Heartbroken, sobbing all the time

[listentoesther]

I’ve recently broken up with a man who I was with for four years, as I wrote on my other thread he cheated on me. Despite this he really is perfect husband material in so many ways, and I always felt safe and held and loved. We’re still living together at the moment due to Covid but I am so scared of saying goodbye. I know this will sound like I have low self esteem but I think I drove him to cheat, I had some issues around sex and maybe shut him down a bit when he tried to address them. I feel like I’ve lost the man who would have given me everything and I cannot not sobbing, my whole body is wracked with grief. If it was just heartbreak I could feel the feelings and get through it, but I can’t imaging ever again meeting a man who will understand and see me in the same way. If I see him with another woman it’ll destroy me

How is he coping?

Better than me @missmarks he is being very kind and it’s making it worse like rubbing in my face what I’m set to lose

Are you sure you want to split up? Just because that’s what other people would do, it might not be the best thing for you if it’s going to cause you such distress. Some couples do get past cheating. I don’t think I could, but if you still believe that he’s essentially a good person and you feel that you may have Contributed to the relationship breakdown then maybe you need to reconsider? Or has he moved on with the other person?

What was the context of the cheating? How did you find out? is he remorseful?

No he does not want to get back together, he says it’s for the best. The cheating was a random woman he met in Latvia

I'm really sorry OP but you can't drive someone to cheat. He did it because he presumably fancied her and was not thinking of you at all. That is what cheating is. He therefore is the total opposite of husband material- who on earth would want a man who cheats. He wouldn't have given you everything, and has already demonstrated that he can't, you are just too heartbroken to see it.

Sex isn't a service, if you have issues with sex, whatever those are, a partner who loves you encourages you to seek help, doesn't apply pressure, loves you and cares for you if it is a difficult time. They don't shag another woman abroad.

I know you're bereft OP, and my heart goes out to you; I've been there. You can get through the other side- he IS replaceable and if and when the time is right there is absolutely no reason you cannot find a partner who will love and care for you and remain monogamous. He really, really isn't a one off, you are not unloveable, you deserve much more than he offered and he hasn't cheated because you dropped the ball or messed up, he's done it because he's a knob and he wasnt the one for you. I very much doubt anything you could have done differently would alter the situation if he wants to end it regardless. Look honestly at his shortcomings here and not your own.

Do you have friends and family to talk to in real life? I would reach out to them and let them support you through this. Living with him and him being nice to you sounds like it is unhealthy. I would try and take back some control here and move out, lockdown restrictions allow it. It has already ended and he has been clear. We tend to feel much better when we are captaining our own ship and not floundering. It will be hard but it would be a start

Why are you still living together? Is there somewhere else he can go? If he wants to split up then he needs to leave so that you can heal

You need him to leave so you can get on with the bereavement of the relationship. Doesn't he have anywhere to go?
I don't understand why you hold him in such high esteem when after all he cheated. He probably always will.
People don't normally cheat on someone they love. He doesn't even want to try. Hear him. It's over.
Sorry

What do you mean by 'issues with sex' ..? 'Refused to have sex for the last year and refused to discuss it' ... or 'didn't feel like doing it everyday?' ..or perhaps don't want to partake in a particular kink ?

Most 'issues with sex' are valid concerns that as a partnership need addressing. It's the 'maybe shut him down a bit when he tried discussing it'..that has done the damage and the cheating (and the lack of wanting to rescue the relationship) the evidence that it's over.

Some men are particularly cowardly about ending things - they often cheat so that you will finish it.. sounds a bit like that to me.. how did you find out ? I am thinking you didn't have to work to hard to uncover this.. ?

Have to disagree with dontgobaconmyheart - sexual imbalance in a relationship is one of the main drivers of infidelity - for men and women. Possibly better to grasp the nettle now than further down the road with kids etc possibly involved - assuming he was prepared to go any further.

I also appreciate that she may be trying to make you feel better. There will be men out there for whom this is not such a big deal - apparently, but as multiple threads elsewhere have pointed out, it's cruel to force somebody to live in a low-sex situation if that is very important to them.

Don't cry for a second over him. He's a scumbag and a cheat.
If he was any kind of a man he would have broken up with you before sleeping around.
But no he decided to cheat while he was still with you and then rub your face in it. I think you dodged a bullet here.

listentoesther, I'm so sorry you are going through this and I can understand how heartbroken you are. As others have said, sexual incompatibility is a big thing in a relationship and it was obviously far more important to him than to you. It's very sad that he went with someone else but he has been honest with you in saying it is definitely over. Being forced to stay together during lockdown must be dreadful but that won't last forever.

Four years is a fairly long time but be thankful you've had no children. You will both be free when the current crisis is over and you will move on, even though at the moment that doesn't seem possible. It will just happen and you'll be that much wiser about all aspects of relationships, not just sex.

There's no reason for you to see the man with another woman unless you live very near to each other. If you do, it might be a good idea to move a bit further away in order to avoid that but, at the moment, he doesn't have another woman so the situation doesn't arise.

All the very best for the future. If it is any consolation, he is probably feeling bad about it all too and blames himself. The sooner you can get out of this 'prison', the better.

It would indeed be cruel to force someone to live without sex. Good thing then that there's no law saying you have to stay with a partner who won't sleep with you. How happy we are to enjoy the freedom to leave a relationship that isn't working. Cheating because your partner doesn't want sex and then saying it's their fault for driving you too it? Nope, not acceptable. He made that choice, there were others available. What would the alternative have been op, that you had sex you didn't want out of fear that he'd cheat on you otherwise? He isn't a good man. Maybe you didn't handle the sex situation brilliantly but it isn't your fault he cheated. You've had a lucky escape.

He isn’t perfect, he’s a cheat. One day you’ll start to think of him differently. When you say ‘he’s being kind’ well that’s a bit odd of him really, doesn’t he feel any shame or guilt? I think you need to allow yourself to get angry with him (may be terrible advice!).

A lack of sex can be a reason for a relationship to break down.

Only a poorly functioning moral compass and/or a sense of entitlement leads to cheating. Otherwise the unhappy partner would end the relationship - if not before feeling attraction to someone else, at least at the point at which they were considering cheating. Cheating involves multiple lies and deceptions, and a betrayal of their partner every single day.

This man is not the prize you thought he was.

He didn't say lack of sex drove him to cheat though. I don't think he blamed her at all. Still no excusing it. He should have broke it off before cheating. OP him and you were incompatible. Neither of you could give what the other needed.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, you must feel so broken. Take each day at a time and one day there will come a time when you start to feel better and life will move on for you, though I appreciate that must seem impossible to you right now.

But you must listen - you did not drive him to cheat. He could have done the decent thing, if your relationship was not working out, and ended things with you without having anybody else involved. That would have been the kinder and more decent thing to do. Instead he chose to cheat - that is all on him, not you! His actions have caused you so much more pain than was needed. Just try and remember that. If a relationship is going to end then it should be ended cleanly, without lies or deceit or betrayal, anything else is purely selfish and shows he is not the good man you believed. When somebody cheats it feels like a death, you are grieving, but in many ways it is worse. He could have avoided all of that if he had a shred of decency. There is somebody better out there for you - never doubt it. Sending lots of hugs - stay strong