Is my mother a sociopath?

[PersephoneandHades]

I need advice from people who have experience with sociopaths; I think my mum may be one.

Since being a young child I have known that something isn't quite right about my mum but I had always chalked it up to her having a bad childhood. Her mother was a very cold person who made it clear to my mum from the beginning that she was an unwanted baby and her least favourite child. Her dad died when she was young and her siblings were all 15+ years older than her so she was stuck alone with my awful grandmother. I believe she is a sociopath as I have never come across a mental health condition that fits her so well (though there are some differences, hence this post).

Her symptoms, which existed all throughout my childhood and in the present:

• Has outbursts of anger where she'll break things and throw things, though does not become physically violent. This happened a lot when I was a child, she would get outraged just by me doing regular annoying kid things such as forgetting to do my homework
• The next day will not remember (or claims not to remember) what happened
• Twists people's words to suit her
• Lies lies lies, about simple things and serious things
• Cannot sustain friendships, she has had many friends over the years, all of whom she has pushed away stating that they are too vain and only talk about themselves or by taking offence to something small they have done and cutting them off without them even knowing why
• Cannot sustain romantic relationships but also cannot stand losing control of someone
• will isolate and not involve herself in conversations and then get extremely angry and claim she is being excluded
• Does not care who she hurts (including my siblings and I) if she is mad at someone she will punish all of us
• Is extremely deceitful to the point where it seems like she genuinely believes her own lies? Does not live in reality
• Will not admit she has behaved badly, under any circumstances
• If she has decided she is in a bad mood/ unhappy, she will not allow us to be happy and will go out of her way to force tension and upset us
• Tries to get us (my siblings and my dad) to resent each other by telling lies and twisting things

The thing is though, I do feel she loves me. She has always been extremely invested in me and my happiness outside of the home; spending time consoling me when I was upset about friends, stressed about school, etc and advising me. She loves buying things for me and the thing that conflicts most with the theory that she is a sociopath: she loves children. She works as a paediatrician and loves being around kids. I've seen her around kids and she seems to thrive with them, though I know she didn't with her own in reality. Could she still be a sociopath whilst also having some sense of feeling? Is it not really love but rather possession? Or is it something else?

I am at the point in my life where I have had to realise that I can no longer make excuses for her behaviour and have accepted the fact that I may someday need to cut her out of my life, but the idea is heartbreaking. Living with her has given me such anxiety and I honestly am quite scared of her, but she is still my mum. I am a young adult by the way, so no need to worry that someone underage is in this position. Thank you if you have read this far.

There isn’t much traffic at this time of night so I didn’t want to read and run. I am not an expert on the definition of a sociopath but I think it includes a lack of empathy or compassion? What I did understand from your post is that your mum seems to struggle with relationships in a way that I would think of more in terms of attachment difficulties. She seems to have difficulty managing her emotions and could possibly fit a borderline personality disorder profile. However these are all just labels in the end. She sounds extremely difficult. Do you still live at home?
Are you trying to work out how to make sense of how she behaves so you can cope better? Are you ok?

Hi OP,

The description of your mother sounds so much like my mum it's uncanny.

I will echo the PP and say she doesn't sound like a sociopath, but clearly has some attachment issues, not surprising considering her mother, alot of trauma like that can manifest into personality disorder like behaviour. Although, of course, no one can diagnose anything over the internet, so this is merely speculation.

Personally, I believe my mother probably has BPD (she ticks all the boxes) maybe your mother is similar?

I agree with @Lilacpheonix on the BPD. My mother is similar to yours and I think she has BPD there are different types of BPD so worth looking into.

What do you think is the motivation behind the lies?

She sounds as if she has empathy but struggles with negative emotions.
Lack of genuine empathy is very obvious in a sociopath or psychopath and is the hallmark of these disorders.

Have a read of the Out of the Fog website, this could be very helpful,to you.

It is likely she has some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder. I would read about cluster b personality disorders. Whatever it is, it is not your fault she is this disordered of thinking and you did not make her that way.

Have you looked at Borderline Personality Disorder, OP?

She sounds like a bit of cunt. Even if you find a name for her problems that doesn't mean you have to put up with her behaviour.

Some parts of your post made me wonder if you was talking about my mum.op.

I have looked into this a bit but your mum.has a job and it seems psychopaths, sociopaths cant hold down jobs or a family.

I think sometime people dont always fit a label. They are just fucked up in a complex way. I agree with pp that while it's nice to want a reason, to know why, we dont always know for sure. But it's ok to just label "not a nice person"

I honestly think my mum has few things going on, one of which is a common condition ( lack of empathy ) but with more layers and also a big dolop of just being nasty. It's hard when you love your mum.but know there is high potential for harm. My mum is nearer to 80 but she has the same potential for harm. But my mum was physically abusive too. Extremely. So time to find some boundaries I think. Time to think about protecting you, not fixing mum. You can have a relationship with a toxic parent. But you have to be clear to yourself on your boundaries.

It's also ok to not have a relationship.