incredibly low and I can't snap out of it. I'm upbeat on the phone to friends and family but its all an act.
Normally I'm incredibly hardworking and my partner (who I haven't seen either) knows I'm not typically a lazy arse. When I am working I work my backside off and I'm doing a full time degree too.
I certainly don't lack ambition or work ethic when we are not in the middle of a pandemic/lockdown.
You should know him well enough to decide whether this is his normal behaviour.

I think this is a case of grass being greener.

We’re both still working and life is ridiculously stressful right now. I hear people complaining about being bored on furlough and think, goodness if I was furloughed with no work or parenting responsibilities, then I would be using this time so productively, I’d be learning Italian and teaching myself guitar and reading philosophy and doing yoga and meditation every day and my home and garden would be so clean and tidy and organised and my diet would be fantastic and I would be so healthy.... I fantasise that furlough would be like one big long at-home mental health retreat. But in reality people who are furloughed must be experiencing the same stress and worry we all are about the state of the world, but with no externally-imposed routine or responsibilities to ground them, I think I can understand that for some people they would struggle with a sense of zero control over anything and revert to a state of constantly trying to distract themselves from everything going on. We’re all different.

In terms of relationship advice I think it would be fair to talk about how hard you are finding it to manage everything at the moment, that when he talks about gaming all day and going back to bed it feels . But don’t be blaming him for how you feel.

But also, is him saying “I may as well just go back to bed” actually him saying “I’m pretty depressed about everything and feel like I can’t do anything useful so what’s the point”, is he wanting to talk about that, is he looking to you as an organised/motivated person for inspiration on how he could be using this time - I wouldn’t give dispense ideas/advice uninvited but I might try to explore if that’s what he’s really after.

I think times are tough for everyone and hiding away gaming all day is probably just as valid a coping mechanism as trying to be super productive in terms of life admin and personal development during furlough.

Well, it is kind of character revealing, isn't it?

If he works really hard usually, then maybe he needs the break? Does he?

But I'd prefer someone who was self-motivated and thought of things to do, tbh. Does he normally?

I suppose sleeping a lot can be a sign of being very down.

I think you're being harsh.
He's a grown man and can do what he wants with his own time.

You are living separate lives at the moment so I don’t see that it makes any difference what he’s doing.
Even if he was cleaning the house or doing diy it wouldn’t help you.

I do get that it would be off-putting to be together for weeks if he was just gaming but In this scenario I think you’re being unfair.

What do you think he should be doing?

Yoga, writing a novel, reading improving literature?

DH was delighted yesterday because he isnt being furloughed. He works so hard normally, lots of sport etc. and the house maintenance is up to date so if he had furloughed he'd probably just have slept and played on his tablet. I certainly wouldnt lose respect for him in these extremely odd times.

He's basically, as far as I can tell, done nothing except gaming for the past two weeks.

You say you don't respect people who don't push themselves and put structure round their lives.
I agree.
He's just slobbing around.
He has no responsibilities, no dependent so is in an ideal situation to do something ... anything!

I know people in his situation who have taken on delivery jobs or are helping deliver food to neighbours.
People are doing jobs around their homes, taking exercise or setting themselves small challenges.

The fact that he is doing nothing but gaming is a bit worrying. How old is he?

You are a parent with all the priorities that brings . He is not . He can be carefree and lazy and doss about eating crisps in bed if he chooses .
If his work wanted him to be doing something they would be sending it to him . Putting this nicely - Are you a bit resentful that he is not under a pressure to do anything, yet you clearly are ? ( childcare, working , worrying about corona virus and the impact on you and you child etc )

I’m sorry can you explain exactly what you think he should be doing in his own home during furlough?

Would you like him to start doing something onerous all day every day so you can feel he’s not getting to relax like you?

It sounds like you probably aren’t compatible as you have very different outlooks.

Would you be as judgemental if he was spending all day reading books or doing something like art/painting, rather than gaming? Don’t let his choice of entertainment/hobby cloud your emotions here.

It's put some strain on ours. DH is still working from home (works from home anyway) and I've been furloughed as have adult dc. He's really stressy and finding it hard seeing us going off for nice walks etc. Trying to counteract that by cooking him nice dinners and keeping him supplied with cups of tea but he's started to take the piss a bit so I'm getting annoyed with him now 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm in a similar position and I ran out of sympathy quite quickly. He did realise after a couple of days that playing games all day wasn't much fun.

He's basically, as far as I can tell, done nothing except gaming for the past two weeks.

How can you tell this?

1. How do you know what he is doing all day?
2. If he were doing DIY, doing FL or other things you deem worthy of a male adult - anything but gaming, would you be as judgey? What if he took up knitting or embroidery?
3. If you need to self-improve and 'do' all the time and he is content to be alive - you are probably not compatible.