So stuck

[mysticmeg1922]

This might be a long read so I apologise in advance . I have been with my fiancé 10 years . When things are good they are food but when they are not it's pretty bad . Pretty bad for me not him . We have been through so much together . And I somethings think that's kind of why we are still together ? He hasn't had a very good up bringing . He's had a few health problems growing up and I think that made him lack confidence and have no friends
.hes still a loner now . Also his family hasn't spoke to him for two years so practically he only has me . He's always had anger issues . I always thought it was me who made him the way he was. I grew and have grown not to like myself much because of it . I constantly apologise to him . I app ologies for things I have not done thinking it will snap him
Out of his mood . He runs me down all the time .
Also nothing is good enough for him . I do everything for him also work
Full time . He's been so unkind to me these last few weeks that I have just given up today . I feel
So sad and lost .
I have just got home from work and poured myself a vodka! It's 9 am . I don't like
Drinking that much so this is pretty bad . Iv struggled the whole morning in work . Now I'm
Just sitting here crying . I know he's in a mood again today because he hasn't text me . That's a sign that he's going to be awful again tonight . He's kind of got in to my head . Like I can't leave him . I know I have to and I want to but I just can't . Has anyone experienced anything like this ? I wish I could just pack his things dump them outside text him I'm done and then just block him on everything . I feel
So lost and alone

Ok. Firstly you are not stuck, you can leave this abusive relationship. Start by reading ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you recognise what type of abuser he is. Can you leave and go somewhere else? You can make positive moves to protect yourself. You know this is no way to live. You deserve to be happy, you only have one life!

It's not surprising you feel sad and lost - at some level you probably don't understand how someone who is supposed to love and cherish you can endlessly treat you so nastily. Indeed, the vodka at 9 am shows this relationship has destroyed your well-being. And sadly, you have assumed this is about you and you are somehow at fault when actually it is down to him.

‘Why Does He Do That?' is a great place to start. I bet you will recognise your partner in there.

Abusive partners do get into their partner's heads. The good times probably feel particularly amazing because abusers can lovebomb like there's no tomorrow, you're relieved because he's treating you well and the contrast with the miserable times is so great. In fact, the ecstasy/misery cycle of abusive relationships can be addictive, so another book you should take a look at is 'Women Who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood who explains this very well - and also how to move on from it and form healthy relationships in the future.

As @Buggedandconfused says - you aren't stuck, you can leave. Definitely don't stay because you've already given him 10 years. Google 'sunk costs fallacy' - you'll get the picture. The fact that you've given him 10 years when he's treated you so badly is a shame for you but it also means you know you have NO further time to waste. He's dragged you down for long enough. Life is not a dress rehearsal - we have only this one shot at it; you owe him nothing and you owe it to yourself not to waste any further time with this man.

In fact, why can't you just pack his things and dump them outside with a text telling him you're done and then block him? If that really isn't possible, is there somewhere else you can go? You're in an abusive relationship and you are allowed to leave your home to escape domestic abuse. If there's anyone you can reach out to for support IRL, you should do that. They can help you get away from him and also stay strong if this guy tries to hoover you back in. Keep posting here too if it helps.

What did you learn about relationships as you were growing up? You should also look into why you have stayed in this relationship for so long when you were getting so little from it. People on MN recommend the Freedom Programme and indeed the Robin Norwood is also helpful on this.

Before I joined MN the best piece of relationship advice I read was in J17 or Mizz, it was "if his behaviour makes you feel rubbish it's not for you'
Don't stay with someone who makes you cry.
is your house rented or mortgaged.

I think abusers have often been abused, learnt behaviour.
They see it as some way to take control of their lives, and get a fix of others .
You need to take control and leave

Yes I was married to someone for 18 years who often made me feel that suicide would be the only way out.
I concinced myself he needed me and as we had had so many experiences together we should stay together as nobody else would get me in the same way.
Of course it was all bollocks, it was just a nasty abusive relationship without physical violence but with plenty of psychological damage.
In the end he left and it was a massive relief.
You need to break away from him and your first day alone will be the first day of the rest of your new and better life.
You know you can't go on like this or you wouldn't be here on mumsnet asking.
You need to go before you waste almost 20 years of your life like I did.
You can be quite sure if anything happened to you, illness, disability he would just dump you - as soon as your usefulness to him ended.
That was the catalyst for my husband leaving, my disability.
Once I was of no further use to him I was dumped without any ceremony, haven't seen or heard from him since.